DH and I are finding out the baby's gender soon... but we have made the decision to keep the news to ourselves until baby is born, with the possible exception of our parents. I can't really say WHY we decided that. It just feels right for us! I guess with all the intrusive questions and comments you get from people regarding pregnancy, we want something we can keep to ourselves.
However, we have gotten nothing but negative comments about it from people! From my sister saying its 'totally weird' to friends saying we are 'ruining their fun' over finding out the gender of the baby, we have gotten a wide gamut of negative responses and not one positive.
So I thought I'd survey the Hive...Is this weird? What's the difference between this and people who are actually Team Green? I don't think they'd be accused of being weird or ruining people's fun.
I'm not pregnant, but would love to be!
I get what you're saying, though. I think I want to be Team Green, but if we happen to find out, I'd keep it a secret from everyone except DH. I hate a lot of the gendered baby stuff and would prefer neutral gifts.
@the boss of you: I think we are maybe leaning this way because people say things like "Well, if you have a boy, they're so difficult because of ______ (insert blah blah blah)" or "You don't want a girl because they're so much drama and you just wait". We're already not telling the name because we're tired of opinions... but maybe we'll just still get them regardless of whether or not we tell people the gender! I hate gendered baby things too.
For the people who are voting that its weird... I would love to hear why!
I totally think you are within your rights to find out and not tell, but I think people may feel like you are keeping a secret from them just to keep a secret... I am also not sure I would be able to avoid using He or She once I knew, so that may be why your approach is not as common.
I voted your baby, do what you want. May I ask why you are finding out if you don't want others to know?
Edit: Just saw your post above. I also dislike all pink or all blue, and we are keeping our names under wraps as well.
I think your best bet to avoid frustration with friends/family is to lie and say you are team green. I know I would be thoroughly annoyed if a friend told me she knew the sex but "couldn't tell." That would be like saying "I have a secret but I don't want to tell you." That's just my thoughts though :-) At the end of the day it's your baby, your choice!!
Here is something interesting:I have a friend who only told a very small group of us that she was (likely) having a boy. They were "Team Green" according to all of her relatives, coworkers and other friends.
One reason was that she and her husband didn't like the gendered baby clothes such as "daddy's li'l slugger" or "mommy's princess" stuff.
But the other reason was they had a chance for some kind of genetic defect that involved genitals, somehow. There was a slim chance their baby could have been sporting a big set of girl parts or some of each sex, even though on ultrasound it looked like a boy. So to stay safe, they didn't reveal the sex to everyone until after he was born.
I think it's your baby so you have a right to do what you like. However, I voted to lie and tell people you are Team Green so they don't bug you about it. Seems easier to me that way. They can't complain if they think you don't know either!
@Mrs. Aardvark: I just have major opinion exhaustion. I seriously had someone get on to me yesterday about the shoes I was wearing (too high! you're going to fall and hurt the baby!) to several people griping about the teensy cup of coffee I was drinking. If we tell people the gender and start getting opinions on THAT too, DH and I seriously think I might crack. Pregnancy hormones haven't been kind to me so I'm already extremely emotional.
I don't think it's weird to be team green, but I do think it's weird to find out and then just tell your parents and deliberately keep it from other people.
If you don't want "daddy's li'l slugger" stuff, just return it after you get it, or just deal with it for a little while. Babies grow fast anyway and then you can buy what you want your kid to wear. People will buy you random gifts either way.
In the vein of this, there is a comedy song (you can find it on youtube, it's blocked at work or I would link it) It's called "Pregnant Women are Smug". Very funny if you want to check it out.
ETA: I am currently pregnant (and team blue), just so you don't think I hate pregnant women. :)
I'd like to do this very thing whenever we have children.
It is your baby, you can do whatever you what.
@tayona: I wouldn't say I'm smug. I'd say I'm on the verge of a breakdown because everybody and their mother criticizes my every move or gives me their opinion on EVERYTHING.
I had a friend that did this. She had twins but wouldn't discuss gender/names. Which is fine, it's her right, but some people knew...And it made us all feel like, we weren't important enough and that she had an exclusive group of friends. Which I suppose is her right! But I'd say lie and say you're team green if you want to avoid that.
Personally, I HATE keeping secrets so as soon as we find out the gender we will tell everyone.
However, it is YOUR baby. I don't see this as being any different than people who keep the baby's name a secret to avoid people's opinions on it. I'm sure your friends and family will be a little upset because everyone is probably curious and excited for you.
Being pregnant, I know how annoying it can be to get unsolicited opinions/advice from EVERYONE you see!
@ChuckNorris: I can see where people would think that was snobby! We won't have ANYONE that knows unless our parents know... and I don't think it will be common knowledge to anyone that our parents know. I would never do the clique-y game like she did!
We *might* tell people what the gender is, but I have GOT to get a lot more aggressive about telling people where they can stick their constant opinions. I don't want you to tell me your nightmare birth story while you invade my personal space and rub my belly!
