Something is wrong…we don't know what :(

posted 3 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@temporary:  I’m so sorry you two are dealing with this. It could be a lot of things, and many suggestions come to my mind. However, I am not a doctor so I don’t want to play guess the problem. I think what you have suggested, that he see a real doctor and not try to Google a potentially unsafe solution, is the best bet. I’m so glad he is willing to go, even if he is a bit hesitant (and I can’t say that I blame him!).

Post # 4
Member
2355 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I hope that his doctor can sort this out. I’m sure this is very hard. I’m sure it’s even harder on your SO. He probably feels like less of a man and very inadequate. Do your best not to let your fears show to him and continue to be very patient with him.

Post # 5
Member
42510 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

If  the doctor he saw was a General Practitioner, I suggest he see a urologist who specializes in men’s sexual health.

He may have started out with a physical problem (low testosterone) but it is very easy to develop another problem -anxiety- in such  a situation. Think of the pressure on him every time you try to be intimate.

In the meantime, I suggest you temporarily ban even the thought of intercourse. Pleasure each other in other ways. Take the pressure off that man.

Post # 6
Member
9412 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@julies1949:  I was thinking it could be psychological too. I’m no expert though, so what do I know 😛

Also, I can imagine this is terribly hard on both @temporary: and her partner. I can’t even imagine 🙁  

Post # 7
Member
2622 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

It’s not a problem that many young men deal with, but many MANY older men do, and continue to have fulfilling sex lives.

There are plenty of ways to be intimate beyond penile penetration, you just have to find what works for you.  Most men can experience orgasm without an erection as well, so you both have lots of options if medical/phycological therapies don’t resolve the erection issue.

Try googling “non penetrative sex” “sex without intercourse” and “outercourse” just to get you started.

As for having children, if he is producing sperm it can be done with medical assistance. If he can ejaculate, you can probably do it at home with a syringe, and little medical intervention.

Post # 8
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

I think going to a dr. is the best bet. There can be tons of causes for ED (a quick google search will verify)

But, are there other emotional issues (outside of physical) that he may be dealing with? Is he stressed at work? Money issues? Concerns about starting a family? Basically is there anything weighing on his mind–and it doesn’t necessarily even have to do with you two–that would cause some unease?

I’m glad he’s willing to get it checked out..that’s a positive! Most guys are too macho or stubborn to even go!

One more thing, though. Don’t take it personally. I know it’s hard not to, but as much as women have been led to believe, guys can’t always control their “little guys” and they’re just as affected by emotions as we are/

best of luck to you both

Post # 9
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

This will be very hard for both of you to deal with, but make sure he’s not just avoiding the problem because of his feelings – you are in this relationship, too, and make up 50% of the sexual need and energy between the two of you. He can’t just beat around the bush, stall, make excuses… He needs to deal with it because you are BOTH in the relationship together.

My DH and I had some problems similar to this early on in our relationship. After months of hinting that it was an issue, asking what I could do to help, I finally confessed that if he continuted to refuse to deal with it, then I was out. (Again, before marriage; I wouldn’t leave him now, but he would not be allowed to ignore it.)

You don’t need to know all the details, but it seemed like a combo of some slight medical issues (improved with diet / more exercise rather than medicine) and low sexual self esteem because of it. We worked on our intimacy outside the bedroom, which helped his self esteem in the bedroom. After a few months, it was SO much better, and we’ve had a very satisfying sex life for years.

Don’t give up on him – and definitely don’t let him give up on himself. He may need to see both a medical doctor AND a therapist to see if there are underlying psychological issues playing into it. Once you see ANY improvement, give PRAISE for what you love so he’ll want to continue improving. Once you two are past this, he will be happy you didn’t give up on him.

Post # 12
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@temporary:  I know a few men that take testosterone supplements because they also have low test. Have you looked into that?

Post # 14
Member
819 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2009

@temporary:  I think some are OTC and some are prescription. My husband had low test and he was taking a supplement that you can buy at vitamin shops. I think it was just a powder he would mix with water and drink. I can ask him what it was called.

His father and a couple of his friends also have low test and some were using a cream that I think was prescribed to them.

Post # 15
Member
857 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@temporary – Has he actually seen a doctor yet? My DH’s issue was blood pressure and a couple other somewhat common things that were manageable without medicines. He needs to go and have those blood tests done to check all his levels of… blood and whatnot (sorry, not so technical). He also needs to discuss any medicines he’s currently taking and reevaluate the necessity of them and how they might be affecting his drive.

But really and truly, also consider therapy. So much of this could also be in his head, and medicine will only mask that. I’m always a proponent of trying to solve things without medicine. Often medicines create even more problems with side effects. It could be better for his body AND mind if he’s able to work through this without taking anything.

Post # 16
Member
3538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

Definitely see a doctor! If it is low T, maybe he could try some of the testosterone creams they have first.  At least that way he isn’t going straight to Viagra or Cialis and maybe that won’t affect him so much psychologically.  I can imagine that a man in his 30s would get pretty depressed at the thought of having to pop a pill every time he wants to have sex.  

Good luck to you and your DH! 

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