- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I haven't been asked when I'm reproducing yet, just told repeatedly that I'll change my mind. It has to be the most grating thing. I generally try to handle it with grace and ignore it but sometimes I've just had enough.
"2) Being told you will change your mind. This is especially annoying for a myriad of reasons:
You've hit the nail on the head.
I'm sure this isn't for all CBCers, but I hate being asked to watch someone's children or hold someone's baby. I'm just not interested and it's so rare that they take your no to mean no...
@Aure: I agree about the babysitting thing. My sister seems to think that because I have no kids, it automatically means that I am available and would WANT to drop everything to watch her kids. Not so much. I like visiting, but not substitute parenting.
For me, the absolute WORST is being told I will 'change my mind'; especially if this is coupled with 'you're young'.
I am 25. I have never wanted children; even as a child I did not like children. I do not want children for a multitude of very good reasons. I have thought long and hard about this. I am with a man who also does not want children. I am about to pursue a PhD and then probably a post-doc, so won't have finished studying until I'm 31/32. I am not going to wake up at 35 and think 'do you know what's missing from my great life? Children. I would really really like to be able to experience sleepless nights, less sick, cleaning up poop and sick, boring my brains out teaching a kid the alphabet, entertaining snotty, bratty, noisy kids at birthday parties, not being able to go on luxury holidays, being comfortable financially...' Nope. Not going to happen. Please just accept that.
I also dislike people asking when we will be having kids. It is rude. My womb and sex life is absolutely none of your business. Would I ask you when you last had sex? Nope. So butt out.
I also hate the 'but you don't know what you're MISSING!'. I am not stupid. I know what having children involves, and I do appreciate that there are some good moments. But for me, these are far outweighed by the bad ones. I don't have rose-tinted glasses like so many people who have children do; I'm aware enough to see the full icture. And it does not appeal.
My other 'favourite' is 'you're selfish'. Yeah, I guess my choice is selfish; and?... Would you rather I had children I don't want? And do these people honestly think having children isn't just as selfish?..
The other one that makes me smile is 'you'll be a good parent'. Yep, I probably would be; I'd be strict, and I'm sure any kids I had would be intelligent, well-adjusted, and certainly not spoilt or bratty like so many children today. But this is not a reason to have them. I'm sure I would be great at water-skiing if I ut in the time, effort, and money; but I have no inclination to take water-skiing up, it does not interest me, I don't want to do it; I feel the same about parenting.
For me it's not any particular comments, it's the bias of the comments. Meaning that people will tell you how happy they are to be parents, how great it is, etc., but no one who regrets it will tell you so. So you get this really skewed perspective, like everyone on earth with kids thinks it was the greatest thing that ever happened to them, when in reality that's probably far from the case.
@Over the Moon: I agree that it's bias and sometimes the tone as well. I just can't stand the finger-wagging "I know better than you" tonethat is used to deliver a lot of these comments.
All 20 somethings - how about when someone says, "oh, wait til you hit 30, then you won't be able to think about anything but babies!". Ummm no. I really don't think that at 30 years old I'll finally "see the light" and want to have a kid. It hasn't happened in 28, I don't see it changing in less than 2 years.
Oh and "but when its your kid, its different." Ok, I can see that. BUT (and this is a huge BUT) I STILL WON'T WANT TO BE AROUND OTHER KIDS!!! So basically you want me to spit out a kid, which will then make me have to spend years of my life with other peoples little creatures? No thanks, I'd rather poke my eye out with a rusty spoon
@Aure: Agreed. I dislike the condescending attitude that some pushy parents have when you break the news you won't be picking up their lifestyle.
It's ok to love your own children, and it's ok for yourself that you changed your mind, but just accept that some people are comfortable on the opposite side of the spectrum, and love them anyway.
Actually I do have a most-hated question: "When are you going to start a family?" It is SO offensive to say that a childless couple is not a family.
@Over the Moon: I will add it to the poll just for you. I don't mind that quetion the first time it is asked, so I didn't think of it.
I hate the very hinting that I am selfish simply because for now we don't want any children. I even had a friend ask me if it is because I "don't want to give up my lifestyle." Is that a bad thing, really?
