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My wedding had 32 guests, I'm not sure if that counts as small and intimate the way you're thinking. If someone really wanted to come, I'd have to see ... are they just people who want to come to weddings in general, or do they mean a lot as to you and your fiance?
In my case, no, everyone was accepting of the fact that it was a small wedding, mostly family and about 10 friends.
we're having a small ceremony and a bigger dinner. when my aunt found out she's not invited to the ceremony, she hung up on my mom. there were other bad reactions as well. we just explain our reasons and usually they understand. if not, oh well.
We just had close family with a handfull of friends. A friend from college that I haven't spoken to in eight months called the night before the wedding and left a nasty voice mail on my phone. I haven't called him back, but he keeps calling and wanting to talk about it. I'm not sure I even know what to say to himi at this point.
Geez ... there's no reason for a nasty voicemail. I'm assuming he's not invited because the friendship has fizzled? And your first contact with him was a voicemail regarding the wedding? I have two questions: 1) were you ever romantically involved and 2) was he drunk?
I'd suggest letting him know the wedding is small, but that you'd love to catch up the next time it works out.
You might be getting some flack if friends are finding out about your engagement thorugh the grapevine, through facebook, etc. Even friends I didn't invite to the wedding I told personally, either through a phonecall or even email, so the "status change" wasn't a surprise.
I'm with Mary-Alice. Why would he call you after 8 months of not talking and be upset about the wedding the night before? I would just let him know that you are sorry you hurt his feelings but you had a private event with you family.
If they don't understand why, they are not the right kind of friend and the relationship needs to be reevaulated or even ended. This guy seems like he needs to get nixed - for good!
He found out through a mutual friend that assumed he was invited.
We were never romantic at all, just friends since the first day of college, he has been a ghost for the past year, with a quick phone call here or there, but I haven't spoken to him at all, not even facebook since the beginning of the year.
Speaking of family, we didn't even get to invite all of our family. His dad has nine brothers and sisters and my mom has six. Of course they all have kids, and some of them have kids, so we had to draw the line somewhere. I'm just not sure how to approach him at this point without starting an argument.
I'm dreading these type of scenarios. While my wedding won't be small (150 max), I went to a very small college - the type of thing where everyone knows everyone and groups of friends overlap and there are lots of "acquaintances" and such. I simply can't invite everyone I would want to due to budget and space constraints, but I'm sure there will be drama once the guestlist goes public and a lot of "I can't believe X was invited and not me" blah blah blah. My friends (from my same college) just got married and there was MAD drama of this type and as a BM I had to field a lot of questions about why people weren't invited and it was incredibly annoying. Frankly, I've done my best with the space I've got and if people don't like it, they can shove their non-existent invitation up their you know what. Over it.
I haven't made my guest list yet, but I'm terrified of the reaction I'm going to receive from my extended family. We're getting married at City Hall, which allows couples to have only six guests!! Already that poses a problem since my FH's parents are both divorced and remarried.
Our reception venue only holds 50 people, so I know that there'll be a sh!t fit from my grandmother about not inviting all my random great-aunts and uncles. Plus it's going to be at a bar at 10 pm, so I know that'll be another big effing problem. *sigh*
Weird. FI and I weren't invited to a friend's wedding a while back, which was really confusing because we had hung out with them every week for a really long time--spent New Year's together twice, had been over to each other's places often--and they invited everyone else in our group (AWKWARD when someone started talking about receiving the invitation and got shushed by the groom). They didn't have a particularly small wedding either.
I gave them the benefit of the doubt and assumed they made the guestlist early in the process (before we met the bride, who was in school in the South at the time and we all became friends who hung out regularly) and for some reason decided to be inflexible about adding two people. ;) I would NEVER have called the day before the wedding to bitch and moan about it; it's their decision.
Of course, we're not really friends with them anymore, either, directly as a result of being the only ones in that circle who weren't invited. It was kind of weird, but not as weird as the fact that they never acknowledged how weird it was. A simple "we would have liked to invite you, but space was too tight" or SOMETHING would have been enough! Pretending nothing happened was just too awkward.
@ pinklady: I think behavior like that does not even warrant a return call. Friendships work both ways. If he thought he was invited, why didn't he call earlier than the night before? And when was the last time he invited you over for a simple BBQ, or called to say happy birthday? No m'am, I think you're better off just not returning that call. Especially if you hardly talked to him in the last year anyways. Not worth it.
