Post # 1
So we have been together almost 6 years, and I still miss him when we are apart, we still laugh, still have so much to talk about, still are best friends. We have a great relationship. Here’s the thing. He just started a GREAT job, awhile ago, but gets up at 5, comes home at 6 or 7pm. By that time, he is sooo tired, he basically wants to sit and rest and relax, eat dinner, and go to bed. Totally understandable. I work my ass off too, and realize this is totally normal, and not only do I give him that time, I try to help out by usually making dinner (when I have time), and doing some of the errands he did before. The thing is I’m so not used to pretty much not seeing each other all week. Even when he’s at home, he’s so shot and has no energy, so it’s like he’s not there really. I’m finding myself looking forward to the weekends all week long now because that sthe only time he seems energetic and happy. Our weekday sexlife is non existant (again, I understand). I ask him if this is okay for him, and he pretty much says it’s not ideal, but its a great job for now, and basically we have to deal with it until my business takes off (am buying a large breakfast restaurant, and will finalize in the winter), but that is not a garantee, either. Here’s the thing—- he says he’s happy, although he knows he lags during the week, we miss the old days of having more time, but now we are older, and have “real jobs.” So for now we just have to deal (until I make my millions, lol). So there is nothing I can really do to make things any better for him. So what do I do to make me feel better for ME?????? Thanks all!
Post # 3
I’m so glad you posted this! I don’t have an answer, but I know I’ll be in the exact same boat as you about this time next year (FI will be starting med school, so we got a long road ahead). I’m also eager to hear responses…
Post # 4
I find that it’s not about having more time, it’s about making the best use of the time we have together.
I know he’s exhausted, and you’re awesome for accepting that. New jobs are just that – totally exhausting. Give him 6 weeks. After that, start planning low-key things to do together, be it going for walks, going to a favourite restaurant, or doing whatever you used to enjoy. Cut some of the fat out of your life if you can – don’t use all of your time together to surf the internet or sit in seperate rooms.
Also, make sure that you are fufilled in other ways, too. If he’s not around all the time like he used to be, carve out some time to try something new, hang out with girlfriends, etc.
I get really antsy when we shift into high season at our jobs, and it seems like all we do is sit around and wait for the evening to end before we go to sleep. Make it exciting for yourself, and be patient – things will settle down eventually.
Post # 5
My FI and I ave both been incredibly busy too, it sucks. It also sucks that relationships take maintenance whether or not you have the time. One thing we do that really helps, at least for me, is taking some time and cuddling up and telling eachother about our days. Even if you’re exhausted it doesn’t take too much energy just to cuddle and talk haha. It helps keep up in sync even though we don’t have much time.
Post # 6
Thanks girls, that is some helpful advice, it’s good to know I’m not alone out there!
Post # 7
You are definitely not alone in this! When I first moved in with my DH he got offered a ‘great’ job with excellent money. He used to have to leave for work before I woke up at 7AM, and never came home before 9pm (usually 10 or 11). We’d have a quick dinner and head to bed. Obviously this was super unhealthy, so after a few months he had to find a new job. His new job was definitely better, but he’s such a perfectionist and workaholic that fell back into the same routine quite quickly, although not as severe (leave at 7:30am, home by 8pm). I’m really worried because we are moving out of the big city to have a better quality of life at the weekends and to start a home for our the family we want to start. This means having to leave the house by 5:30AM, and we won’t get back until 9pm if he leaves work on time. That said – I’ll be doing the commute with him, so we’ll get lots of quality time in the car/on the train both in the morning and the evening. Still very stressful and scary to think about!
All I can say is encourage and support him as much as you can, and once he is settled in the job to make clear to his boss what his boundaries are and how much work he can take on. I find that’s DH’s biggest problem! Never knowing how to say no! Honestly though, I’ve found being in ‘grown-up jobs’ you HAVE to live for the weekends and holidays. The work week is a complete write-off for us, but we make so much of the little time we do have together on the weekends that it more than makes up for it!
Good luck and I hope it gets better soon!
Post # 8
@kcoconut:You described my DH’s life to a T! Only he owns the business, so even when he’s home, he never truly “leaves” work.
At first, I tried to engage him when he was home all the time because I wanted to maximize the time we had together. I tried talking to him about our days, trying to plan activities, trying to “get it on”. I finally realized that after such a long/stressful day, he really just wants to relax. It’s not that he doesn’t love me or want to be with me, he just needs time to decompress. So that’s what I do.
I take yoga, joined a softball team, have dinner with girlfriends. We got a cleaning lady and a lawn service to take off some of the pressure of having housework to do. When we are both home together, I’ll make a low-key dinner and let him talk or not, depending on how he’s feeling. Also, he ALWAYS gets the remote. If he had to come home from such a long day and watch The Real Housewives, I think he’d put a bullet in his head.
Basically, just let him do what he needs to be happy and comfortable. He will thank you for it. And I love doing my own thing and then coming home and just sitting next to him, watching sports and being with him knowing that he’s happy. I don’t really need anything more than that.
Post # 9
I have a similar situation at home, and although it is not ideal, I bust my rear during the week to finish chores I would normally save for the weekend (laundry, etc) so that during the weekend when we are together, those things are not distracting me and taking up most of my time. We also have a rule that Friday nights = always at home. We don’t go any where on Fridays and usually order take out and watch TV until we fall asleep. It’s not exciting, but that’s when we finally know the weekend is here and we can spend time together. Something else that helps me is having a lot of hobbies that I am involved with for when he is not home. He also has things he does when he comes home from work, so a lot of times the weekend is when we catch up. We have rough patches we go through b/c sometimes it feels like were are roommates rather than an engaged couple, but usually this schedule works for us b/c we have a system and are used to it.
PS. Your breakfast resturant idea sounds so cute!!! I am jealous. Sounds like such a fun career.
Post # 10
We have those days or weeks. But snuggling on the couch with arms and legs intertwined still gives us those feelings of intimacy and closeness. Bite the bullet some nights and just order in. That gives you more time to sit and chat with him. Bubble baths? Mutual massages? Or a night when he is treated and the next night it’s your turn. These are all low key, relaxing things that might make you feel closer during the dreaded work week.
As for yourself, I know I have taken up pilates and it makes a world of difference. It’s an instant happy boost for the brain. Not to mention what it does for the butt! 😉
Post # 11
Same here! We like to take sunset bike rides, or take the dog for a walk, and just talk about anything. Then come home, shower, and go to bed. Very low key, but helps us stay connected. Also, sometimes going out to dinner or a movie will work