(Closed) Spent too much, cared too little – Bday and e-ring sad-face

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
461 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I’m sorry, I don’t have any advice, but we are birthday twins! Happy Belated!

Post # 4
Member
3539 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I would exchange it..Get him a card, or  write him a letter, say that your sorry that you felt it didnt give it the excitement it deserved and explain you told us why… in nicer terms of course.

If you dont communicate now on how you feel, how much harder would it feel to communicate later on?

He will understand, might be a litte upset but at least its out in the open.

P.s also congrats on being finiancially in a better spot!

 

Post # 5
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Since you know that your FI isn’t a good gift giver.  Maybe in the future, you could do something that takes the pressure of him and you know you’ll enjoy.  Planning a weekend trip, for example.  Or, you could shop with him and give him two or three ideas of things you like.  Then he knows what to get you.  I guess, if you’ve figured out that he’s not a good gift giver the best you can do is work with him on it and help him out.

As for your ring…. if you’d like a bigger diamond, could you get one now that you have more money? Or, it could be something you do for your one year anniversary.

Post # 6
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

Hi! πŸ™‚  I just went back in the threads and read your original financial post, and todays.  First off, congratulations on getting back on track!!!  I was very similar to you about 3 years ago.  My credit card balance was so high that I was drowning, and the thing was, I was too embarrassed to ask for help!  Finally, one of my good friends, whose dad is a financial advisor, forced me to go see him.  I cried (out of embarrassment, frustration) and he helped me put things back together.  Today, my credit card debt is gone and I am so much more financially stable!  It is the BEST feeling, and I vowed never to let myself get back to that place again! πŸ™‚  I am so happy for you that it is working out!

 

Now, my advice about the watch situation.  You said you’ve talked to him, but do it again.  Or, write a letter like ccranetobe said.  You need to explain to him that a flashy watch and diamond earrings picked out an hour before your bday are not what you are looking for.  Explain to him that you are so happy that you two are working on your finances, and that a flashy watch doesn’t help your situation.  Then, I would make sure that before every birthday or holiday, your expectations are CLEARLY laid out.  I have to do that with my FI all the time.  Not necessarily tell him what I want (although sometimes…) but tell him how much he should spend (he would spend way more than he should, so I set a lower limit) and what TYPE of gift I would want, ie, not jewelry, but I am in desperate need of a new coat, or something like that.  

It sounds like your FI is the kind of guy who needs these types of things “spelled out” for him.  And that’s okay.  Some guys are good at gift getting and money spending, and some need help.  You just need to know that yours isn’t great in this area, so you need to communicate with him your wants and needs before EVERY gift-giving event.

For now, I would talk to him about how you LOVE the thought of him getting you something with bling, but that it’s just not something you will use enough and that you’d like to exchange it for something more useful.  

As for upgrading your ring…you should wait.  I know you have come into some more money, but save it for when another financial disaster strikes, or for when your furnace breaks, or you get a speeding ticket.  You can put away some savings, a little each month, to upgrade your ring in a few (years/months/whatever depending on your $ situation). 

 

And that’s how teacherbride…..C’s it! πŸ™‚

Post # 7
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

My FI is horrible with gifts.  THis is what I do so that I never have to live through this sort of experience (again).  First, I write him a list of things I would like (with weblinks).  The list has a variety of prices, a variety of things: if he wants to buy me a necklace? Here ya go. Oh, this birthday he’s interested in something practical? This is the pan I want.  And then I also put a price cap for him.  Because after my first year of attempting this he went out and bought EVERYTHING ON MY LIST.  Stupid mofo, would be fine if he was rich.. but he is not.  I ended up returning most of the stuff and then I learned my lesson: PRICE CAP, doofus.

The fact that this is necessary does make me a little sad because I believe in putting thoughts into gifts – but I know he doesn’t think birthdays are important, it’s just how he was raised.  Our new way ensures that I get a gift I want, that he doesn’t over spend and he still gets to make ‘choices’. It’s working for us now!

Post # 8
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@sahsabahs – LOL my FI did that this Christmas!  I gave him a list of potential gifts…and he bought ALL.OF.THEM.  Put it right on the credit card!  DOOFUS is right!!!!!!  Some men just need things s-p-e-l-l-e-d out to the point where it sounds ridiculous, but they totally need it!!!!