I love children and I love having them around. I equally love our freedom and the ability to give back those adorable children to their parents. I am not selfish just realistic with my expectations and hopes for our lives right now. Will this change, maybe. That doesn't make me any less of a good person or my FI and I any less of a family simply because we currently are not in the mind set to procreate.
"Oh and "but when its your kid, its different." Ok, I can see that. BUT (and this is a huge BUT) I STILL WON'T WANT TO BE AROUND OTHER KIDS!!! So basically you want me to spit out a kid, which will then make me have to spend years of my life with other peoples little creatures? No thanks, I'd rather poke my eye out with a rusty spoon"
Totally agree. Why do people act as if when you have a child, you live in an insulated bubble where the only child you interact with is your own? I do not doubt that IF I had a child, I would probably love it. But I still would not like other people's. I honestly cannot think of anything worse than going to 'family parties' and 'child-friendly' hotels/restaurants, and hosting children's birthday parties. The thought makes me cringe.
So nope, won't be having any!
Also, the other thing that annoys me is people who say they were CF, but that then they got pregnant and 'changed their mind'. I honestly think that if geting pregnant would make you change your mind, you are probably not truly CF. Because I, and most CFers I know, would simply have an abortion if we got pregnant. At no point would I be thinking 'Oh well, I might as well have it, and hopefully parenthood won't be SO bad..' My reasons and feelings are just too strong.
I'm going to jump in here (uninvited, since I do plan on having kids) and say that ANY time someone calls any of you selfish for not wanting to have children, pleaseohpleaseohplease remind them of modern-day American parents who choose to overpopulate our planet with children that they neglect financially, emotionally, and physically. I'm planning on a strict 2-kid limit because I don't want to be outnumbered by my children and I want to be able to educate them so that they will serve their (our) world well.
CBC-ers (I know some in real life) are some of the most generous, loving people i know. They spend their time doing anything they please, and often it pleases them to make our world a better place.
What, no "all of the above"? Haha.
I voted that "you'll change your mind" is the most offensive one, but "you don't know what you're missing!" is equally irritating. Actually, most CBC-ers know exactly what they're missing and that's why they want to miss it!
@bells219: Thank you so much for accepting our reasoning, and giving us support. This is among many of the reasons why I am choosing to be child free.
It seems so unfair with the amount of neglect going on with such a high population. If one knows one does not have the proper resources to give the babies everything they deserve while maintaining a comfortable lifestyle for the family, there is no way this is selfish to not have kids.
I'm not sure that I can participate as I'm not a commited CBCer yet, as I said in the other thread that DH and I are on the fence but I did want to add another comment that irritates the hell out of me. We have mentioned in passing to our families that we may decide to not have children and we get comments all the time about "our kids" and "pretty soon we'll be shopping at this baby store for you" almost a denial that we may not have kids. Even though we are undecided I still make a point of saying, no probably not when people say things like that. It just frustrates me because it's like my womb is a magic crystal ball that they can predict the future of.
Thanks for your support :-) I have a pretty strict 'no retaliation' policy though; I refuse to get into a debate about my choice, or justify my decision. So if someone called me selfish, I would smile sweetly, say 'You're entitled to your opinion', and then erase them from my life lol.
Can I ask who asks all of these questions and makes these statements?
I am 31 and have been with DH for 6 years and have never heard anything on the poll. In fact its a rare occasion that conversations about kids come up. Than again we do live in NYC where people do not have kids until their 30's or 40's so it's the norm to be child free before than.
@msgraphics: I have had close friends, acquaintenances, family members, and even family members of FRIENDS (not even our family) make these types of comments.
While attending the wedding of my MOH in March the MIL started harping on me asking when my FI and were planning to have kids. When I told her we might not I thought she was going to pass out. Instead she immediately threw in the "you might change your mind" and "you won't know what you are missing" etc etc. This was only the second time I had ever met this woman in my life.
@msgraphics: I have been personally asked all of these questions. Sometimes by family, sometimes by friends.
I had a friend ask me about the house for just 2 people. Family is the biggest culprit in saying I will change my mind, or I will be lonely when I am old.
I admit, the "Why did you get married if you don't want kids" is something I conceptualized, because I can imagine someone in my family saying it eventually. By now most of them know I have health issues preventing babies NOW so they've laid off, butI am treatable and will not be infertile forever.
