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I would try to choose someone else. There is something about having a bridesmaid that isn't exactly trustworthy (trust me, I know from experience) that will make things so much harder. The fact that she doesn't even want to go out to eat with you doesn't really seem like the sort of person that you want at your wedding. People probably won't be looking at her much anyway. I hope you can get things settled with or without her!
I agreee i have bm like that and it had only caused tons of trouble and anguish she too was my friend for 15 years go figure! Hugs!
Who makes a sour face at being asked to be a BM? Even if you don't want to, you'd at least try to look regretful and give a plausible excuse. Especially if she knew it was coming. The fact that she reacted in such a strange way seems very odd to me.
If you want a graceful way to opt out, you can always point out that she hasn't responded and say "Look, I know you had some hesitations about this, and you being out of touch about something this important makes me think you're still uncertain. For your sake, I want you to come and have a blast as a guest, and not stress out about being a bridesmaid."
There are a lot of people that just hate being bridesmaids. It's pretty expensive, and can take up a lot of time, plus you're up in front of all those people. I'd say talk to her about it one more time, just to find out yes or no, but let her know that it's absolutely no problem if she doesn't want do be a BM.
I sort of agree with Johnsbride. I'm not trying to be rude, and this is not a reflection on your wedding (or anyones wedding in particular...) but being a bridesmaid can be a huge expense. I was a MOH once in college and it cost me almost a thousand dollars. I HATE BEING IN WEDDINGS. It has absolutely nothing to do with the bride. I'm just kind of a loner, and its like "Please buy this dress, and do your hair this way, and wear these shoes, and be avaliable for this date, etc etc etc"
That may sound selfish, and maybe it is, but to me, being asked to be in a wedding would make me want to run for cover-- not a "huge honor" to me at all. I would much rather buy them a nice gift and be able to attend their wedding as a guest, not as an attendant. Maybe your friend feels this way also. In which case, she will probably be a crappy bridesmaid (I'm sure I am....)
Maybe just let her bow out gracefully and ask someone else? You shouldn't have to force her into being in your wedding. Whether or not it is a huge honor to be asked to be in a wedding varies from person to person I suppose. For me, it's just kind of a pain.
that's a tricky one. obviously she isn't in to the idea, which begs the question: do you want to guilt her in to being a BM only to have her potentially be snarky about it the whole time/let you down in terms of BM duties? it's up to you but i would consider asking her for some honesty, and saying you'd rather just know if she isn't interested.
I'm curious as to why you wanted so much to ask her. You say her friendship is important, but she's not acting like a very good friend. She sent you a pretty clear message, what with avoiding you & so on, even when she knew what you'd be asking her. You had to corner her just to get her to talk. Her response to your request ("What about me?!") says that she looks at being in the wedding not in terms of its value to you, but in terms of how it affects her. And you asked her anyway? I guess there were other positive things about the friendship...?
I would just be honest and tell her that it doesn't seem like she wants to be a bridesmaid. Then you can say, "hey, if you don't want to do it, it's no problem." I would apologize for cornering her -- tell her that in your enthusiasm, you missed all her signals. Hopefully both of you will be relieved.
I know there are a lot of people on this website that would say "You shouldn't disinvite her." However, I think this girl just said yes because she felt on the spot--and I would tell her you did some thinking after her reaction to it, and you decided since she would feel really uncomfortable, you'd really like for her to just attend as a guest, or something of that nature. It's just plain impolite for her to avoid you, and while it may hurt the friendship, it seems like there isn't much of one now anyways.
She's not interested, she just isn't being blunt about it. Ask someone else.
yeah, I agree - give her another chance at an 'out' - she doesn't seem to be into being a BM, despite your friendship, and it sounds like she'll just cause you stress anyway in the long run.
I understand her reaction- I absolutely do not want to be a bridesmaid to anyone other than my sister, and the only reason I'm accepting the matron of honor position with her is because I can wear and do what I want, and her maid of honor is handling most everything else. I H A T E the idea of being in front of all of those people, I hate the idea of someone dictating what I should wear! I don't care how close I am to you, I don't want to wear a strapless bright green dress on your wedding day so I can stand up there with 8 other girls and look like a lime popsicle. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends, but they understand who I am and know well enough by now that all of the warnings since high school about brides-maid-sems are true with me hah. Some people get really excited about it, I do not. I'll throw you a party, I'll make your food, I'll organize whatever you want me to organize, hell I'll drive across the world to find you the perfect pair of shoes for your wedding day, but I really prefer not to stand in front of a crowd in your dress selection and pose for pictures.
It sounds like she's not interested...you shouldn't be either. Choose someone else, I say.
Since you asked her, I think you should at least give her what's on your mind, before letting her go. As some others have suggested, check in with her to see if she still wants to do it. I know she's dodging you. But even if you have to leave a message saying, "Hey, I'm having a hard time getting a hole of you. I want to talk about some wedding details. If you feel like you want to change your mind about being in the wedding, I understand. But I'd still love to have you if want to do it. I just need to be able to talk to you, soon." Then you can maybe have a heart to heart about some of the stuff that's been going on. Her weird response when you asked her, sounded kind of like awkward nervousness. I don't know how else to explain it. I menathe part about not thinkng you actually liked her... Maybe ther is something you need to get to the bottom of there.
