Post # 1
I’m not really looking for advice. I just need to vent, and to see if anyone else is getting really fed up dealing with their own family.
Let me start by saying I absolutely love FFIL and FMIL. They couldn’t be more helpful, supportive, and wonderful. They’ve happily helped out with planning whenever we were getting overwhelmed or busy with non-wedding life, while also letting us make whatever decisions we wanted to.
I love my parents too, but they have been anything but helpful, supportive, and wonderful. I feel like getting them to do anything for this wedding has been like pulling teeth. It’s not that they don’t want to do things, it’s that they’re just horrible planners and the world’s worst procrastinators. I have been telling them for months to get their outfits, but they still have yet to sort this out. Every other person in the bridal party and from FI’s family had their clothes at least a month ago. This includes my bridesmaids that had to custom order their dresses.
The other things they still need to figure out are deciding what reading my mom’s doing during our ceremony and booking a hotel room. It sounds like a really short list because it is, but they’ve been sitting on it for MONTHS.
On top of this, my mom gets really emotional, and she’s really bad at talking about problems. Instead, she’ll bottle up her emotions and then explode out of nowhere. They flew into town last month for my bridal shower and my mom started yelling at me out of the blue for not including her enough in the wedding process. I was completely blindsighted. I try to tell them about pretty much everything about the wedding, but I don’t really ask my parents for their opinions on things because they get easily overwhelmed by decisions, nor can I ask them to help with anything because they haven’t even gotten around to doing the stuff they NEED to do so it’s ridiculous to think they’d be able to help me with something. I can just see my mom blowing up during the wedding weekend.
(Note: my wedding date is wrong. I am actually getting married in a week and a half!)
Post # 3
My parents were the exact same. And I could never get a straight answer out of them for anything!
We ended up having a tiny wedding in Paris, I got tired of dealing with them pretty early on in the process. When I stopped including everyone in planning, I was finally happy again!
My mom still managed to yell at me and stress me out for no reason the day before the wedding (in Paris!! Who gets that bad on vacation??? She seriously had nothing to do but enjoy herself and zip my dress up–there really wasn’t that much to do). I swear I almost uninvited her right then and there.
She still yells at me every now and then for not having a huge wedding.
Post # 4
@liliwo2016: Your family sounds like my family. I got goosebumps reading your post. My sisters and I overcompensated for my mom procrastinating on her clothes that in the end she was the only one completely ready months beforehand. She even had a backup outfit and backup accessories to that outfit. If only our parents took personal effectiveness workshops and we wouldn’t be having this conversation.
Post # 5
@liliwo2016: There’s still plenty time, don’t help them if helping them requires you to drop stuff you need to do yourself. I made that mistake the week of mine. I neglected some of the stuff I had to do just so I could help them on stuff they could have done themselves.
Post # 6
Thanks, bees!! I feel a lot better knowing I’m not the only one with difficult parents.
@shesho: I really hope my mom doesn’t yell at me the day before my wedding… I decided to spend all morning the day before the wedding with just my parents. Hopefully some alone time will defuse the situation before it gets any worse.
@PetalFace: I’m trying not to, but I’m also trying to pick my battles. If I keep insisting that they do things themselves, my mom’s going to get all bent out of shape and will probably end up screaming at my wedding. Whereas, if I just give into their procrastination and help them out now, I can hopefully have a drama-free wedding later.
Sigh. I love my parents, but I just can’t stand them.
Post # 7
My mom didn’t really show a lot of interest in my wedding at all until maybe six months out. I guess when you’re the bride you know that every second counts, and the earlier you can do things, the better. But sometimes other people, including parents, just aren’t that interested until it gets closer (at least in my case)! Hopefully when your date gets closer it’ll get better!
For me, it’s mostly because my brother and sister are very needy–they both live at home still (at ages 25 and 31) and have all sorts of problems so my mom focuses on them most of the time. Honestly, that’s pretty much the story of my life. I’m not saying that to whine, just telling it like it is.
My brother moved back in with her about a month ago due to a bunch of drama, and surprise surprise, her interest in my wedding has died down again. I guess her enthusiasm was fun while it lasted! Luckily my future in-laws have been amazingly supportive!
