(Closed) Sometimes I don't know how to deal with my Mum… (Long!)

posted 3 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3223 posts
Sugar bee

I think you need to not put yourself in situations like this.  Distance yourself from her if she cannot or will not be kind.  Your mother is supposed to build you up, not crush your spirit.

You don’t want her to clean your house, don’t leave her alone in your place.

Don’t want her to buy you boots, decline her offer to take you shopping.

Also shut her down the instant she says something unpleasant.  “Mom it hurts my feelings when you comment on my weight, if you say anything in the future, I will hang up the phone/leave/whatever.Then you have to follow through. 

If she asks why she can’t stay at your place you can tell her it’s because you don’t want her to clean it and you can’t trust that she will respect that.

You have trained her that this is ok.  You need to break her of these habits.  Even if she is pleasant most of the time.  Killing your self esteem isn’t looking out for anyone.

Post # 4
Member
865 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

You tell her, virtually word for word, what you posted – 

And that’s it – I don’t mind if she thinks this stuff about me. I don’t mind if she looks at me and thinks I look like a whale. I just don’t want her opinions to be forced down my throat when I never, EVER ask for them.

 You are right, she is entitled to her opinion – but that’s all it is, an opinion.  Just because she is your mother, doesn’t mean she knows best, or is right.  And she also needs to realise that there is a difference to being honest, and being downright fucking cruel.

And you have to back up your words with actions.  The minutes she starts with her BS, you leave.  Even if it means creating a scene in public.  Don’t leave her alone in your house, it’s YOUR house, which means you control who is in it at any given time.  


Post # 5
Member
545 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I totally agree with PPs. You can’t let her speak this way about you. It’s not about her being honest, it’s about being hurtful. You need to tell her that the words that come out of her mouth should only be 100% supportive. She won’t be lying if she stops making these comments, she’ll just be keeping her mouth shut to preserve your sanity! Tell her your relationship will change if she can’t stop, that you won’t shop with her, plan the wedding with her, or host her in your home. Being your mother doesn’t give her the right to tear you down and make you feel anything less than beautiful and smart. 

Post # 6
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

@ZebraPrintMe:  Hi, Its probably your mum being the way she is to you that resulted in your weight gain. I would tell her that and that when her comments hurt you, thats when you turned to food for comfort

And i’m not sure if it makes you feel any better but american sizes are 2x smaller so a UK 10 would be a US 6. 

Post # 7
Member
2224 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 1987

These comments of your mother’s are both highly personal and highly destructive.  You are completely right to be upset.  How awful.  

 

Why does she make these remarks?  Well I think that it’s nothing at all to do with your appearance at all.  It’s probably to do with maintaining power over you, maintaining some sort of distorted image of what a mother should be like, projecting some of her own body image issues onto you, and a deep seated fear of you not needing her and abandoning her.  You will probably never know for sure.  And,even if you did know the point is that she simply has to stop. Now.

 

Make this clear to her.  Be honest.  Do it in front of your FI so that you have support and you also have a witness.  Be clear what it is that is so upsetting, why it has to stop and how you expect her to behave in future.  Be clear that she must never make these remarks ever again.  This will be difficult and your FI will need to give you lots of hugs and reassurance both during the conversation and afterwards.

 

It’s worth noting that in the big scheme of things you are being kind to your mother.  My parents made hurtful remarks for years throughout my childhood and still practised guilt trips when I became an adult.  Then one day they behaved in a similar way to my young daughter.  In that moment the world changed. I stopped them but everything really had changed.  They essentially lost me forever. Your mother is taking a great risk with her behaviour – that ultimately she will lose you if she continues.  It’s’ s not a threat but a fact.  Make sure that she knows this.

 

When you get the time, stop dyeing your hair and let it grow for two or three months.  Then go to the hairdressers and ask them to dye your hair back to its original colour.  It will be beautiful – as are you.

 

Post # 8
Member
3637 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think you need to be very, very blunt with her. Take most of this post and give it to her, either in a letter or an email. Don’t try and water it down though, don’t sugar coat it. 

She needs to see exactly what she says to you and just how it makes you feel, unloved, unworthy, miserable and like you don’t want to be around her. 

Letter form is better because it gives her time to really see, in front of her own eyes, written down, the words that come out of her mouth. She can re-read it and take time to process it before replying to you about it.

Post # 9
Member
2992 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

That is really some God-awful comments coming out of her mouth. I echo what the othe PPs have said – distance yourself from this mean-spirited woman. Tell her why too. You are an adult now and you no longer have to put up with crap like that.

Post # 10
Member
55 posts
Worker bee

@ZebraPrintMe:  I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Your mom is seriously emotionally abusive. Honestly it doesn’t sound like she would be open to counseling, I would say try to ignore it, and distance yourself. She is likely taking her own insecurities out on you! 

Post # 11
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I’ve been lurking on these boards for a while and signed up just to post on this thread. 

 

 

 

My mum is pretty similar to yours. She’s been critizing me relentlessly about everything since I can remember myself. The main problem is that she believes this is good parenting – I guess your mum does too. A few years ago she actually told me that “her job is to critize me. If I am not going to do it, who else will?” There is no talking to her, she is always right, she never admits she’s done something wrong and she never apologizes. I’ve told her countless times that she is hurting me but she just laughs and says that I’m misinterpreting her. 

 

I agree with PPs who have suggested distancing yourself. Distance and time are crucial! You need time and space to heal and rebuild your self-esteem – without her.  Have you considered counselling? I’ve just started going and it certainly helps. For years I would feel guilty if I got angry at my mum – I felt that I didn’t have the right to resent her. She brought me up and she wasn’t a horrible parent otherwise. It was liberating to finally realize that what she is doing is wrong and abusive. 

 

There is very little chance she’s going to change her ways, unfortunately. All you can do is change the way you interact with her and how you react to her comments. 

 

Post # 12
Member
1040 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I wonder if she has body issues of her own. Ive seen a few bees post about mothers being very critical of their daughters weight and it often revolves around an eating disorder or similar that the mother has. If she was criticising you for bebig a UK 10 – well that’s the same size as me and people regularly tell me how skinny I am

 

I don’t really have any advice other than to offer an online hug and tell you that I bet you looked awesome in that ball gown!

Post # 13
Member
3195 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I have a mother just like this. The difference is, she is cruel and nasty to me 70% of the time. She has always been very jealous and hateful to me, except when it became obvious that I no longer wanted very much to do with her. 

I have mostly distanced myself from my mother. We are cordial but I never call her and I visit once every other month. I don’t want to expose myself to her unpredictable behavior and rude comments. She has become more loving and polite but I think that is because some of my actions have taught her lessons. 

Don’t give your mother ammo by telling her your business. You may also want to think about cultivating an affectionate yet distant relationship. 

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