Post # 1
Mother in law can be a very difficult person. Not necessarily to my face, but the things said behind my back, etc. Father in law is pretty bad too. It has been ongoing for years and it is only getting worse. Truth is: I’m just over it. I don’t want to bad mouth them and, honestly, I don’t even really want to discuss them anymore. They have caused major drama over almost every holiday including this last thanksgiving.
This thanksgiving was spent with my parents and the understanding betwee hubby and I was was that Christmas eve and Christmas day would be spent with the in laws. However, after this last bit of drama, I only want to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with the in laws. I do not want to spend a day more than that at their house. I just feel horribly uncomfortable given the things they say about me and my parents behind our backs.
Hubby and I are going up north for two weeks for Christmas break starting in mid to late december. We were originally going to spend all of the time together, half at his parents house and half at my parents house and we were going to spend Christmas eve and Christmas day itself at his parents house. Last night I asked him if it was ok if I spent the majority of my time with my parents and just went to his parents house on Christmas Eve and Christmas day. I told him that he could spend some of the break alone with his parents while I was at my parents house, but that I really don’t want to be around them at all and, if I must be around them, I only want to do so for a couple of days. He said that he thought it would “set a bad precedent.” What do bees think? Is it ok for us to spend part of the break apart at our respective parents homes provided that we spend the actual christmas holiday together?
Post # 3
I think it’s very odd that as a married couple you would spend any part of the holiday separate.
When you get married, it ceases to be ‘his family’ and ‘your family’. The two of you are your OWN family and you should be together, no matter where you are.
I would be concerned if my husband was allowing his family to disparage me or my family in front of us. If your husband hears talk like that coming from his own family, he needs to step up, be a man, and shut that shit down immediately.
It’s his job to let his parents know that YOU are his family now, and that disrespect to you is disrespect to him, and won’t be tolerated.
Post # 4
@rachelmichelle: thanks he stands up to them, but it doesn’t seem to get better. I’m just so over it. I guess that I might just have to spend a week with them over the holidays. Dear god it will be painful.
Post # 5
@carolsdaughter: Maybe your FI should just spend most of the holiday at your family’s place with you instead? And then you guys could go visit his family on Christmas Eve/Christmas Day.
Maybe once his parents figure out that he’s not gonna put up with their crap, and if they want to see their son much, they’ll learn to shut their mouths.
Post # 6
First of all if you have issue of disrespect you need to work with your inlaws it should be done so everyone can enjoy the hollidays. Are you relaying on second hand information(may be wrong but based on what you said) not right now but if they are doing things that are blatenetly rude then it needs to address and boundaries need to be set on all sides.
Again if it’s impression you get and she nice to your face, while the situation isn’t ideal, I would just be nice to their face and limit contact on non holidays rather then get into an out fight. If she is being cordial and respectful in person no matter how hypocritical you may think it is, I think it’s better then to be feuding.
Third I think it’s unfair to your husband to flip the script like that, you agreed to something, and if his parents are nice to your face and not hostile I think for him you should make an effort. Even if you he loves your parents he probably prefers to be with his family members. When we get married it’s a sacrifice we make as couples to spend time together. I think go this year. Next you guy can set limits on how many days you spend there. You can also take breaks. So like on the 26 go for a walk, go to lunch, or the movies. So you get out of the house for a few hours.
Post # 7
@TwoCityBride: They are nice to my face and then they call and yell at him about me. This holiday it was decided (between hubby and I) that Thanksgiving would be spend with my parents and Christmas would be spent with them. MIL called him yelling how this was unfair, would not speak to him on Thanksgiving day, and, according to BIL and his cousin, told the entire Thanksgiving table that I was “stealing him away” and “wouldn’t let him spend him spend the day with his family.” Yes, she is nice to me to my face. She is nice to my parents to my face. But then she, apparently, says these awful things to hubby and hubby’s other family members. over and over and over again. The whole thing is just so fake and underhanded. I’m really at the end of my rope. I just don’t even want to be in the same room as her. I agree, it is unfair to flip the script, I just honestly don’t know how much more I can take. She has had me in tears for two out of the four last major holidays. It’s just getting so very old.
Post # 8
@carolsdaughter: I think this situation is a fantastic opportunity for you; as hard as that is to imagine. We are always going to have people in our lives that behave in awful and disrespectful ways. I speak from experience when I say that you can change how you deal with them just by making small mental/internal changes to yourself.
When you accept and make peace with the fact that they are hideous people and you decide not to take their awful remarks personally anymore you will be able to cope with anything they throw at you.
And more importantly, bide your time because people like this self destruct without any help from anyone around them. You be the bigger person and rise above them.
Go with your husband to their house for the holidays, don’t allow them to seperate you both – that is probably exactly what they want.
Post # 9
@smileyme: It’s def. challenging me as an individual. I fully admit I was responding to her by making catty comments to hubby and my friends for awhile and I really have been able to stop it…at least for the last couple of months. Now I just want to avoid them entirely. I dont really want to speak about them (with the exception of this thread where I am asking for advice) and I really just want to have as little contact as humanly possible. I was hoping that I could avoid them and still let hubby spend time with them since I really don’t want to keep them from their son. I guess this isn’t an option and that I have to be there with him.
Post # 10
There is always an option, and those suggesting to be the bigger person must be nicer than I am. I put up with my IL’s for 10 years of similar ‘torture’ but finally had enough and refused to go to anything at their home. My husband was welcome to go without me, and he tried it a few times, taking our kids along. He came back miserable every time, and finally decided to stop going to see them altogether, as it became really uncomfortable for him as well.
How many years is really enough anyway? 10? 20? I had my limit, and knowing things would never change, threw in the towel. We all survived and were happier for it.
Post # 11
@carolsdaughter: Sorry but I think you need to keep your end of the bargain now. You said it would be Thankgiving with your parents and Xmas (mainly) with his, so now you should follow through and do that. Otherwise there’s evem more fuel for them to gossip. And don’t split up either, I think you should do all visits as a couple.
Yes Christmas is sometimes hard on me too (my parents are divorced so there are 3 visits to do). But I just figure that’s how life is, and then we have a big relax after!