Post # 9
Member
583 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I agree with the above people about not upgrading the ring now. For now, concentrate on getting the perfect wedding band, since you can better afford it now. Upgrade it when you can celebrate getting completely out of debt!

Explain your frustration with his thoughtlessness in the context of The 5 Love Languages. Point out that none of the 5 languages is about throwing cash or expensive presents at someone, lol!

When you talk about taking back the watch, say that you don’t feel comfortable walking around every day with something so valuable on. If it’s as flashy as you say, it might make you a target for someone. (Hope that this doesn’t come up again when you upgrade the ring later on, lol!)

Post # 10
Member
577 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I know that this doesn’t fit the fairytale romantic image of a guy buying presents for his SO, but FI and I have a system for this type of thing: we discuss whether or not we can afford a gift for the upcoming occasion, and if so how much the budget should be.  For his gifts to me, I usually email him a few links of stuff I like (for Vday I wanted yellow gold earrings, so I sent him a few from Blue Nile all in our price range) and then he picks the one he likes.  For him, he likes more surprise activities than physical presents, so I’ll plan a dinner or something like that.  Anyways, it works for us; similar to you guys, I am a planner and he really isn’t so I’ll always bring up the “gifts talk”.  It could be something to think about …

Post # 11
Member
1701 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Maybe you need to read 5 languages again, and make it like a book club with your FI….or if he isn’t into reading that type of thing, explain the book to him and go through an explanation of what each of the 5 things means to you (give examples) and explain what is important to you in this way. 

I haven’t read the book yet, but I found a discussion about the ideas in this book to be the best part of my marriage preparation classes. 

Post # 13
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

WHATTTT YOUR RING IS GORGEOUSSSSSSSSSSSS! πŸ™‚

 

Good luck with talking to your FI…let us know how it goes!  I think you’re doing all the right things! πŸ™‚

Post # 14
Member
164 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

PS.  It just took me 10 years to figure out it’s in a pinecone, hahaha!

Post # 15
Member
687 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

First, your ring is simply beautiful. I’d wear it proudly!

That said, I know how you feel. I actually posted about it. My BF got me a diamond engagement style ring for a “just because I love you” present. He thought it was a good idea, but it wasn’t, so I understand completely feeling guilty for something that is 1. a present, 2. expensive, 3. something that you feel like you should appreciate. It’s hard too knowing that you hurt someone you love by not being excited about their present. I feel you totally.

Like everyone else, I think that you should just talk to him when the emotions are less charged about the gift giving in general, so that you don’t run into these problems in the future. I found that sometimes setting a price limit helps (like, we’ll both spend no more than $60 each on each other for x holiday) and also forces you both to become more creative. Like you said, it’s much eaiser to pick out the biggest flashy thing you can find rather than to look through the tons of less flashy to find the one that will mean the most.

The gift giving talk might also just help you guys talk about budgeting again and how that just because you have extra, unexpected monies doesn’t mean you should spend more. So, I see a lot of ways that this can turn into something positive for you.

As for the guilt, don’t beat yourself up about not being as thrilled as your FI may have hoped. It happens.

 

Post # 16
Member
1154 posts
Bumble bee

Unfortunately nothing is going to convert a bad giftgiver into a good one.  Sigh.

However a need to have the other person make the decisions occasionally and surprise you – not too much to ask, any adult can manage it if they try hard enough.  I think this is bothering you enough that it would be worth talking about, aknowledge that it doesn’t come easily to him, that you won’t ask that he do it often but that you need him to exhibit this effort to “sweat” a bit even if only once a year.  Say it very clearly.  Have him repeat it and paraphrase.  Write it down.  Otherwise high chance of him forgetting it I think.  Not out of any malice or lack of love.  But when trying to teach someone something that is foreign to them and that they don’t want to learn you have to be excruciatingly clear and a repetitive.  

For me, I don’t currently care enough about gifts to mind that FI isn’t very good at it, I see all the other ways he shows caring and I like buying myself things.  If it ever starts hurting me I’ll have to implement the above advice. 

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