Sometimes I feel so behind *Vent*

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
42546 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@IowaDDS13:  A true sign of maturity is to stop comparing yourself to other people. They may have been given money by their parents. Some of them may lose their homes because they have overextended themselves.

When you are a dentist and raking in the $$, they will be the jealous ones.

Post # 5
Member
6407 posts
Bee Keeper

One thing that helps me is that I realized that i don’t want the same life as most people, so I don’t feel behind when they have achieved some goal in life that is related to a goal I plan to achieve. What works for their schedule doesn’t necessarily work for mine. It’s no different from someone going to work on Saturday and you not feeling behind, because your workweek doesn’t start until Monday. Now, if you know you’re supposed to go in starting Saturday but you’ve called in sick, then you may feel guilty and annoyed when someone else mentions going in on Saturday.

So, if other people are meeting their goals and that’s upsetting you, it means that at least on some level you assume that you should also have met that goal by now. It’s useful to examine that feeing because sometimes it’s based on something completely irrational, like what TV or a friend tells you you’re “supposed” to do at such-and-such an age. But when you think about it, you don’t actually agree with TV or your friend. And once you realize that consciously, your negative feelings disappear.

For the longest time I couldn’t understand why people were so angry to see people post pictures of their children on facebook (I love it when my friends do that). Then I reaized that it’s because not everyone, even in their 20s, is childless by choice. Being in my 30s and not yet TTC (though planning to in the future), it hadn’t occured to me that people as much as a decade younger than me would feel “behind” because they hadn’t had a child yet.

Post # 6
Hostess
9919 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am so there.  I’m 30.  I would say that the majority of my friends currently own a house/condo.  We’re renting an apartment (we owe a TON on student loans and our monthly payments are more than half what we pay in rent..) 3 of my friends just had babies this weekend.  We have been together longer than most of my friends who are already married and pregnant or with babies.  

We’re not behind, I went back to school.  FH made a couple bad choices that left him with RIDICULOUS student loans that we’re now dealing with.  We’re finally getting married, I don’t think a baby will be far behind.  We both want a house and as soon as the wedding is paid for the loans will be tackled hardcore.  I cannot wait until those are gone and we have that money every month.  We live comfortably but our debt ratio is so high right now that no bank will give us a mortgage to buy anything where we are – the GTA is crazy expensive.

 

Post # 7
Member
62 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

@IowaDDS13:  Thumbs up to you for applying to dental school and being financially prudent!!  It’s tough, I know, but everyone has different circumstances.  Your friends could have had some help from their parents (nothing wrong with that — they’re lucky!) or maybe they’ve made some great investment choices and are able to afford a house early in life.  Don’t feel behind!  A home is a BIG step.  Hugs and feel better 🙂 

Post # 8
Member
4043 posts
Honey bee

@IowaDDS13:  First, I completely know how you feel! I have lots of friends/couples that are buying homes and I know they actually make less than we do. I also know many of them are using FHA loans or are not putting down 20%. Given new parameters of some of these loans, they will be paying a lot of money in interest for their homes.

As another PP said, a few signs of maturity are  when people 1) stop comparing themselves to others and 2) learn delayed gratification. Hang in there, when it’s your time, you will be able to enjoy it and know you are making a sound financial decision!

Post # 9
Member
10384 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

Owning a home is not a symbol of life success. My husband did not purchase his first place until age 35. What did he spend all that time doing? Traveling the world, getting educated, developing a successful IT career, and in general, living fabulous places and doing amazing things.

Buying a home at a young age, to me, says “I have no greater aspirations than to stay in my small town in my bubble”. Which isn’t something I aspire to! Go to dental school – experience new things! Enjoy the freedom of not being so tied down to one location!!

Post # 10
Member
2073 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I know how you feel… I graduated university in 2007 as a teacher and have been working as a supply teacher and doing respite work ever since. My FI worked a pretty cool job the first 2 years we were together but he traveled a LOT, so he decided to go back to school. Well, 3 years of him in school = me living with my parents and my $$ helping him with rent and food etc. Now he’s done school, but I hate teaching so I’m going back this september for a 1 year post grad program.

Ugh. His brother makes wicked money and has a house, 2 cars, a 4 wheeler, got married and had a baby – and they’ve been together less time than us… and she doesn’t work.

My sister and her bf of less than 2 years own 2 houses between them (will soon sell one),

most of my girlfriends own homes…

It totally sucks. Here we are living in my parents basement. My FI should have a job very soon and then we’ll move out, but it’ll still be abasement apartment.

