Someone talk me down (Bad day waiting)

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
38 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2016

@ccolli23:  Take a deep breath, hun. You’re going to get through this. <HUGS>

That being said, this situation doesn’t sound like a lot of fun at all. I think what you’re describing is a far bigger problem than just his unwillingness to buy you a ring – it’s the fact that you and your SO have different priorities in life right now, and it seems like he a) doesn’t have his shit together, as you seem to, and b) has absolutely no desire to settle down. You sound ambitious. And eager to do “adult” things. He does not. 

At the risk saying something you probably won’t like, I think you need to step back and re-evaluate things. You’re going to end up resentful and overworked if you get married and wind up pulling the whole load. Also, if he has no interest in the things you do, you won’t feel like you have much in common, right? You need someone who’s not going to make you feel like he’s killing your hopes and dreams. From the sounds of it, that person may not be your SO. 

I’m sorry to be the bearer of bad news, and really hope things get better for you 🙁

 

Post # 4
Member
3268 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

@ccolli23:  I’m sorry, that sounds really sucky. 🙁

He is going to have to do something to show you that he is committed to growing up and having an adult life with you. Shirking off classes and not graduating until 2017 doesn’t sound great at all.

I think it would probably be good if you can tell him that you do desire a future with him, but you need to see more commitment to finishing school and developing a career soon, from him, and you are not happy with how his actions make his desires and ambitions (or lack of) look right now. I guess if he really wants you in his life, making that obvious will make him get his butt in gear, or if he doesn’t care, he just won’t listen and you’ll have to decide what you want to do.

He sounds immature, really. 🙁 You’ve got your stuff together, and right now, he doesn’t. Maybe he just needs time to grow a bit more. . . and perhaps give yourself an internal deadline of when you need to see real change and commitment to adult life from him. But I do think expressing your concerns and saying that you want XYZ (marriage, house, kids) within the next X many years with him, may get him to reconsider how he is acting if he values you highly.

Blargh, waiting can be so painful sometimes. 

Post # 6
Member
285 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

 

imo, if you really are happy and love him, three years isn’t that big of a deal. I’ve been engaged since 2006. Everything we do is pretty much like we are married. The only difference is I don’t have that legal document saying we are married. So if he would like to wait, maybe a compromise with you two would be advisable. And, talking will definitely help.

sounds as though your bf is having a hard time as it is at the moment. Maybe wedding talk should be placed on the back burner to simmer until things get better. I’d focus more on helping to lift his moods now. Maybe he is having doubts about his schooling career choice? And its probably hard on him enough right now, that marriage talk just seems silly. I’d focus on him first, and once he is in better moods, talk to him about a wedding.

Post # 7
Member
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I think you need to have the same goals as your SO. You seem like a very driven person, not someone who could be described as a “bum”. Unfortunately, it is obvious he is not planning to get engaged. He is hostile to the idea and would not like you to pursue the idea. As you said, you will be waiting for three years. It was also sad to hear that he has been spending any  saved money. That is a big red flag that you two are not on the same page. 

Post # 8
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

“I said we should go look and he laughed and walked away saying he would rather do anything else.”

^ This bothered me most about your post. It’s not good. Now, it could very well be age related. Am I correct in assuming that you are 22 at most? Of course, even with the young age, his reaction is not very encouraging. It could just be that you and he were not meant to last forever. I definitely understand your desire to be engaged. That isn’t going to happen here. I very rarely tell someone on the bee to leave their relationship, but I don’t see this one going anywhere. Only you can make that decision, but from what your post says, it sounds to me like it is time to move on.

Post # 9
Member
1722 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

So, first, I’m sorry that you’re feeling really down right now. 

Like past posters have mentioned, it sounds like you two may not be on the same page future-wise. Not necessarily relationship-future-wise but just in general. It sounds like he needs to focus on figuring things obut for his education and future so that he’ll be in a mature place to begin a marriage. This might be hard on you because it sounds like you’re further along maturity-wise. Women usually are, right? 

Only you can decide if the relationship is worth it to patiently wait it out until he figures everything out. I also hope that even if he’s not ready for marriage that he will be nicer about it (the comment about ring shopping wasn’t that funny…)

Post # 11
Member
1373 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

Honestly, I don’t think at this point putting a ring on it will help anything. It sounds like you two need to have an honest to goodness talk about life plans. Even having a five year difference of marriage/house/babies type things can be hard things to overcome. These are things you’re going to want to figure out before you make a commitment to marry him!

If you’re both okay with waiting a reasonable amount of time for these things, then maybe you just need to be patient. But if you’re ending up in different places and wanting different things, you’re going to want to deal with that sooner rather than later!

Post # 12
Member
499 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

If you’re 17-20 then you are being too angsty

If you’re 21-24 then you really need to think about what this guy is doing…considering you have ben with him most of your life

If you’re 25+ you need to walk.  He is being a jerk.

 

Either way read THIS thread….http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/i-used-to-be-you#axzz2bxvLVhD6

Post # 13
Member
139 posts
Blushing bee

@MissPine:  +1

maybe sit down and talk to him about how you feel, if he responds badly then maybe time to re-evaluate if he is carrying his weight in the relationship emotionally.

Post # 14
Member
1465 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2015

My FI and I got engaged young, because he couldn’t wait to “take me off the market.” We’re going to wait until we’re a bit older to get married, but if your FI wants to propose nothing will hold him back. That means something inside him is. Don’t push it, just enjoy yourself!

 

Post # 15
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee

@ccolli23:  It sounds like your expectations from life are different. If you are more serious about marriage sounds like it’s time for a serious talk with him. Maybe you need some time apart?

Post # 16
Member
2114 posts
Buzzing bee

@sparklebow:  +1

@ccolli23:  im sure you two are very much in love but it sounds like you have matured and he has not. He sounds like someone right out of highschool (his mentality anyway). Why is he taking another semester off? Is it necessary? Why did he fail his classes? too difficult or because he would rather do other things than go to class?

I think you need to reevaluate your priorities as a couple. You see these things in your grasp where he does not. He sees them way later in life. There is nothing wrong with waiting to graduate to get married but if he keeps putting off graduation then thats anotehr story.

 

good luck!

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