I've had friends, acquaintances, and family say the following:
'You're unnatural'
'You're selfish'
'You'll change your mind'
'You're too young to know'
'You'd be a good parent'
'No-one will continue your genes'
'You'd love your own child'
'Having children is great'
I could go on lol
These people sound very rude to me. I can only imagine that if they weren't chastising you about children, they would find something else. Personally, I would not be friends with someone who judged me for my decisions and an acquaintance, I would just walk away from. Family is another story, but thats what comebacks are for.
DH and I do plan on having children eventually, but only when we're good and ready. Which means definitely not in the next several years.
Ever since I got married, the thing that's annoying me the most is that my mother wants me to have children...for her benefit. She seems to think that I exist solely to produce a grandchild for her to coo over. She's started making regular comments about pregnancy, PCOS, and grandchildren. I told her we don't plan on having kids for some time, and she made a pouty face and said, "Aw, I'd hoped you would start trying soon!"
Sorry, Mom, my uterus is not an Easy Bake Oven. I'm not just going to pop some baby batter in there and *ding* here's your grandchild, no muss, no fuss, enjoy and then it's gone. I have to take the screaming bundle of joy home and feed it and clean it and care for it. And right now, my life is pretty nice without all that crap, literal and figurative.
Which brings me to another point, my mother couldn't have children, and she had a hysterectomy when I was six years old. While I have the greatest sympathy that she wanted a child but couldn't have one herself, she never had to deal with what pregnancy does to your body. Added to the fact that my parents had a decade to enjoy married life before I came along...yeah, the fact that she keeps harping on me to give her grandchildren when we are not emotionally or financially ready is getting on my last nerve.
I get these comments constantly by family and friends. My pregnant best friend keeps asking me when I am getting pregnant. She asks this as she is yelling at her 3 year old who doesn't listen to her at all and whining about how miserable she is being pregnant. Umm... yeah, that really doesn't make me want them.
All of these are pretty bad. Personally, I hate when people say "It's different when they're yours." How do they know that will be true? Why should someone be pressured into making a decision that doesn't feel right with the hope that they will change their mind once the kid arrives. I know women who are good people but regret becoming mothers.
I especially hate the 'selfish' connotation. Or the look of utter disbelief or disgust at **HORROR** not wanting kids. How could we possibly live WITHOUT kids?? My favorite was during a time when FI and I thought that there was a SLIM possibility that we'd want ONE child later in life (since then we've decided we're most likely CBC). I told FMIL that, because of our careers and FI's course of study in med school, we would probably only have one child, if any at all. She balks and says "oh, you can't just have one child. That's so selfish. I have no respect for people that only have one child. Think of how they'd suffer being the only one to take care of you when you're old. You have to have two". I told her "well, actually I don't HAVE to do anything. I really don't even HAVE to have any children, which is where I'm leaning". It was so unnerving and annoying. Pissed FI waaaaay off. This is also the woman who shouts from the rooftops how amazing her eldest son is (my future husband) and will tell anyone who will listen that she thinks he should specialize in pediatrics. PEDIATRICS. This is a man who, in 26 years, hasn't even held a child. He doesn't even have the desire to try to communicate with the 3 y/o daughter of our neighbors. It's just not who he is. Last time she brought it up I was like, do you even know him? He doesn't like kids. That shut her up. Stop projecting your bullshit on him.
@akp0702: how ignorant!!! Newsflash for you lady, people could have 20 kids, that DOES NOT mean you won't alone when you are old. Having kids to be a potential caregiver could backfire in a huge way, because you have no idea what your kid will turn into as a grown up, or even if they will live or be able to care for as an adult. Hope that comes back to bite some people in the ass
As for your FMIL, seems like you are handling things well. Luckily, the only person who really harped on me having kids, hubs mother (who would ask me every time she saw if I was pregnant, before we were even engaged mind you) is no longer in our lives, so at least that's one less crazy person I have to deal with :)
other -
"Don't you like children?????"
yes, I do. Thanks for asking. I also like tigers. Don't have one of those either.
