Someone pls decode my SO "Your not apart of my future right now"

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
Member
6405 posts
Bee Keeper

To be honest, I am worried that he is not planning on committing to you. If I were you I would need to sit down and have a long talk with him until I’m confident I know exactly what he means by that. Maybe he just phrases things really poorly and meant something else. But maybe he hasn’t had the confidence to tell you that he doesn’t want to marry you, at at all. If you are hoping for marriage, you need to know for sure if he’s not even considering it.

ETA: How long have the two of you been together? I just assumed it has been many years, but if it’s been, say, less than two, he just might not have reached the point of commitment yet.

Member
3249 posts
Sugar bee

Seems to me that your relationship isnt as serious as you believe it is. I would let him do his thing and make his own decisions (and you do the same) until you both agree on the seriousness of your relationship i.e. engaged.

Member
6304 posts
Bee Keeper

He is telling you in no uncertain terms that he doesn’t think you’re the one. Instead, you’re his Right Now girl, the one he is with until he finds the one, or is ready to look for the one. I’m not sure what sorts of hints he has dropped, but was it maybe possible that you misinterpreted some things?

You have a child, and he deserves a stable family life. That does not include you waiting around on someone who obviously doesn’t take your opinions into account and isn’t going to marry you.

If the two of you have been together long enough for you to have joined a wedding forum, then chances are you’ve been together long enough for him to know one way or the other about you. And he has obviously decided you aren’t it for him. It sucks, it’s sad, but it happens to all of us at one point or another, and when it does, it frees us up to meet the person we ARE supposed to marry.

Member
1335 posts
Bumble bee

Honestly, I don’t think there’s much to decode. He’s a guy and doesn’t consider you guys serious right now. He wants to buy a house (and there is no better time than right now with houses at such low prices) and get his life sorted out before he feels ready to commit totally. You guys are not married or engaged, so you really don’t have a say in whether he buys a house or not. I also think it’s really irresponsible to spend that money on vacations and expect your parents to buy you a house (whether that’s the tradition or not). 

You may or may not be the one for him, that’s hard to tell with not knowing you guys. Some guys want to feel like they can take care of a wife before they will commit. My husband was that way… he would not propose until he felt financially stable. 

Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee

I am afraid that it isn’t a particularly good sign. I would be preparing for an eventual moving-on.

Member
988 posts
Busy bee

I agree with PPs that he may not be so committed to you. But I also want to bring up another possibility. Men are often very concerned about being the provider and take a lot of pride in their financial stability and strength. I can understand how it was probably emasulating for him to hear you say that he can’t afford to buy a good enough house and he should just let your parents take care of it. His reaction may have been an immature defensive response to being hurt by your comments.

My advice: Wait for things to calm down. Then go to him and apologize for what you said. After that, tell him that your concerned about what he said and ask him to talk about the future.

Member
6812 posts
Busy Beekeeper

WOW.  A decision like purchasing a house is a big one. 

I don’t necessarily agree with you about buying a completely renovated house even in this economy or the fact that buying a house now is not an investment (it’s cheaper to renovate yourself, especially if you have the money and have a certain style, and even in this economy, you can flip a house and make money just by investing in some renovations and if the economy turns around like it seems like it’s doing, he might be right about buying a house right now).  However, it is a decision the two of you should be making together, if you’re on the same page on where your future is.

How long have you two been dating?  Have you discussed timelines before?  Like, when you plan on getting engaged and when you plan on moving in together?

I don’t like that he makes it seem like this relationship will be dictated by HIS timeline alone.  When “he’s” ready for you to move in, etc.  It should be a decision the two of you make together. 

Member
1729 posts
Bumble bee

The PPs have pretty much summed it up.  He may have intimated to you about a potential engagement but his reaction to your questions told how he really feels.  He’s not ready yet.  I personally found your comments to him as condescending (“you do realize…”).  Basically you told him what he should be doing with his money.  I don’t think any person would want someone telling them how to spend their money, especially when they aren’t engaged/married.  How long have you two been together?  Do you live together?  Also, the comment about your parents buying you two your first house may have rubbed him the wrong way.  It may be common and traditional for you and your family but he may not want to go down that route and have his first house paid for with his own hard-earned money, not your parents’.

Member
3714 posts
Sugar bee

@Mswaitingbee:  I think you are in denial when you say that you don’t understand what he meant.  He is not planning on his future being with you.  If he was looking for what would be your collective future home, he would be giving weight to your preferences and expectation.  This is his house for his future.  It is a really difficult position to be in, yes, but not difficult to understand what he is saying.

Member
3909 posts
Honey bee

You seem to have different spending styles, which may make it difficult for him to see a future with you. He’s got his doubts, and he’s made that clear. You should ask him what is holding him back regarding your future together; maybe he’s put off that you’d rather see him spend his money on an engagement and wedding than a house, and he’s concerned that you’ll fight over money once married. Anyway I would ask him to explain why he’s got misgivings, and see if those topics are something you can work on, or if he’s just generally not emotionally invested in the relationship.

Member
305 posts
Helper bee

nothing to “decode”. he said you are not a part of his future. what he means is you are not a part of his future.  move on or stick around. you decide.

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