As for her being jealous of you. Could be. Sometimes jealous gals are hard to get ahold of etc. But I'd try to avoid jumping to that conclusion yet. Too much weird stuff to know exactly what her deal is...
Ill be the first to tell you right now, If you can't track her down NOW, wait a year and see what happens.. It will be almost like she never exsisted. Thats EXACTLY how one of my BM's were and then 2 months til she quits on me.. She has been my bridesmaid officially for about 6 months now, and then she just up and quits almost last second. SOOO, I had to ask another close friend to be my BM, which sucks because you make the other one feel like they are second rate... ANYWAY, to the point... If she does it now, she'll do it then. My advice to you: Don't pick your wedding party until almost last second. I know its tempting to go ahead and pick out who you want, but, time changes people, and the people you thought were your friends, sometimes arent when you need them the most..I would consider this to be one of those times. GOOD LUCK!
Also, As the previous poster said "ask her about it"... Sometimes this is good, sometimes this is bad.. I was having problems with my Ex MOH and I tried talking to her about it, and she would say everything was fine, so you've really got to be cautious to make sure they're sincere. Ive had a lot of BM and MOH trouble, so I know the crazy stuff friends can do in this situation. :/
Can you send her an email so that she can figure out her response and not be so on the spot? My hunch is telling me she is not interested, and YOU DESERVE A GOOD BRIDESMAID WHO WILL BE HONORED AND HAPPY!
Loose her... she doesn't really want to be your BM. Her initial response and the fact that you had to "corner" her is not a good sign of whats to come as it gets closer to the time of the wedding. A "friend = some one who loves & supports you" and would NOT treat you that way. There is a reason for her behavior... but that may not be something you necessarily want to get in too right now with the upcoming wedding and all.
If you no longer want her to be front-and-center... do give her the respect of letting her know that you've had a change of heart about her being a BM and that it was based on her response and how it made you feel.
Be aware of your instincts during this entire process -they're usually right on. Best wishes!
i say lose her too. it'll save you both some heartache.
if she was already avoiding you when she expected you to ask, i don't see how it can get any better.
i'm sorry :(
dear oh dear - well she is not being very nice is she?? Anyone would be delighted to be asked - you are right - it is indeed an honour.
A couple of years ago I was asked to be bridesmaid for a friend of mine. Actually she was a work colleague really - but we were quite friendly. I was quite taken aback when she asked me, but I would not dare "make a face" , so I accepted and told her I would be delighted to do it. I did all the bridesmaid things with her and for her, and although my heart was not in it as much as it would have been for one of my close close friends, I was still honoured to be asked.
My two close friends have got married since and neither asked me to be bridesmaid
Boo Hoo!!
good luck with her whatever you decide to do but remember its your day!!!!
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Hi all,
I was hoping someone could give me some advice on this matter. I've read a bunch of posts about snarkiness from bridesmaids/MOH's, etc. My situation is a tad different and was hoping to find out what the next step is.
I was trying to get together with my friend of 15 years to ask her if she would be my bridesmaid. She kept asking why I wanted to meet for lunch with her and that she was pretty sure she knew why. Finally after a month of trying to get her "pinned down", I cornered her at my birthday party, (awful, I know), and asked her to be my bridesmaid; to which she made a very unpleasant face.
When I snapped out of my shock, I said quietly, "You don't have to be... I just wanted you to be because our friendship is special to me". To which she responded, "I don't want all those people watching me".
That is all fine and dandy - Trust me, I'm the first to be nervous about being in front of a lot of people. That is understandable. But then she went into a whirlwind of "I thought you didn't like me.. Ha ha, just kidding. Well actually, now that I think about it, it seems kind of true." After questioning her, she didn't really have a reason on why she thought I didn't like her, but I apologized for whatever I did that gave her that impression. Then she said she would be a bridesmaid.
(I'm confused... I thought this was a HUGE honor, especially since I'm only having her and my MOH with me).
I asked her a few weeks later if she would be available on the 7th of next year for the actual date, and she hasn't answered. It's really hard to get her to respond to much these days and frankly, I'm getting annoyed. If she's like this now, what will it be like next year? I can't handle having to chase her down. If she doesn't want to be a bridesmaid, then she doesn't have to be. And I can't handle the immaturity. It's ridiculous and honestly, now I'm regretting even asking her. It's bringing so much negativity into the relationship. I'm wondering if she's jealous of my MOH since we haven't been friends as long, or if it's the fact that I'm getting married before her. I tend to not have many female friends becuase there's always some sort of jealousy/pettiness involved and I don't have time to deal with that.
I'm not sure what to do now. I asked to take her to lunch and talk, but she won't go. She hasn't even asked to see the ring. Should I just give her an ultimatum to make a final decision? I feel like she regrets saying yes and honestly, if she can't be there to support me on this important step in my life, I don't want her there.
Help!