Weddingbee boards

I've thought long and hard about writing this post.  

About a week ago, someone posted that she was beginning to experience an irrational fear of her fiance dying. Well, hive.  It happened to me.  And I am writing this post to tell you that not only was it the most painful, horrible, and life-altering experience I have EVER been through, I am also writing to tell you that, God forbid it should happen to any one of you, there is life after death.  

Once upon a time, I was engaged to a wonderful, amazing, generous, smart, sexy, funny man.  Stephen was my soulmate.  Here is a picture of us on a friend's boat:

One beautiful July afternoon, expecting Stephen to return home after a three-day trip with relatives out-of-state, I received a phone call that would forever change my life.  He had been swimming from one side of a lake to another in New Hampshire and no one saw him make it to the other side.  Unbeknownst to me, when I received the call at 6:15 p.m., the authorities had already been searching for him for three hours.  They would continue searching until dark - about another three hours.  His body was not found until the next morning with the help of a special boat with sonar. He was found in 30 feet of water, less than 100 feet from shore.  

The days, weeks and months that followed were an absolute blur.  Grieving is a very slow, very painful process.  But with the support of family, friends and co-workers, one very small step at a time, I have been able to get my life back to normal.  

I fell in love with a wonderful man who, to this day, holds me when I cry about my loss.  He hung a picture of Stephen in our walk-in-closet.  I have to believe that we were brought together for a reason.  It takes an amazing person to love someone who still loves, and cherishes the memories she has, with another man.  Here I am, planning our wedding, and Stephen's dad is walking me down the aisle. (My dad passed away in 2004).

Life will never be the same.  I am not the same person.  But I am writing this to tell you that life does go on after such a tragedy.  I'm not exactly sure when it happened, but now when I think of Stephen it's mostly with a smile, not tears.  Sometimes tears, but mostly smiles.  

Katy Perry said it best:  "After a hurricane comes a rainbow".  There is always light at the end of the tunnel.

@Ocean: Thank you for sharing your story, I can't imagine how painful that was (and maybe still can be), you sound so strong and I think it's wonderful that you've found a man who allows you to love both him and your late fiance at the same time.

I fear losing my parents too soon, my fiance too soon, but I try to just enjoy the time with them and not worry about something that is ultimately beyond my control.  Thank you again for your post, it is truly inspirational!

Thank you for sharing your amazing story. It brought tears to my eyes - God has blessed your life with two wonderful men. May your wedding be a beautiful day filled with love and happiness.

Thank you for sharing your inspiring story of survival after loss. I'm wishing you the best future with your new love. What a strong and special man.

Totally crying now. I remember hearing someone talk about the death of someone close once and they said "life goes on" and it's true, it does as sad as that is or as hard as it may be to face. Thinking of you and thank you for sharing your heartbreaking, yet beautiful, story.

Your story gave me goosebumps. What an amazing man you FI must be, and you yourself are an incredibly strong woman. Good luck with everything. 

Thank you everyone for your kind words and well-wishes.  Yes, I am truly lucky to have found a wonderful man who understands and accepts what I have gone through.  I always say how lucky I am to have found TWO wonderful men in my lifetime!

Thank you so much for sharing this,I often have fears of loosing my FI and I can't imagine the pain you went thru,you are such a strong woman I admire your strength.

I am so very sorry for your loss and so happy you were able to find love again. I think your continued relationship with Stephen's parents is truly beautiful, and I know that seeing you find happiness again must be a comfort to them.

Your story actually reminds me of a piece in Slate by Emily Yoffe called, "My Husband's Other Wife." It's a story similar to yours but from the other point of view (i.e. your fiance's). She's basically reflecting about her whole family's relationship with her husband's first wife's memory and it is really beautiful. Definitely worth a read:

http://www.slate.com/articles/double_x/doublex/2011/05/my_husbands_other_wife.html