(Closed) Sometimes you won't get the answer you want

posted 5 years ago in Weddingbee
Post # 3
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I’ve noticed that so many of the wedding advice threads aren’t anything but people commenting how much they love the OP’s idea/dress/choice/invitation etc.

It’s like the no snark thing has morphed into “no individual opinion”:/

Post # 4
Member
9613 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@MissFireFlower:  +1

Many bees who offer a differing opinion from the OP are attacked and are told they are being ‘rude, mean’ etc

ETA: Most threads like this have ‘seeking advice’ in the title or first paragraph, it should say ‘seeking people to agree with me even if I am wrong’

Post # 6
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MissFireFlower:  I know what you mean! When I get engaged and post questions about my ideas/planning, I need honest feedback, not ego strokes. I don’t want to think my ideas are good because they were validated on here and then realize I was wrong.

I always make sure to give honest but kind and constructive feedback to threads. However, when I see that a thread has become hairy and that obviously the OP and PPs aren’t open to independent thought, I don’t bother adding my opinions in since they obviously aren’t welcome:/

Post # 7
Member
2797 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2013

I know right? I remember there was this thread where the bride posted a dress that looked horrible on her, 90% of votes on her poll said “choose something else”, but she still came up with a follow-up post to say that she didn’t care what people thought and was going to wear the “horrible” dress anyway. So what was the point of even asking for opinions?

That said, sometimes it’s woth knowing your audience and asking the right questions. I’m pretty sure if I post a photo of my dress, once it’s made, and ask people if they like it, I’m sure I’d get heaps of responses to say that is not bridal enough. (My dress will be dark blue.) If I ask if it suits me, I should hopefully get better responses. And if I post it on Offbeat Bride, I’ll probably get told that it’s TOO bridal, since it’s not goth-vegan-steampunk.

Post # 8
Hostess
8580 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2014

I think alot of times people post threads and they aren’t looking for advice, but rather validation or encouragement.

I would hope there are some ladies out there who DO want actual advice though. I know when I ask a question it’s because I’m not sure/would like advice from someone who might know a little more about the subject than I. Or at the very least, slap some sense into me.

Post # 9
Member
2055 posts
Buzzing bee

I agree 100%. I’ve been a longtime on-and-off lurker of the Bee (I started reading when the original bloggers were all still Ms. [Insect]), so I’ve seen how people react to other’s contrary advice/opinions.

BUT if you are posting on a board asking about “how does this look?” you better believe I (and others) will give you honest opinions. Of course, I will acknolwedge when my opinion is rooted in my personal preferences (and that’s where discretion takes place), but if something isn’t flattering, why would you want to wear it?

I’m not even ~snarky~ with my opinions, but I also don’t sugarcoat it (because that’s pointless). Most of the time “that s^@* is hideous!” or “that is stupid” isn’t even constructive, so I try to be mindful of what the OP is looking for when I explain why I disagree. 

That being said, I realized I give [dress] advice on the Bee in 3 general groups:

  1. when the OP needs dress styles/suggestions –> I will be as blunt and un-sugarcoated as possible because there has been no preference voiced by OP
  2. when the OP is deciding between 2+ gowns –> I will help her narrow by pointing out the pros and cons in each dress
  3. when OP already has her dress –> instead of “keep looking” or “you can do better,” for the most part I will suggest alterations to the current dress to improve what she’s already chosen

@BabyCarat: Definitely. I actually commented in one thread where the OP specifically thanked every. other. person. but me because everyone else agreed, but I gave less than 100% approval. It was actually pretty hilarious. 

Post # 10
Member
648 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@MlleFabuleux:  Ugg, sounds like that OP was pouting that you didn’t feed her ego by validating her choice like the others did.

Post # 11
Member
9063 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

This is probably my biggest gripe about this website. If you’re not so cupcakey and nice that you pee rainbows, your opinion isn’t welcome. If I don’t like something, I say it. If I think something looks ugly/too big/not right/whatever, you’re going to know. I really don’t care if a bride or a general someone is just looking for someone to pat her bottom and tell her how pretty she is/how pretty her ring is/how pretty everything she’s chosen is, because if I don’t agree with it, I’m going to tell her. I’m not going to flower up my comment just so she feels more validated.

I think people forget that when you ask a question, regardless of what it is, where it is, or who you’re asking it to, you’re going to hear answers you don’t like. Women who can’t handle that shouldn’t be on forums in the first place.

Post # 12
Member
1556 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Totally agree. I’m not sure why people think that everyone is always going to agree with them. & I always say.. don’t ask a question you don’t want an answer to!

Post # 13
Member
1459 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - Bristol zoo

Reading this thread I feel kinda bad cause most of what I do is just post on other threads about how wonderful whatever OP wants an opinion on is.

I leave a thread where I don’t like something because I just don’t know how to approach it. I’d struggle to give constructive criticism because I fell I don’t know how something should be, or can’t see what could be changed to make it better. Give me a drawing to redline lol.

 

What I do know is that dealing with criticism is very much a learned thing and some people just can’t do it. Sucks but eh :3

Post # 14
Member
1347 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I believe in voicing my opinion. If you don’t like it, tough.

Post # 15
Member
6360 posts
Bee Keeper

@MangoSong:  +1, we’re all adults here, so I’m going to treat people like it.

Post # 16
Member
4436 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

This is true! I enjoy hearing everyone’s opinions, even if they differ from my own. I’m a SAHM, so the Bee is sort of my equivalent of “water cooler” chat at work:)

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