Post # 8
Wow! I can relate a bit! My mom has definitely procrastinated on the few things she was doing.. and both of my parents have been pretty uncommunicative about things. I send my mom photos of each new little wedding detail that I figure out and she’s usually pretty un-enthusiastic. And this from the woman who asked me point-blank a few times when my fiance was going to propose (before he did). So you’d think she’d be all about it now that it’s on!
I guess people are WEIRD sometimes and don’t know how to step back and enjoy and appreciate what’s right in front of them and choose instead to get hung up on some little detail that they think should be different?
I sent my parents tux info, saying “please feel free to wear whatever you want, Dad, but if you want to join the groomsmen and FOG, here’s the information” and never heard back for two weeks. I followed up today and he says he got his tux, so I ask if he got the one we picked out or not just out of curiosity. He ignores me all day so I ask him again.. and he says the groomsmen and the FOG are wearing suits for funerals, and he’s going to look fabulous in a “real” tux. Ouch…
So instead of telling him that hurt my feelings a tad, I’ll just probably get over it and vent to my sister and fiance! And I can definitely picture my mom having some sort of horrible attitude or “blow-up” on my wedding day. And I’m at the point where I’m pretty sure I’d be able to just say “wow you’re crazy” and enjoy my day.. sad but true, I guess people are just WEIRD sometimes!
Post # 9
@Bride_Jammer: Sounds all familiar teritory to me! My mom was always constantly asking me when my husband was going to proposed. When he did she was ecstatic but didn’t care to get involved in the wedding planning. It’s like she was just happy to have me get married off and that she didn’t have to worry about me anymore.
“I guess people are WEIRD sometimes and don’t know how to step back and enjoy and appreciate what’s right in front of them and choose instead to get hung up on some little detail that they think should be different?”
If we are thinking on the same page… you mean some family members forget or don’t know to take it all in and savour the moment?
If that’s what you meant I can relate again. I don’t think my parents took part in the experience of getting thick into the planning of their daughters’ wedding. I think they went into the wedding with a guest’s viewpoint.
Guest: “wow those flower’s are nice, I wonder where they got those”
Involved Parent: “wow those flower’s are nice, they were worth it, I’m feeling pretty chuffed, those colours were my idea :)”
Guest: “yum this lamb is cooked pretty well”
Enthusiastic Parent: “I’m glad we persuaded her to go with lamb, I’m sure she’s chuffed with us”
I can go on, you get my point! Family members would get more out of it if they showed a little bit more enthusiasm. My parents got their outfits ready and they accomplished that I couldn’t say they felt any ownership on any parts of the wedding which is a pity.
Post # 10
Totally get it. My parents have their issues and FIs parents are great.
Post # 11
@liliwo2016: this sounds familiar. my mil/fil were not interested, my mom, not so much until i gave her the job of receiving the rsvps and she took that job very seriously. my dad is a typical guy and my step mom, who i am not overly close to was actually the most helpful and got her dress first out of all of the parents.
Post # 12
I’m having the opposite problem. My mom is too involved, she thinks it’s her wedding!! My mom is like your mom though, anytime I try to discuss problems with her she gets extremely emotional and either cries or says she just wont be involved *sigh* I feel your pain.
Post # 13
@liliwo2016: In my opinion, you should stop worrying about any of this. Your parents are adults. Let them worry about their own clothes. Let them worry about their own hotel reservations. Let them deal with whatever fallout results from their own procrastination and work it out themselves. If your Mom doesnt choose a reading either choose it for her or take her out of the ceremony. If she blows up at you, tell her you can talk after the wedding but now is not the time.
Lastly, don’t set yourself up for aggravatigon by expecting you parents to be anything else but what they are.
Post # 14
@PetalFace: “If we are thinking on the same page… you mean some family members forget or don’t know to take it all in and savour the moment?”
Yes, exactly! And I think your take on the “guest” mentality vs. the involved/enthusiastic parent/person is right on!
Post # 15
@Bride_Jammer: I was pissed off then but now I hope they don’t realize that they missed out because I don’t want them to regret anything. The next sister to get married is many years away. And she might not have the same kind of wedding I did. One day when I have a daughter I will definitely get involved to a level that she wants me to.
Oh yeah, it’s like missing to see your kid grow up, similar to being that parent that never went to their children’s plays, or watch them play sports, etc.