Post # 1
I’m an only child and it’s just been understood since I was little that my parents would pay for at least part of my wedding. I distinctly remember my parents telling me that there was $10K put aside for my wedding and anything on top of that we could discuss.
About three years ago, my parents split up after being together for over 30 years. Neither of them are in great shape financially anymore.
Fiance and I got engaged last weekend and both my parents are thrilled for us. However, there is absolutely no talk of helping us pay for the wedding. I’m fairly certain that my ‘wedding fund’ was used to get them both through the first few years of being on their own.
We are both older (I’m 31, he’s 37) and have good jobs and we each own our own homes. We don’t NEED the money from my parents to pay for this wedding. I’m sad though that they’re not helping out – I know this will sound spoiled or entitled, but it almost feels like they spent ‘my’ money cause they couldn’t get their lives together. Or somehow, cause their marriage didn’t work out, they don’t want to contribute to mine.
Like I said, we don’t need their money, but it makes me sad.
Post # 3
Hopefully, even if there isn’t $10k available for you, they will gift you something. My parents are no longer in a position to help the way they might have 10 years ago, but I appreciate that they are gifting what they can afford.
Post # 4
I saw that your other post on this topic didn’t get a lot of responses. If you don’t mind, would you in the future please “bump” your previous thread for more responses. It would really help the mod team keep the boards from getting cluttered with duplicate posts. Thanks.
Post # 5
I’m sorry you feel sad over this, but I see absolutely no reason to be sad about it. And I’m sorry, but it does sound spoiled and entitled. I mean, if your parents had a tough split and needed the money to get on their feet, did you really expect them to not use it “your money” so that they could get by and get their lives back together as you said and throw you a party instead?
Post # 6
I think it’s just a fact of life that financial situations change over time. While they may still want to help you, things have changed pretty drastical. I’m sure you know that divorce is super expensive, so it probably was impossible for them to make it through without using that money.
Also, given your age and the fact that you can afford to take care of yourself, they may not feel that you “need” money for a wedding.
Post # 7
I’m in a very similar situation. My parents got divorced, their was a failed business and they can’t really contribute to my wedding.
It took us months for Fiance parents and my parents to figure out what they could contribute, and yes, it is frusterating.
However, I do think you sound kind of spoiled. Your parents, I’m sure, would love to provide for you, but divorces are expensive and it’s scary to be older and on your own like that. Also, it’s not “your” money. It was and is their money and if they gave you any of it, it would be because they wanted to, not because you were entitled to it. Be lucky that you don’t need the money and move on…or, ask them outright if they can afford to give you any. Either way, there is nothing set in stone saying parents need to provide for this expenditure.
Post # 8
I understand your frustration, but it really wasn’t “your money”. It was a savings that they had with an earmark for your wedding. Other issues came up and they needed to spend it.
I would be upset if my parents had kept telling me AFTER I got engaged about a certain amount to be contributed, then pulled away after plans were set.
Post # 9
We’re both 30 and feel that it’s our responsiblity to pay for the wedding. We’re older, both have our careers going and are financially sound to support ourselves. I’m not sure if, or how much our parents would even be able to help out since my parents are not in a financial situation to help.
I understand you’re let down that the 10K is gone now, but at the same time it did help you’re parents in a situation where it was actually needed-not just to celebrate one day.
Post # 10
Okay, that came out wrong. I’m sad about the reason they’re not helping. I guess now that I’m engaged, all the little girl fantasies about how I thought my wedding would go (including an in tact family that can actually stand to be in the same room together) are going out the window. The money is just part of it..
Post # 11
I totally feel your pain! My Parents have done the same thing to me twice now.
The first time i had just started nursing school (paid the first year myself with a student loan) and made it through with a 90% average. They pulled the rug out from under me and told me that they would not be able to co-sign on a loan afterall for the remaining years (after i had already sunk 20k into school). This was because my step-mom decided she wanted to quit her job and go back to school.
They had also promised me and Fi $5000 toward our wedding/home downpayment when we got engaged in 2010. Then after wedding plans were progressing they now wont be able to commit to that much anymore.
I am extreemly frustrated and i know that circumstances change, but i just wish they would stop making promises they cant keep.
I feel your frustration!
Post # 12
- Wedding: June 2012 - Pippin Hill Farm & Vineyards
There’s a point in adulthood when roles start reversing. You start to feel as though it’s your job to take care of your parents. It happened for me around your age and I stopped wanting my parents to spend money on me. I want them to take care of themselves and have what they need for their retirement.
You feel how you feel…but you can change your thinking a little bit on this one.
Post # 13
Yup, it’s a sad situation. I’m sure your parents didn’t envision being divorced someday when they watched their daughter get married. I’m sure there is nothing more they’d like to do than be able to contribute to your day. I’m sure the real problem isn’t the money, it’s just what you’re focusing on now because it’s easier emotionally to feel disappointment about that situation than deal with the messy emotions of celebrating your union when you feel sad that your parent’s has not worked out. I’m sorry your family is going through this, but you will be able to create a beautiful wedding, even if it’s not the one you originally hoped for.
Post # 14
@KatyElle: A very good perspective.
Post # 15
@KatyElle: best response by far
Post # 16
@KatyElle: Yes, that’s exactly it! Thank you for phrasing it so much better than I did!