Post # 1
Hi, I read these forums all the time, and now I need some advice. The other day I went to a work party for the end of tax season (I’m a tax preparer) Fiance went with me and we started drinking (it was a super early dinner) we then proceeded to attend his work anniversary party, then a going away dinner. Needless to say, we were pretty drunk by the end of that dinner. His good friends were at the last dinner and wanted to go out and keep drinking, which I did too. FI was tired and wanted to go to bed, but encouraged me to stay out with his friends. I did and proceeded to get SUPER drunk. I spent most of my time hanging out with his very good friend (and business partner) who gets really grabby and affectionate when he drinks. FI has seen this happen before and it’s never been an issue, since the partner has a Girlfriend and is by all accounts very happy in his relationship.
Anyway, we go back to our house, since the partner lives about 2 hours away and we have a loft for visitng friends. We stayed up and watched TV and drank more, and at this point I barely remeber what happened, but Fiance said things got quiet and he got wierded out and came out to see what was going on, and we sprang apart and pretended we were sleeping. I know we didn’t even kiss or anything, but it was obviously really inappropriate. FI kicked me out of the house for an indeterminate time…we’re supposed to get married in 2 months AND start a business, and now I totally ruined both. FI said he feels like breaking up over it seems ike a huge over-reaction, but he’s super pissed, understadably. I’m not attracted to his friend at all, and I blame him for having lax boundares and myself for not just getting up and going to bed. I feel like our relationship was so perfect and awesome before this, and it won’t ever be the same, even once his anger fades. Has anyone else had a sort-of cheat very close to their wedding date? I’m so sad & don’t know what to do.
Post # 3
hhm sounds tricky. if u were that drunk are u sure u werent doing anything with his friend? i think u just need to put yourself in his position – imagine if you walked in on your best friend and fiancee in what looked like an intimate setting? wouldnt feel very nice ay. id say hell take you back and it will be sweet, but hell just need a bit of time . give it a few days. 2 months is ages away in the scheme of time for making up etc.
Post # 4
I don’t see how it has anything to do with lax boundaries. If you are commited to someone, you should be forming your own boundaries in your mind based on your morals for yourself. If you know that his business partner gets touchy with drinking, then you do not drink with him. And you certainly do not stay out/up all night with that person without your Fiance. But that’s just me. You kind of walked into this.
Post # 5
I’m finding it hard to be sympathetic because my days of drinking like that are long over. Like, after I turned 21 I was over it. And I would never get that wasted without the company of my FH, and certainly not with a friend who I know is flirty. I’m sorry you find yourself in this situation but….that’s what happens when you make poor choices. Give him some time and apologize, and hopefully he will forgive you. He needs to regain trust you broke.
Post # 6
I think you put yourself in an inappropriate situation, regardless of what actually transpired. I don’t blame your FH for being pissed.
Post # 7
I love my fiances friends and if they lived in the same city, I would probably go out drinking with them too. My fiance and I still like to enjoy a good rambunctious night out so even though I am almost 30, I can still drink with the best of them. I dont blame you at all for that. What I do blame you for is going out drinking with a guy who you know is flirty. One of my Fiance friends can be that way a bit so I would never hang out with him alone. Additionally, the second I would have got home, I would have been trying to get in bed with my Fiance – not staying up with his friend. I absolutely agree with your Fiance decision to kick you out. You shouldnt blame anyone but yourself for putting yourself in this situation.
Post # 8
Your Fiance has every right to react how he did.
Post # 9
I think the problem has more to do with the excessive alcohol consumption than with lax boundaries. As someone who does not drink alcohol, I have had abundant opportunity to observe the effects of excessive consumption and to me it doesn’t look like a good time. As for your Fiance, I can totally understand why he is pissed.
I was a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a wedding where the bride got intimate with one of the groom’s friends at an all-out party where everyone drank themselves stupid. I got bored early (non-drinkers rarely find extremely drunk people to be fun)and apparently it happened in the wee hours of the morning. The bride said nothing to me, the wedding went on as planned. I only found out about it when they were in the process of divorcing three years later.
Post # 10
I never accept being drunk as an excuse. I’ve been drunk to the point of being sick and throwing up, or the room is spinning and I feel awful and yet I’ve never gotten too comfortable with somebody else.
Your finace is completely justified in being upset.
Post # 11
Don’t blame this guy. Seriously, this has nothing to do with his boundaries, you are the one who is engaged, it has to do with yours.
I am very liberal when it comes to alcohol, but I know my limits. Never in a million years would I put myself in that position, and I’m a drinker.
That being said, you need to eat some serious crow and take responsibility for what you did. And figure out a way so it doesn’t happen again. Note that I’m not calling you an alcoholic or anything, you just need to get some control over yourself and your actions when you drink, or you can’t let yourself get that intoxicated.
Post # 12
Wait… he kicked you out of the house that you share? No matter how mad he may be, that’s not cool.
Post # 13
if i were your fi, i would be upset too. you were drunk so do you even know what happened??
Post # 14
uh…I think you have to find out what happened? Doe the friend remember? I mean If you guys did nothing then I’m not sure why your Fiance is mad. Is he accusing you, did he see somehting?
Post # 15
I hate these sort of posts. If this is a problem… drinking and spending time with people who do not respect your relationship and pending marriage… then I would not be getting married. It seems like you’re looking for others with “near-cheat” experiences, and I don’t think that’s what you need to be looking for here…
Post # 16
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Even though this is obviously your fault, I’m still very sympathetic – sometimes people who are super wasted make really poor choices despite how much they may love their partner. I think you just have to give your Fiance space but also do everything in your power to make him realize what a stupid, pointless, totally irrational mistake this was. Since it was the result of excessive drinking, it might mean more to him if you show him how seriously you are taking this by pledging to stop drinking (at least for a while, like until your wedding?). Good luck, I feel badly for both of you 🙁