I didn't mean to imply you were smug, that's just what it is called. it's just a funny video about this sort of situation.
try this link http://youtu.be/LbTB3ASkdOo
i wish i could have voted multiple options, because i think its your uterus, your kid and your choice, but really i would lie about being team green just to avoid all the drama.
in fairness to others in your life though, if my best friend or my sister-in-law refused to tell me the gender of their baby, i am pretty sure FI would be in for a lot of "wtf?" rants about it. inquiring minds want to know!!!
It is your situation, of course- but personally I think it is kind of weird. I mean, you are basically telling people that some people get to know and not others. I don't know why you would do this? (Just my personal opinion!)
i don't think this is weird, but everyone else will! DH and i were going to do the same thing, except we weren't going to tell anyone. we decided it would be too hard to keep it a secret and we also felt some people may have hurt feelings if/when they found out we kept the secret from them. people are weird about pregnancy and weddings, so beware! DH and i found out the sex this weekend, and we both commented to each other that now that we know, we can't imagine keeping it a secret from our friends and family. just our experience, but you might change your mind once you know the sex and are so excited to tell everyone! (p.s. we're having a BOY! :) )
@ellebeerob: I think that would be fine then! Or have you thought about doing a gender reveal party like G&B did? At like 35 weeks to limit the # of questions?
I don't think it's weird, but people aren't going to like it!
DH and I planned on doing this but with people already asking us about the gender before we'd even found out, we knew it would be impossible to keep the secret, so we abandoned our plan.
Good luck!
@cbee: We wouldn't be telling anyone unless we caved and told our parents (DH's mom has cancer so we will prob end up telling her. She needs all the happiness she can get) but it won't be common knowledge that our parents know.
@ellebeerob: So in other words, you would secret know (you and your SO) and no one would know that you know? That might work. I think my mom did that with my little sister- said she didn't know when in retrospect I think she did know. I think that is okay. I am excited to find out and tell everyone because I want to tailor any gifts to the gender (as far as clothing goes). Why do you want to wait to tell everyone else?
Not pregnant but tell them to STFU! You can do whatever you'd like! However, be aware if you tell your parents, etc. they may or may not keep the secret!
Whatever, those people need to shut it. I've had friends who chose not to find out the sex of their baby, and it's a fun suspense for the rest of us too! I can somewhat understand those people feeling left out, but it's your freaking baby so it's your business.
Try not to take it too personally - I'm sure this is the first in a LONG line of reasons that people will judge you and your parenting, cause it happens to everyone.
I can totally see how all the unsolicited input can be incredibly frustrating, and I don't think you have any obligation to tell people your baby's gender or name before birth but... I'd be really hurt if I was a friend of yours and you told me that you knew the gender but were keeping it a secret, cause it's like saying "I don't trust you to refrain from giving me crappy unsolicited advice on my kid's gender." And if I wasn't a close friend, I would probably just think it was kind of obnoxious that you're telling me that you know but you won't tell me. It's like that little kid "I know something you don't know!" vibe, and that's kind of hurtful, especially when I was probably just asking to be polite/make small talk in the first place. I'd much rather you just lie and tell me you don't know!
But hey, it's your baby and you're entitled to do whatever you think is best! This is just my (solicited!) opinion. :)
@cbee: I want to wait just because of the onslaught of intrusive opinions and questions I've gotten, and people telling me they'll be disappointed if its a boy, or disappointed if its a girl. I don't think anyone would dare say they were hoping/thinking another gender after the baby is born. I have a couple of friends who already call the baby a 'he' and say they just KNOW it's a boy. Also, We had someone announce our news FOR us when I was only 9 weeks along. She found out on accident (I threw up at church and she heard DH checking on me) so I think we might be a little bitter about giving people information :)
I don't think anyone (except maybe parents/siblings) has just cause to be offended that you want know the sex but don't want to tell the world. What rights do other people have to the details of your pregnancy? They can find out when it's born.
@ellebeerob: Oh wow! No kidding! I wouldn't want to deal with that either. I am glad I have not gotten any of those comments! Other than people saying to let us know right away so they can buy things :) I am sorry people are so invasive. I don't think anyone will ask me if I will circumcise or if I will do a natural childbirth, but you never know! I can just imagine those types invasive questions!
@ChuckNorris: We've kicked around the idea of a compromise, which is keeping the gender to ourselves between the elective ultrasound and the anatomy scan appointment and THEN telling people after the 20 week anatomy scan. That way we have time to kind of soak up the news and have our little secret for a while...And we've also got the good excuse that we just want to make sure our first ultrasound was right before we tell anyone. Now that I've thought about this a little bit, I'm pretty sure our hesitation is stemming from having someone else (who found out because she overheard DH check on me after I got sick at church) announce our pregnancy when I was only 9 weeks. I think its made us a little bitter about giving out information :)
My sister knows the gender of her baby and she is not telling. She wanted to find out, her husband did not. So, the compromise was that they would find out but not tell people (although I'm 99% sure that my mom knows). I don't mind at all. It's her baby and I kinda like the suspense of it - plus, I'm due 2 weeks before her and we don't know what we're having, so it's neat knowing that our family is about to grow by two and yet we're not sure what gender combo we'll get.