I'm terrified of the reaction we're going to get from his family... like your family, both his parents have a ton of siblings. We can't invite them, all their kids, their kids kids, etc. You HAVE to draw the line! As for the ex-college friend, what a jerk! Who does that? I'm sorry he tried to rain on your parade. :)
In our case, only my FIs immediate family members (parents, siblings & their spouses and children) and about 2 sets of cousins & their spouses are invited. He'll have more of his college friends & coworkers there than family. We are having a small wedding (less than 75) but I imagine they still won't understand & I'll be known as his b*tchy wife who didn't let any of his come to the wedding.
C'est la vie. People have to deal & stop procreating so much! I have 13 cousins, he has about 50. Sheesh... find a hobby! lol jk.
Not directly to us, but one person expressed her displeasure to a mutual friend. The irony is we aren't even friends! She has told multiple people that she introduced my husband and I. Which is NOT TRUE. Trust me I remember the night I met my husband. :)
I would just take it as a compliment that he cares so much... and be grateful we weren't friends anymore.
My wedding is 135 so not small.. but if anyone did that to me, I don't think I would consider them a friend nor wanting to be there for me. Just my opinion though.
I have been on the other side of this: I didn't see a really good friend of mine for a couple of months. Cue to a month ago, she gets married and invites everyone in my group but me and my FH (and some couldn't go--she knew this in enough time to B-List us at least)! Lesson learned: I don't have to pay for her dinner on May 15, 2010, and we're not as close as I thought we were.
But I would NOT call her and bitch her out. No way.
Edit: btw, this friend got engaged and married in two months, just an FYI. I hadn't seen her in 3 and she doesn't answer her phone or reply on facebook, so I didn't make the cut!
I'm so worried about this - people freaking out...
Our wedding is not going to be small (about 200 people invited) BUT 90% of that is our families. We drew a generational line (stopped at cousins) because we knew it would become larger than life very quickly. FI and I both cut out several groups of people that could have been invited, but for one reason or another, they weren't on the list. Most are friends that we were very close to as some point, but have drifted away from. I dread the pushy (RUDE) people that will demand to know why they we not invited.
The voice mail was unacceptable and as a lot of bees have said friendship does go both ways. Our wedding will have about 150-175 because my FI has a ton of extended family (@ recessionistabride lol I completely agree with them getting a hobby lol) I work with a lot of pushy people that all assume that they are invited to the wedding. All I do is let them know it is mostly a family event and we wont be able to afford the extra people. When they get mad I just tell them I'm sorry that's how it's going to work out, I'm still in college after all.
Everyone that is worried just keep your head up, it will work out. :)
Well, my coworkers pretty much invited themselves. Before I had planned anything at all about the wedding they were already making plans to travel to my home state (where they knew the wedding would be.) At that point I told them I wasn't sure what kind of wedding I would be having and whether it would be just my immediate family they went CRAZY. I mean crazy! "How can you not invite us?! We've known you for years! We're like family!" Blah blah blah. I wanted to only invite one coworker who I am very close to, but our office is only 5 people so there was no way to invite one and not the others without drama. On top of that, my fiance is also friends with them and he really wanted us to invite them so in the end I did. Now, ironically, most of them aren't even coming because it's "too expensive" "too far away" whatever. It doesn't bother me whether they come or not, but to not come after having raised such a stink about it is super annoying.
I haven't had a wedding yet, so apopogies if I'm barging in, but this thread reminds me of a wedding I endured when I worked as a waitress.
The couple were having a civil ceremony, then going off into the bar while we changed the room around for the wedding breakfast. Only about 20 people were to be catered for. We set the ceremony room up for 20 people, and 20 people arrived sat down and they had a lovely ceremony.
The couple retired to the bar, and we raced to change the room, putting in a horseshoe shape table, with 8 down each long side, and the B&G with (I presume) their son and daughter on the short side.
Sometime during setup, I was sent for a something-or-other. (I can't remember!) The bar where the B&G were was right outside the room and all I could see was about 6 people, dressed for a wedding facing one way, and some of the people who had been at the ceremony, including the groom, facing the other way looking like they were trying to calm them down, and get them to leave. I figure weddings are emotional and these things happen, but I mentioned it to my manager anyway. and went on my merry way.
