Post # 1
So my fiance and I filled out an inventory for premaritial counseling and later he brought up one of the questions: My partner is the only person with whom I could have a happy marriage. Your supposed to then agree or disagree. I agreed and he disagreed. He explained in a round about way that basically he doesn’t believe in a soul mates or “the one” and that there are other people out there that he could be happy with. While this wasn’t my favorite thing to hear I understood his thoughts and knew what he meant. But then….he continued on “I mean there is probably someone else out there just like you…”
=( That really hurt my feelings. I believe I am unique and there is no one else like me because no 2 people are the same. Maybe they have similar qualities or similar backgrounds but thats it. The fact that he said that makes me feel he doesn’t think I am unique/special to him. He never made me feel any better about it after I told him it upset me, he just said I was being negative. I would have liked to here something like.. “there may be others but I am happy with you and so glad we are together” or “I chose you and will continue to choose to be with you because …blah blah blah, despite the fact that there are others that may be out there.”
Am I wrong to be so upset and offended by what he said? Am I overreacting or would you be hurt by that too? Please help me be real about this!
Post # 3
I think you’re overreacting just a little. This is something you do need to talk about – because those are two different views on life and love that should be talked about before you get married. But I doubt that simply because he does not belive in soulmates that you are one iota less special and unique to him! .
Post # 4
I would be hurt too. But I understand his point too. No, I don’t think that there are any 2 people who are just a like. But I do that people can be VERY similar. I had a friend and we were EXACTLY a like, except in tiny areas. So I understand his thoughts on it (even if i agree or not) but I would have been hurt too.
Post # 5
I understand that you are upset but at the same time i don’t think you should drag it out!
Lot’s of people don’t believe in soul mates and what he said makes a lot of sense to me as I feel the same way!
I think you are reading into what he said a little too much; however, I like verbal affirmation as well and so I would ask him what made him choose you over keeping looking for someone else to marry and I sure he will give you the answer that you are looking for to make you feel better!
Post # 6
I would probably be upset as well…but then I would ask him what he meant by “just like me”. Could it be that he meant the same likes/dislikes, etc and not the essence of you?
I ask b/c while I believe in soul mates and think that my FI is mine, I also believe that I could be happy with someone else too. Maybe not AS happy…but I wouldn’t miss what I never had.
Is it possible that this is what he meant? In any case, if you think it’s going to be an issue for you…then ask him about it and get to the bottom of it.
Post # 7
I get why you’re upset but at the same time I get what he’s saying. If he never actually knew you, well, it makes sense he might actually find someone just like you and be just as happy. It’s one of those big questions in life–if XYZ didn’t happen, what would your life be like? You simply never know!
And, i think more women tend to believe in the “soulmate” concept than men. It’s a romantic, swoony type of notion, right?
He could easily mean that he’d date girls just like you…that he loves your personality and is drawn to you because of that, so he could see himself with “you” in another parallel of life.
Just because we’d like to hear something said one way doesn’t mean he necessarily meant it negatively. Maybe the words were just a poor choice and you’re reading into them wrong (which I personally think is the case. I know sometimes i say things that sound really mean but DH is liek “what?” and i’ll explain and he’ll say “man that came out wrong!” it happens), so if it truly bothers you, ask him about it. Communication is key in a relationship. Don’t let it fester
Post # 8
I would be hurt too, but I honestly don’t think he meant to say it in such a lacksadaisical way to intend to hurt you. Remember, females and males do think and process things in different ways. It goes back to that ‘what he said, what she heard’ argument. Maybe he meant that there is probably someone out there just like you (but you’re the one he wants to spend his life with). If it really bothers you, I would just casually and playfully one day ask him what it is about you that he can’t live without and you tell him yours as well.
Post # 9
Thanks girls for all of your responses. It makes me feel better to hear your opinions. I’m gonna let it slide but maybe like hunnybear said to find out what it is about me that he can’t live without and maybe that will make me feel better.
Post # 10
Just for example’s sake- if, heaven forbid- your Fi died, do you think that you could never find love again? I really think that there are multiple people that we could really be happy with- not in the exact same way of course. But there are lot of widowers, 2nd marriages etc. that are truly happy.