Someone tell me how I'm the bad guy before I flip out!

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
8678 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

It might be because this was something he wanted to get/accomplish by himself without the assistance or intervention of you. I wouldn’t take it personally and just let him simmer down for a while. He might still be upset about the loans and just venting to the world but you’re unfortunately the first thing he sees.

Post # 3
42157 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Djacks88:  He is likely embarassed that he was turned down by the bank and further embarassed that you can afford to give him this gift.

That doesn’t excuse his behavior.

I also suggest to you that a FI with that much debt doesn’t really need a camper trailer. Recreational vehicles are luxuries not necessities.

Post # 4
2725 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

…why don’t you ask him?

Post # 5
1246 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

a more useful gift may be putting the money for camper towards one or more of your Fiances debts. You have to remember that once married these debts will become yours as well.

Post # 7
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

Can’t say why your fiance flipped out. Maybe he thinks you went behind his back or you’re butting in, or maybe he is a control freak. Not enough info to have an opinion.  I will say, though, nothing kills a friendship faster than borrowing or lending money, and between that fact and the knowledge that a bank won’t lend your fiance a smaller sum of money than what you’re getting ready to spend, it’s probably not a good idea to buy that camper.

Post # 8
1275 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

if he has “numerous outstanding loans” that are too high for the bank to give him another, he is living beyond his means end of story but that’s not the issue at hand here.  Probably, he is insulted by your “coming to his rescue” and he is probably embarrassed that the friend thinks less of him as a man now.  Not saying that that’s true, that either you or your friend think less of him – just saying that men’s egos are incredibly fragile!

Post # 9
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Eh, I’d guess you hurt his fragile male ego. Don’t take it personally. Hopefully he will get over being embarrassed about how her got the trailer and get to being excited that you two can go camping!!!

Post # 10
5968 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017


Djacks88:  If I were your FI I would be grateful but at the same time be annoyed.  Kind of because if it was something I wanted to do myself and then my partner went and researched their own better deal for *them* to purchase I would feel like my *thing* was stolen. I think it has to maybe do with how it as presented as well. You went and arranged to buy something (and pay for it yourself) that he wanted. It might have gone over better if you had said “I knew you wanted a camper trailer. So I found this one, friend said we can make payments if necessary. So what do you think? we could both contribute to the payments.”  It’s possible he feels left out of both the planning and the actual buying when this was an idea he had to begin with. Childish? maybe. Irrational? probably. but possible lol. I can see myself having a selfish moment that way if I were in your FI’s shoes. Although it would pass quickly.


how about just asking him why he’s so upset?

Post # 11
36 posts

Maybe what the bank said scared him. You also cannot afford this trailor. You will have to make payments. If your fiancé can’t get a small bank loan you do not need a trailor. This isn’t even a matter of opinion. Pay that debt down before you need a loan for a real necessity and you can’t get it. 

Post # 12
8850 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

You’re definitely not the bad guy and you’re welcome to buy the camper for me instead – I’ll be very appreciative!

Post # 13
2798 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

Guys still have a very “I am bread winner” mentality.  It’s likely ego.  My FI had an issue with one of his student loan payment plans increasing his payment, and while I was sitting in the room talked about EVERY WAY he could make the payment besides the obvious “Ask my FI who is sitting next me right now for help.”  It was a HUGE ego thing for him when I looked at him and asked how much he wanted to make the payment.  It took about 20 minutes for me to look at him and go “This is the way this getting married thing works.  I help you out, you help me out.” 

Post # 14
598 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2015 - Dreams Las Mareas - Costa Rica

You’re not the bad guy…

could your FI be jealous of this “guy friend”? Was he an EX? or someone that might be interested in you and thats why he is doing this “favor” for you?

Just asking because I dont see why he is so upset either…

Post # 15
1719 posts
Bumble bee

You found a camper and worked out the details of a contract for something he wanted, and you did all of that without telling him what you were doing or even asking him if he wanted it done… I can see why he’s irritated. 

His reaction may have been wrong, and his ego may be hurt, but you really did interfere with and get in the middle of something that he wanted to do, and you got in the way of him solving his own problems. 

Make suggestions, show him what you found, but in most cases it’s just not a good idea to complete the whole process of buying something for someone when it’s something they wanted to do on their own. If this was something that was a necessity, sure, you may have to do what you did, but for something recreational — help them achieve it if you must, but don’t rip away the experience and satisfaction that comes from getting something on your own and overcoming the obstacles that were in the way. 

You’re not the “bad guy”, but you’re certainly not the good guy. 

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