By the time I returned with the whatever-it-was the Bride was sitting in the corner with her kids, looking like she was trying not to cry, and the group in the middle was shouting and screaming at one another like nobody's business!
Being as I was a young, female staff member, I was told to get in the kitchen and stay there, and so were quite a few others. As far as I heard, the police were called in, and the entire group was booted out. The next thing we knew about it, we were clearing the reception room - no meal was served, no drinks, nothing. Because they were kicked out, there was no refund, AND they would have had to pay for the damages they did.
It's a shame, because the staff had all commented on how lovely the couple had seemed - some people, you know, you kind of expect to see fighting - these didn't seem like that!
Anyway, moral of the story either only work in places where people are having weddings if you love fighting, or it's better to tell people they aren't invited and risk a nasty voicemail, than not say anything and risk them showing up!
Has anyone mailed/emailed an "official" announcement to the non-invited guests as a way to "ask for their blessing" more or less but softly let them know they aren't invited.
We're having a wedding of about 100, and the lines of who is getting invited are fuzzy. It's mostly my immediate family, aunts/uncles, and a good # of friends, plus his immediate family, aunts/uncles, cousins, and just a couple friends. We're about even on both sides, but that is because I have decided not to invite some friends or any of my cousins. I'm OK with this decision, we have to draw the line somewhere or else we will be in major debt.
So to repeat, I'm wondering if anyone has mailed/emailed an "official" announcement to the non-invited guests as a way to "ask for their blessing" more or less but softly let them know they aren't invited. Or is really the only way to do this via an verbal phone call or in-person meeting? Or not at all and let them figure it out and react as they will, of course...
this is an interesting discussion. i am going to have 250 people which is a lot and i haven't even panned out my guest list. but I do have a story about something similar to this.
I think I feel your pain.
me and my fi didn't make a mass announcement that we were engaged... when we saw people we told them we were and whatever. i have one friend from high school that found out from another friend that i actually talk to that i was engaged and started sending massive facebook messages about how i didn't tell her i was engaged... well i have been engaged for 6 months i haven't seen you in that time, i didn't think we were actually that close for me to go out of my well to tell her. She got really mad. She wrote me a pretty nasty e-mail after I facebooked messaged her back saying how i was a bad friend and how she doesn't think we are really friends. um... okay.
try not to let these things get you down. just do what's right for you. good luck with this! ^_^
@RUBride: I wonder if sending out a mass announcement could backfire, as in people think you are asking for gifts rather than blessings? I'm not sure I'd enjoy being told I'm not invited, however softly. When they don't get an invitation, they'll know. Or if they ask, you can say, "I'm sorry, we had to keep it even, limited space, limited funds, etc." Are you worried about wedding crashers?
This happened with a friend's friend who got married. I wasn't sure if I was invited or not, and my friend was invited and thought I was, too. So she talked about the wedding to me, etc, but my invitation never arrived. Oops! :) But oh, well. I figure it basically meant I wasn't in her inner circle, and that's okay with me.
We are having a small wedding and as a result, some friends who had assumed they were invited asked and had to be given our company line about budget and not being able to invite everyone we wanted etc, etc.
We decided to go with giving everyone who was single a "plus one" - another pandora's box in itself. For us, it was either be the bad guy for restricting the "plus one's" or be the bad guy for restricting total number overall and just bite the bullet with telling the ones who didn't make the "A" list that thy weren't invited. Not a fun conversation either way!
I started another thread a while back about not inviting my aunt and uncle, who I am not close to at all. In fact, my aunt called me a snob when I didn't go to their house for dinner in university (Which I didn't do because their house was an hour and a half bus ride away, and my uncle works 10 min from my apt and wounldn't pick me up on the way home from work becuase it was "out fo the way"..hmmm). But now I am stuck inviting them becuase my grandparents are going to be staying with them during my wedding weekend! So it would be a little awkward if my grandparents left to go to the wedding and they were not invited. So I am going to suck it up and invite them. And we are having a small ceremony of 60 guests.
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Did anyone else have a small, intimate wedding and have someone just FREAKOUT about not being invited?