Post # 1
DH and I received a save-the-date and invitation to the destination wedding of one of my old co-workers/friend. The wedding is in a part of Mexico that would require a 2-hour drive from any airport (the groom has family in this town). DH and I decided not to go for a variety of reasons (other vacations plans, TTC-reasons, and other prior obligations). I was planning on buying a $150ish gift off her registry (shipped to her house), until I got her wedding invite to “The Marriage of Bride & Groom” with a “No Boxed Gifts Please” note on the bottom, which kinda annoyed me, so I readjusted and had planned on writing a $100 check. Like I was really going to bring a boxed gift to DW in Mexico?!
This co-worker/friend and her then-boyfriend came to my wedding last year and bought us a small gift off our registry. We used to be very close but not in the past several years. I haven’t seen her since my wedding, even though we live in the same town.
This was all fine and dandy until I saw on facebook that she just got married this weekend. She posted “XXX and I had a small legal wedding ceremony yesterday and were blessed to have been surrounded by our family and dearest friends”. I was NOT invited to this ceremony and dinner afterword (looks like it was in a restaurant based on the FB pictures), even though it was in my city! I totally understand having a legal ceremony before your DW, but having two receptions and inviting me to your ‘marriage’ when you are already married is annoying.
Apparently DH and I aren’t good enough friends with her to be invited to her small ceremony/dinner which is in our city, but we were invited to go to a very difficult to get to destination wedding where she want us to give her cash? Does this seem gift grabby to you? I’m very tempted to just send her a card now, with no check/gift. Would that be totally rude?
P.S. Before bees start flaming me about legal ceremonies before DW, I would be totally fine if she had the legal ceremony first and the wedding invite had requested our presence at the “Celebration of the marriage” instead of “At the marriage”. I don’t like being lied to or misled. Also, if the legal part was not a big deal why did they invite family and ‘dearest friends’ to attend?
Post # 2
- Wedding: July 2014 - Prague
I really wouldn’t sit around being annoyed b/c of this two-party “issue” that gets everyone into a tizzy. Send her a present and move on.
Post # 3
CityBearBride: The legal part wouldn’t really bother me, she probably did it to avoid the hassle of taking care of it in Mexico. What would bother me is the request for a specific type of gift. In my social circle, it’s pretty much understood that if you have a destination wedding you probably won’t be receiving gifts (i.e. the expense for your guests to travel is their gift). Since you aren’t attending anyways, I think a nice card would suffice.
Post # 4
Gross. I would send a card with my best wishes.
Post # 5
Friends of mine did the legal thing on a weekday with just their parents in tow. The following weekend they did their ‘wedding.’ Everyone knew the score and was fine with it because it was clear from the outset this what they were doing and how they wanted their celebration of marriage to be. I travelled for them and to join in the celebration. They didn’t ask for or stipulate gift type so I just put cash in a card.
But turn the tables, another couple who I’m friends with, eloped without telling anyone. They announced it on facebook and we were all shocked. Low and behold, when they got back they threw a party at their house. (Called it a party not a wedding or celebration or anything like that.) In the group invite message that went out on FB, they asked that people bring whatever they would like to drink, something to throw on the BBQ and also bring them a cash gift. Needless to say, I didn’t go. The cheek of it!
Post # 6
I’m having a DW in a couple months and we also have to get married legally over here first, but we specifically DON’T want our family and friends who are coming to the wedding to be at the legal bit, what’s the point in that?(and I definitely won’t be posting pics/announcements on facebook!) I understand your annoyance about it seeming gift grabby, but I don’t think she’s trying to mislead anyone with her invitation wording ‘at the marriage’, we had ‘to celebrate the marriage of’ on ours even though everyone knows we’re getting married beforehand legally, the difference is we wouldn’t hold what would essentially be two weddings, it’s tacky. You don’t sound particularly close to this girl, and she didn’t invite you to her ceremony even though it was obviously an important event to her with friends and family in your home town, so I wouldn’t send her a gift, just a card, not exactly going to end an epic friendship is it?
Post # 7
CityBearBride: I would send her a congratulations card and that’s it. She’s already married and you aren’t really friends anymore. It certainly sounds gift grabby to me. For me, it would be the reverse. I’d invite my nearest and dearest to a DW because it would be a fun family type trip. Then I’d have something local for everyone else.
Also, it’s pretty easy to get married at Caribbean resorts and they generally handle all the paperwork. I don’t really understand this two weddings business especially when people are misleading about it. To me, this sounds incredibly gift grabby and I wouldn’t play into it at all. You haven’t seen her since your wedding so it’s doubtful that will change now.
Post # 8
Could the “No boxed gifts” have meant not to bring boxed gifts to the DW in Mexico, but that registry gifts delivered to her hone would still be ok? If it’d be awkward for a guest to get a boxed gift there, it would be very awkward indeed for her to get a whole weddings-worth of boxed gifts back to where she lives.
I’m just confused as to why she has a registry if she’s forbidding boxed gifts.
The legal wedding and party and announcement is not what I would have done in her situation, however.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2014 - 11/15/14-Vineyard
Yeah I’d be very annoyed too. Send her a congratulatory card and nothing else.
Post # 10
CityBearBride: Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhh enough with all of this “gift grabby” nonsense. If she has offended you so much, send her a card with a $50 check and move on. Perhaps this “small legal” ceremony was just that–small and reserved for nearest and dearest family and friends–not old coworkers she hasn’t seen in a while. Being passive-aggressive by just sending a card is not very mature, in my opinion.
Post # 11
MrsMeowton: How is sending a card passive aggressive? It’s a thoughtful gesture, and it’s not like she owes this couple a gift.
Post # 12
merpitymerp: It comes off as being completely passive agressive. She’s annoyed she wasn’t invited to their legal ceremony, so now they just get a card. It doesn’t seem very thoughtful.
Post # 13
we are doing a DW, but we are asking for NO GIFTS (Not putting this on our invitation, because I think any mention of gifts, even to say they are not required- is tacky), but we are spreading the word through family and bridal party that we are not wanting gifts as it is a destination wedding. (The expense for many who choose to travel will be a large expense and we are not comfortable asking our guests to do more).
Many DW brides get legally married before heading to the other country because of the difficulties in getting the certificates/blood tests/translations etc- but its kind of rude that she posts it on FB! We will be the only ones who know we are doing it before hand (Day before we leave for Mexico), but our “Wedding day” will be the day I walk down the aisle to greet my FI in Mexico.
Post # 14
I wouldn’t personally be offended if this happened to me, but I can totally see where you’re coming from. It is never rude to send a card with your well-wishes, if that is what you want to do. Besides, it’s not like you’d be writing “We were going to include a check but since you didn’t invite us to the ceremony, you’re not getting one. Suck it! LOLOL” on the thing. She has no clue about what you were planning to give, so she has no reason to be disappointed if you just send a nice card.
Post # 15
I don’t have anything to say about the gift aspect, but I myself am having a Destination Wedding in Mexico and legally getting married in town first.
In Mexico, if you want to get married legally they must take your blood and the entire ceremony must be in Spanish. For those reasons, it simply wasn’t an option for us to get married legally there. We didn’t really want to do two ceremonies but we also didn’t want to give blood.