I remember your story about the church lady who broke your news. Honestly? I would tell folks that you've already had repo ole share your news before you we're ready and kinda ruin one of the most amazon moments in life and so you two are going to find out the sex and keep it between you and announce it on your own terms - as you should have been permitted to do with the pregnancy announcement itself.
Do what you want! People get so crazy imposing their opinions on others--this is a decision for you two as a couple and no one else!
I don't think it's weird at all! My best friend and her husband are expecting and know what they're having but haven't shared it with anyone (parents, siblings...anyone!). Hey - it's their news to share (or not share). I'm having fun asking her questions to make her think before she responds (so she doesn't slip up) and threatening to sneak into her house and check out the nursery. I'll know soon enough whether it's a boy or girl!
FI and I are discussing playing team green or being team green until the baby shower to avoid gender specific gifts and terms. It's nice to say you can return things that are gender specific, but people want to see your child in the gifts they bought them. My friend returned things and then people asked about them later. I think we'll lean this way a lot more if we find out it's a girl. I, personally, don't want my baby sporting "spoiled" onsies. Or, as my friend recieved at a baby shower "Does this onsie make my butt look big?" My best friend is the total opposite from me on this and we respect each others opinions but it's SO much easier to avoid hurt feelings by being/playing team green. I think if you do chose to find out the gender and not share it has to be global, only you and your SO should know, no one else to avoid that exclusivity club.
No. Half Team Green or full throttle Team Green, you are going to hear how disappointed people are because they won't know, how it's not fair, etc, etc, etc.
We were Team Green and those comments solidified the fact of us going Team Green again just to annoy people if we have another one.
@MsMamaBear: haha! I kind of love being annoying about it after someone announced FOR us when I was only 9 weeks! Payback! I think we're going to actually go Team Green for our second baby, but play dumb and pretend we're Team Green with this one ;)
i wouldn't tell people that we knew. DH and i are pretty sure about our baby's name, but i keep telling people that we have a couple of top names and we'll choose when we meet her. which isn't a lie, but it's more like 95% on her name, than 50/50. :)
I am at 6w0d. Very few people know, and we haven't told our parents yet. I really don't want to tell anyone the gender in advance because I don't want gender-specific gifts. However, my husband reeeeeaallllly hopes that it's a girl. So, I feel strongly that we need to find out the gender in advance so that he can adjust to the news if necessary.
I'm interested to read the comments that say we shouldn't tell anyone that we know the gender. Thanks for the suggestion! We will definitely find out in advance but maybe we should just act like we're still in the dark.
We won't announce our name selection in advance either. I really cannot stand unsolicited advice, especially with something like this, and especially from my mother and/or MIL.
I voted other, because I see it both ways.
I'm 32, so many of my friends and coworkers have been pregnant and had babies. I can't tell you how many times there's been a baby shower for a coworker I'm not all that close to, so I don't know the sex of the baby, and I have to look for a "team green" gift, and they are IMPOSSIBLE TO FIND. Like, every rack will have just 1-2 ugly selections of yellow or green something-or-other that isn't nice at all. I once went to three stores in a row (target, then babies r us, then finally buy, buy, baby just to find a decent Team Green shower gifts. After that experience, I gave up and started getting them whatever ugly thing I found at the first place I went.
I did hear one of my good friends complain after her baby shower (not in a mean way, but more in a wondering kind of way) about why so many people got her those carters onesies. And I had gotten her those, too, because it was the ONLY thing I could find in green or yellow that still wasn't obviously boy or girl. Like, I could find a yellow sleepsuit, but it would say, "daddy's little princess" or something on it.
I think this turned into a rant. But yeah...on the gift giving side of things, team green is annoying.
To illustrate my point:
check out target's current baby offerings (clothes). http://www.target.com/c/apparel-baby-boutique/-/N-5v5h9#?lnk=lnav_t_spc_1_1_0
To the left, you can click on "gender" and specify "gender neutral". Maybe it's just my taste, but 95% of their gender neutral clothes are so ugly. I wouldn't want to buy them.
But as long as you aren't having showers or anything that asks for gifts, I say do what you want! =) I mean, probably parents and close family will spring for more expensive gifts like car seats and strollers, but for your casual friends that are looking to spend $25, those oatmeal colored target clothes are what you're going to get! ;-)
@Regina Phalange: I totally agree. "Ruining their fun"? "their" fun? Um, they have no rights to fun for your pregnancy. I guess I just don't take offense as easily as others. But you might go ahead and save yourself some grief and just say you aren't finding out.
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