- 3 years ago
- Wedding: May 2012
Hi bees, please help resolve the following dilemma. My husband and I kept our own accounts on getting married (we are in our 30s), but we added each other to them so we can access if needed. That said, although our accounts are technically separate, we talk through our purchases with the other and share any financial information, volunteering information if appropriate. With that for background, I will try to present the debate, but feel free to ask follow up questions:
After I bought a groupon last night for laser hair removal on my legs (mentioned/discussed in advance – not that it was a surprise purchase), my husband told me he thought it was hypocritical of me to spend money on myself but get upset that he spent money on two recent bachelor parties.
His perspective: He doesn’t spend much money on himself such as an expensive BMW like other guys might buy. We have plenty of savings and can afford it. If we had 3 kids and I was a stay at home mom and we couldn’t afford it, he wouldn’t go, but we don’t. These trips are rare one-time events for his friends. He never tells me no for anything I want to spend my money on (he feels I am careful with money). It’s the exact same thing to spend money on a trip in this way as for me to spend it on myself for the groupon.
My perspective: I was upset about the trips because they were not just money – he took five days off from work in addition to the weekends. That’s time I’m not spending with him for the weekend (at a time when he had a lot of work travel not to mention the weddings themselves to fly to) and vacation time that is gone in addition to the money, which is over 5 times what I spent. (Not to mention, I will be able to save some money/recoup it over time by not needing to buy many razors in the future.) I personally think his fraternity brothers are not particularly thoughtful by asking him to spend over a thousand each on a trip between flights/hotels/dinners/entertainment/paying for the groom/etc, his attendance is expected and he “can’t” refuse, and the culture is such he can’t/won’t even ask them to tone the trip down. Prior to joining the bee and his friends, I had never heard of multi-day out of state bachelor party extravaganzas. While they may only be one trip per friend, the trips themselves aren’t rare for him – he had two last year, and I anticipate two more this year. For many reasons, we still haven’t taken our honeymoon and initially he didn’t want to spend much money on it because of finances (now he’s ok with it) but he didn’t question spending on this – it’s the third rail. Finally, if he didn’t want me to spend the money, he could have said so beforehand and I wouldn’t (I even offered to cancel the transaction then and almost did so despite him saying not to), whereas I felt I got no say with the trips it was all fait accompli and he wouldn’t suggest changing anything about it to his friends. Some in the group have *very* well-paying finance jobs, but others might feel the same as him if someone else would just speak up first.
Note: He’s not accustomed to me spending much money on myself as many women do on things like waxing (never done it), mani/pedis (bought 7 in my life, 6 related to weddings), oodles of clothes, makeup, accessories etc. About all I do is go 2-4 times a year to get my hair cut and highlighted, but I go near my parents where I pay about half what I would where we live. But that’s about it on primping and pampering, in fact I bought him a massage last year, and none for me.
So. Was he right, am I being hypocritical? Or am I right and these are different situations?