Something's wrong and I need help, but I'm not ready to leave (long)

posted 1 year ago in Emotional
Member
2488 posts
Buzzing bee

I’m sorry, but that’s not a healthy relationship and you should leave. To be honest, he sounds like a psychopath to me. Treating you like a princess one second, then making you feel worthless and dumb the other second. Relationships like that don’t improve, and it will just be harder to leave him later on. Do yourself a favour, talk to someone close to you and have him or her help you find your own place. Then move, I’m sure as you get some own time, you’ll realise how destructive your relationship really is.

I really wish you the very best, but at this point – you should focus on yourself, not planning a wedding with someone that is that emotionally unstable.  

Member
187 posts
Blushing bee

If your friend was in the same situation, what would you tell her? Relationships are never perfect, but you should always feel loved, valued, and respected. Obviously I don’t know how things are within your home outside of this post, but it sounds like he has zero respect for you and belittles you every chance he gets. Is this something you’re willing to put up with for the rest of your life, or something you want to put any future children through? You need to really think about that.

 

I know it’s scary to think about starting over and doing things alone, but you are young and you do not deserve to be treated badly. You are not stupid, and he should not be saying these things to you. Period. I don’t care if it’s just because “he gets mad sometimes.” I get mad sometimes too, but I don’t  verbally abuse my fiance just because I’m having a bad day. What happens the day it goes beyond language and becomes physical?

Like I said, obviously I do not know any real details, and I don’t know you as a couple, but I just hope you really, REALLY think about what is best for you in the long run. Is this the way you want to live for the rest of you life? Because at 35, he’s probably not going to change.

Good luck, I’m rooting for you!!

Member
766 posts
Busy bee

@upsetbeee:  I’m a nurse and I went through nursing school with my FI…we both are nurses now. Let me just tell you this…you will NEVER get through nursing school without a loving and supportive partner. I don’t know if you have gotten to clinicals yet, but that is a whole other ball game. You will have 12 hour shifts at hospitals that can be anywhere within 2 hours of where you live. You will be doing tons of care plans each night, on top of your actual class work. A partner like what you describe A as will not be tolerant of that. He isn’t tolerant now of your schedule, so it is only going to get worse. I won’t tell you my advice, since you said you’re not ready to leave him, but you are going to have to decide if your relationship or your career path is more important to you and your future. You are young…I hope you make the right decision. 

Hugs :)

Member
2298 posts
Buzzing bee

This is not a healthy relationship and doesn’t sound like it has much of a chance of becoming one.

My advice is you need to leave, and I understand that you’re not ready to do that yet. So what can we do in the meantime to get you closer to that?

- Be sure you have your own accounts, finances, job, etc established. This will be key when you are ready to leave.

- Tell what you’ve told us to someone in your real life who will be supportive but also hold you accountable to improving your situation.

- Yes, do get counseling for yourself.

- I know you said you haven’t been intimate, but make sure you stay on birth control in case it does happen at some point. WAY to many women end up pregnant in a less than ideal situation and feel trapped.

- Really cultivate your friendships, familial relationships, and independent interests.

Best of luck. You should leave, sooner rather than later.

Member
4347 posts
Honey bee

my first thought was ‘oh my god, if he gets the phone away I will never be able to call for help’.

I stopped reading right there.  Time to go sweetie.

Member
2484 posts
Buzzing bee

i would leave too. that is not okay. verbal/emotional abuse becomes physical abuse

Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I can completely understand your situation. I understand that you are not ready/want to leave. But I think it might be best for you to maybe have someone to talk to about the whole situation. Maybe when A sees you talking to someone and getting help he might try it. People are always afraid of the unknown. Do you have the option of maybe staying with A’s sister for a few weeks until things calm down a little?

Member
1734 posts
Bumble bee

I would leave you dont deserve this!

Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee

You say you aren’t ready to leave, but you really need to. This an extremely unhealthy relationship. He is controlling every aspect of your life, whether you believe it or not.

Also, you need to talk to a counselor—not his sister. Another counselor is going to have no emtional connection to your situation and can therefore give you the best advice.

Please think long and hard about staying. You are worth and deserve so much more than what you are getting now. Best of luck.

Member
247 posts
Helper bee

It sounds like your relationship has so many problems with communication and control.

He’s not being unemotional; anger is an emotion! He’s not being logical; finding only 1 study to back you up is called “cherry picking.” Furthermore, it is not reasonable to get mad at someone else for her morning routine. You aren’t allowed to use the bathroom twice? As long as the chores get done, it shouldn’t matter how.

As for the communication issues…yikes! And the aggression/control/violence! 

If you are 21 and like 30 something guys, you will not have a shortage. Frankly, this man does not sound like a mature, normal 30 something. I have met men who seemed so mature because they were older than me, but then I noticed they were quite immature for their age, which may have been why they were hanging out with me and my younger friends in the first place. Other 30-something men I know are respectful of other people, kind, considerate, and willing to compromise.

It is not going to get any easier.

Your best cheerleader wouldn’t blow up at you for failing your first midterm. A cheerleader who derided her team would get fired. You can do better. 

I think counseling is a great idea, even if you just go by yourself. 

Member
122 posts
Blushing bee

I know you said you’re not ready to leave, but I read that whole post, and I didn’t see one example of him being kind or supportive to you. I’m trying hard to think of a solution for you, but you already told him how you feel and suggested counseling, which he refuses to go to. It doesn’t sound like he’s changed at all. Your post is full of “things got better, then…” That’s a pattern and it won’t change on its own.

You are so young. Do not let this man “beat you into submission” (your words) and change you for the rest of your life. He sounds like a controlling douche and is unwilling to take responsibility for himself. Everything is your fault, according to him.

Also, he’s not acting logically. Don’t let him fluster you into thinking he’s smarter and more reasonable than you are. You said yourself most of your disagreements end up with him losing his temper. That IS arguing emotionally.

What would you do if someone you loved was being treated the way you are? I know you love him, but you sound miserable. Do you really want to live the rest of your life like this? I’m so sad for you. Please reconsider leaving.

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