28 and barely paying the bills…. sucks balls.

Hopefully when I’m done school, between the two of us things will start to look up

Post # 11
Member
3394 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2014

@IowaDDS13:  Just because  other people may or may not be able to afford to buy houses (many of them may be living beyond their means and will pay for it later) doesn’t mean you should feel bad about your situation. You’ll feel amazingly good when you attain your goals and can comfortably buy that house. Keep plugging along!

Post # 12
Member
370 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

FI is behind I’m ahead of our friends but we are in the right place for us whatever our friends are doing. With 6 years between us there are quite different expectations for where we as a couple should be. FI’s friends are buying houses and having babies and my friends think I’m too young to even be worried about houses and kids. We both value stability highly and could have bought a house by now (well put down a down payment and started paying the mortgage) but I’m still in school and my skill set isn’t terribly mobile so we won’t actually be buying a place until we find out where I am going to end up and feel we have both have stability in our jobs there.

Post # 13
Member
1535 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@IowaDDS13:  This is exactly the reason one of my close friends deleted her Facebook account.  She would actually get incredibly emotional when she saw people she went to high school and college with putting up stuff like engagements, getting married, buying a home, going on for additional schooling, having children, etc.  She knew it was irrational, but she’d feel completely lost and “behind” when she saw those things … So she deleted her Facebook account.

I’m not saying you need to do that, of course.  It worked for her, but that doesn’t mean that’s the only way to get past these feelings.

To be honest, I’ve occasionally felt that way when I’ve signed onto Facebook.  I think sometimes it’s almost shocking how different my life is from some of the people I went to high school and college with!  For example, an old friend from high school that I’ve kept in touch with via Facebook just recently announced she was pregnant … For the third time!  This is a woman who will be 29 this month and is already married with a career, owns a home, and will now be having her third child.  

That’s just one example, of course.  But here’s the thing … I don’t necessarily feel “behind” when I see things like that.  Sometimes I do.  But most of the time I realize that my life is my own and all of the decisions I’ve made have been made for a reason.

I actually really like my life right now.  I’m not really in a huge rush to own a home because I don’t want to deal with all of the upkeep … I like having someone else mow the lawn, take care of snow removal, and take care of anything that goes wrong (without paying extra!).  I also like the freedom that renting gives us.  If we decided we wanted to look for jobs elsewhere (and we might at some point down the line just for a new challenge and change of scenery), we could move without much of an issue … No worrying that our house won’t sell quickly and we’ll be stuck paying 2 mortgages.  I was never in a rush to get married (I didn’t really want to for the longest time), so I’m okay with being an “older” bride.  I was also never in a rush to have kids.

I could give more examples I’m sure, but this is crazy long as it is.

The point is to focus on the good things in your life.  Getting into dental school will be a huge deal, and I can almost guarantee that someone you keep in touch with on Facebook will see that and be like, “Wow!  I’m so jealous!  I wish I had gone on for more schooling.”  It’s the whole “the grass is always greener” thing.

Live your life at the pace you want.  Enjoy your own successes and just remember that everyone is not supposed to be the same.  I know it sounds corny, but it’s the truth.

Post # 14
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Been there, done that and I know how frustrating it can be. I come from a small town in Nowhere, USA where people marry young and when I was 19-24 all of my home town friends were settling down, getting married and having babies. It was weird for me because I was in college and travelling and doing young people things while they were getting mortgages and buying minivans. I sometimes felt really jealous of them, but ultimately I knew that I was doing what I wanted and working towards MY future. I’m sure that you’ll do all of the things these people are doing but at your own pace. 

It’s weird because I was talking to a life-long friend who I’ve known since we were in diapers about this the other week. She was the type who had the accountant husband, three children and white picket fence by 23 and I do remember envying her for having her life together when mine was so chaotic. She said that she used to feel jealous of me sometimes too because I was off doing all of this stuff and she was at home with a baby. 

It’s normal to feel a little jealous but it doesn’t mean you’re on the wrong path.c

Post # 15
Member
528 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

@IowaDDS13:  I totally get that it’s frustrating, but don’t sweat it. I worked in personal finance for several years and I think what you’re planning on (20% down, 15 year mortgage) is very wise. It may take you a little longer to buy a house, but it’s likely you’ll be finished paying your mortgage long before them.

Post # 16
Member
1907 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014 - TTC #2

@julies1949:  “A true sign of maturity is to stop comparing yourself to other people.”

Thanks for writing that 🙂 Great advice for us all!

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