SO's female friend

posted 2 weeks ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
140 posts
Blushing bee

I just saw a comment (on a similar post) where someone replied to the OP and said that women should stop apologizing for their feelings. ESPECIALLY when there are legitimate concerns. You are not over-reacting and you’re entitled to feel the way you feel. Most other women (or men) in this situation would feel the same way.

The fact that you’re not asking “Would I be really selfish to tell him not to go? Should I suck it up and just let him go?” speaks volumes about how mature understanding you are. 

Post # 3
Member
3890 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I feel like he ruined any sense of normalcy in a friendship when he decided to exchange flirty and suggestive texts with her while he was with you. For me that would be a betrayal that I’m not sure I could forgive if he continued to want to see her and force you to be around her when you are uncomfortable.

I’m not one for ultimatums but he needs to side with you on this one and create boundaries and make sure you’re comfortable with their friendship, since he is choosing to continue one with her.

Then again maybe I’m not much help when I say that I would personally rather be there if they were to hang out then for them to be alone together but that’s why this is a sticky situation. I would absolutely tell your SO how you feel and let him know that you are still uncomfortable, and then go from there. 

Post # 4
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

My DH has majority female friends and the majority of my friends are male, however, neither one of us has ever been flirty with these people during the course of our relationship. It’s one thing for DH to comment on a close friends selfie and tell her she looks beautiful or he likes the new way she’s cutting her hair. I actually appriciate this because I think its important to build up women and make them feel loved and important because they are friends and thats what friends should do for one another. I know some people might not be comfortable with that but I know it comes from a place of caring and wanting to make them feel good (and I should note he gives compliments to his male friends in the same manner) not from a place of romantic attraction. But it would be another thing for him to make sexually explicit comments to a female friend and that wouldn’t fly.

I think as long as you aren’t trying to ban his friendship that you don’t have anything to apologize or feel guilty about. He made a mistake and he has corrected it from what you are saying, so I don’t feel like he should have to dissolve a friendship over it but I also think your feelings are valid and I don’t think you should have to be around someone if it makes you uncomfortable. 

ETA: The more I think about this, I think the more it depends on what the content of the messages was. If they were super sexual and like “You’re so hot! I wanna get it on with you!” then i’m not sure how I would feel about them continuing their friendship. If it was more like “You know I have always thought you were pretty.” I might not find as big of a deal and be okay with the friendship as long as respect was being shown to me from there on out. Idk, tough situation.

Post # 5
Member
2091 posts
Buzzing bee

Girl no. Stop apologizing for your totally justified feelings. Most people in your situation would feel the exact same way, if not worse! – and there’s no reason to feel abd for not being a “cool girl.” I would not be ok with any of this. It was a betrayal as pp said for him to send sexy texts to her while he was wth you. It’s a form of emotional cheating.

“Honestly it sort of changed the way I view their relationship.”

Uh, I’m sure it did – how could it not?? Honestly it would have changed the way I saw our relationship if my partner did this sort of thing.

As for the current conundrum, I dunno what to say – but I kinda think you can’t see the forest for the trees. This is just one specific event. Should you go, should you not go, I don’t know, I’m not sure it really matters…the bigger issue is repairing the trust between you and your SO. For me, I prob wouldn’t be comfortable with him having any relationship with her whatsoever in light of their shady past and his betrayal. I woud not feel guilty about telling my partner that either.

All I can tell you is that you are 100% justified in how you feel and you need to stop apologizing for it. Own it. Listen to your gut here. 

Post # 7
Member
1077 posts
Bumble bee

I would be uncomfortable as well. What did the messages say?

Post # 9
Member
4090 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016 - Lola's Trailer Park

mingogo4 :  Okay, yeah, no. That wouldn’t fly with me at all and he wouldn’t be spending any alone time with her.

Post # 10
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

Okay those comments are way off base. I would not feel happy if my FI spoke to another person like that. I would feel crushed. 

Post # 11
Member
784 posts
Busy bee

mingogo4 :  UHM if my SO told another woman, that he used to sleep with, that given the chance he would do it again, even going so far as to give specific body parts he enjoyed… I would end the relationship. That might make me extreme, but IDGAF. I’m too old and done this shit too long to try and repair a morality valve in my life partner.There’s no planet or realm of the universe where my SO would think for a nanosecond that I would be ok with that, and YOU shouldn’t apoogize for this!!

It is totally inappropriate.

Post # 12
Member
7939 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Sorry, but I think you were  totally justified to feel this way. His comments were consistent with someone in an emotional affair. Actions have consequences and it would be perfectly understandable if you are not OK with him spending alone time with her. I don’t necessarily buy his excuses and justifications, that it meant nothing to him, either. 

IMO this would either be together with you or not at all. And if you aren’t comfortable with it, then guess what? It’s not at all. 

Post # 14
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

mingogo4 :  I’m going to go as far as to say I would seriously re-think the relationship with him. He said he was sorry and it was just because that’s how he normally communicates with her is a lame excuse! He knows better!! 

 

And in trying to put myself in HER situation and I’m still iffy about it. Why would she wanna be around a man who is in a serious relationship with another woman who sends her messages like that? 

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