@MrsSl82be: I really don't look forward to comments in the future. I have since gotten over the comment about the selfishness of only having one kid. But the pediatrics thing REALLY annoyed me for some reason at Christmas. It was like she was trying to assert that she somehow still knows FI better than I do. She definitely does not. She was totally talking out of her ass about something that makes NO sense for the person he is. Sure, he is kind and patient and capable and brilliant, and if he LIKED children he would be a great pediatrician. But he doesn't like kids. Pediatrics wouldn't be a challenge for him and he wouldn't thrive in that specialty. Naturally I know that far better than his mother does, but still, I'm like STOP telling people 'pediatrics'. That is NOT who your son his and you need to just realize that. I can't exactly articulate why, but it just made (makes) me so mad when she says that. I guess it's because she really WANTS him to be the sweet, soft pedatrician who will spend 40 years vaccinating brats and reassuring neurotic parents that a runny nose isn't a death sentence.
The one that takes the cake for me I saw on the bee a few months ago. A bee was posting about an unplanned pregnancy that had resulted in a miscarriage, and posted something to the effect that she was still so shocked from the whole experience that she wasn't really sad about it, just numb and dazed. And another TTC bee jumped all over her and told her she was pretty much a horrible person for saying so because other people try so hard for kids, she can't imagine how she could NOT be sad from losing one. I know which post it is, but I will refrain from linking to it so as not to start drama.
I just thought that was so horrible, to jump on someone and judge them while they were obviously on an emotionall roller coaster.
I haven't really gotten any extremely negative comments yet. When we say or hint that we don't want children, we usually get looks/smiles/or comments like 'well, you have time'. lol Time beforemy womb dries up? Time to figure out how wrong I am? whatever. We're decided.
My mom's reaction was, "What did we do to you to make you not want babies?" lol Well, mom, part of it was probably my sister having 3 kids in a row in her teens/early 20's while being poor as dirt and working a crappy job.
@GroovyHippieChick: Haha, perfect.
@kala_way: "Time before my womb dries up?" Haha! My former boss said that all of the time. He and his wife waited until their mid/late 30s before they had kids so that was his favourite line. "Don't rush, you have plenty of time." Uh, thanks? I'm certainley not rushing, in fact, when you asked me when I was planning on having kids 2 minutes ago I'm pretty sure I said never.
My favourite moment recently was when my OH's colleague started banging on about how he could imagine us with kids in 5 years time, and I was like 'Nope, not going to happen, we don't want children'. So he was like 'Oh, but I can just imagine it; in 5 years time you'll both have good jobs, and be earning loads, so you'll probably have children then". First, I have no idea what planet he is on; my OH doesn't earn a huge amount, and has no desire to get a more stressful, higher-paid job, because it's just not necessary it being just the two of us; and I'm starting a PhD in September, so won't be earning properly until I'm in my 30s, and won't be on a good wage until I'm about 40. Second, what part of 'we dont want children' is so difficult to understand?
Anyhow, he responds to this by saying 'Ok, well maybe 10 years time then'. At which point I say: 'We don't want children. But even if we did want children, in 10 years time I'll be infertile'.
Ahh, the look on his face was a picture..!
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| ndreighton | 11 |
| rivierabridal | 6 |
 turtles73 |
4 |
| jaguar | 3 |
| BMORE SEXI | 3 |
| texasbee | 3 |
| MrsOliveBird | 2 |
| fresitachulita | 2 |
| LauraFaye4411 |
2 |
| csperry2 | 2 |
| User | Posts Today |
|---|---|
| KatNYC2011 | 1 |
This is a spin-off to the CBC lifestyle introductory thread. One non-CBCer asked a compelling question: What seemingly harmless and well intentioned comments or actions get under your skin the most?
Laying out our perspectives in advance might help the "other side" to see why we get so upset, or seem to "snap" at something they think as innocuous. I'll start.
1) That look of pity you get from people when they hear you choose not to seek out parenthood
2) Being told you will change your mind. This is especially annoying for a myriad of reasons:
3) Being told "you don't know what you're missing"
4) Being asked repeatedly when you're going to have a baby, even after you express interest in keeping your family at status quo
Even though some of these things might be coming from a genuine place, it is off putting to hear these things constantly, and to have your character called into question over and over again. Sometimes, we are made to feel like second class citizens for not wanting children, and are even called selfish. This is far from the truth. So if one of us responds a little strongly, please try to understand that we hear these comments repeatedly, and there is only so much societal questioning we can take.
Does anyone want to add to the list?