Post # 1
Reading another thread about this got me thinking about the whole subject. I guess I always thought asking the father’s permission was an old-fashioned thing, and I’ve always been completely against it because I’m not my dad’s property and I’m not going to be FI’s property. Plus my dad and I don’t get along. I also won’t be having my dad “give me away” because I’m not an object to be given away.
Then I saw how many people had their SO ask their father for permission… I guess I never realized how common it is! So now I’m curious. Feel free to completely disagree with me, I really want to hear all sides of this 🙂
ETA: I’m definitely not saying that either way is right or wrong, I guess I just didn’t realize so many people did it 🙂
Post # 3
It seems really old fashioned to me too and I tend to have strong feelings about things like this for myself, but other should choose what is right for them. I have a good relationship with my dad but feel exactly the same way about the whole thing, including “giving me away”. My FI and I actually talked about this before he proposed since we know people who have asked for permission. I told FI that if he asked my father I would tell him no when he asked me since no one speaks for me but myself! I really love my dad, but I’m too much of a feminist to have someone ask for permission to marry me. It’s not like I would ask my FMIL if I could marry my FI either.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t have particularly cared either way. It would have made for a romantic story if he did, but I appreciate that he didn’t feel that it was respecting my independence to do so.
Post # 5
He called my dad as he was buying my ring. I didn’t expect or ask him to, but I think it was really sweet – he told me he was trying to be respectful of my father.
Post # 6
i told FI well ahead of time that I would be mad if he asked, and that was just fine with him. I would feel really strange about it, but if that’s what some people want I think it’s sweet that their FI’s do it for them.
Post # 7
Mine had googled “how to propose” and whatever website he found suggested getting Dads permission. 🙂
He pretended he left his phone at my parents house one night after family dinner and went back in and asked my mom and dad together. They thought it was sweet and funny.
Post # 8
We are not old fashioned or completely traditional but FI asked my dad and I was very happy he did. My dad was impressed and felt he was given some level of respect. I think its cute to know my FI was nervous.
Post # 9
I didnt tell him to … but he did and that makes me happy! 🙂
Post # 10
I didn’t need my FI to ask permission, per se, but I did tell him flat-out at one point that I wanted him to talk to my dad and stepdad and express his intentions to them before making it official with me. And it doesn’t mean I subscribe to some antiquated notion of being my father’s property. I’m quite independent, and my dads and FI are well aware of the fact. Technically, I don’t really understand how a guy asking permission to propose to you is anti-feminist. I understand the conceptual connection to misogynist attitudes, but strictly speaking, him asking for permission has nothing to do with you and what you can and cannot do. It’s not you asking permission to get married. It’s him asking whether your dad thinks he’s good enough for you. You’re still perfectly at liberty to get married. I understand if it’s still not your cup of tea, and you don’t have to justify why you do or don’t like it – but IMHO, women are always going to be kept down by the mindset that every little thing keeps them down. (I’m not trying to open up a can of worms here. I’ve just heard it all, and it gets a little crazy. I had a friend who thought it was chauvinistic for men to open doors for women, because it assumes women are weaker. GTF out of here.)
While it might be old-fashioned, I do think it’s a mark of respect. Frankly, in my case, it was more of a formality. My family loves my FI and there was no chance any of them were going to say, “No way, dickhead, no way we want you to marry her.” I think it can be equally meaningful if a guy asks a girl’s mother. For me, it needed to be my dads, because my relationships with them are simply on a different level than my relationships with my mom and stepmom (which are both excellent). I think highly of both of them, they’re good men with good hearts and they know how to treat a woman with respect, and they both care about me, so they’re in a prime position to be the judges of whether a man is treating me in the absolute best way possible. I’m in a prime position to judge that, too, but FI talking to them really has more to do with the effect on him than the effect on me. In theory, would I marry someone my dad didn’t approve of? I suppose I might, though it’s difficult for me to imagine that being the issue, since my dad and I have very similar personalities and attitudes and we tend to think similarly about people.
Post # 11
I voted other because I wanted my fiance to ask my dad and I knew it would hurt my dad’s feelings if FI didn’t ask him. However our engagement was very spontaneous and spur of the moment. So I had FI ask my dad after the fact and we didn’t tell my dad until after that. In fact, FI even did a “re-proposal” of sorts on that night, (July, 4th) under the fireworks!
Also, we consider July 4th to be the official date of our engagement.
Post # 12
Yes, and yes, but it was his choice. He did awesome
Post # 13
Yeah, it was important to me that he ask. I don’t know why? I guess just tradition..
Post # 14
DH knew better than to ask my father. I would have been livid if he had.
Post # 15
- Wedding: September 2011 - Bent Creek Winery (Livermore, California); Reception: Family Residence (San Ramon, California)
My parents are really traditional and wanted to be asked, and it was important to both DH and me to honor their feelings on this. But DH never really asked for permission. He basically asked for their blessing. I mean, he didn’t need their permission, but of course we wanted their support! It was a great thing, and my dad likes to joke about their conversation all the time. Mainly he gives DH a hard time because he waited two months after talking to my dad to propose to me.
Post # 16
He asked. I didn’t really have a preference, but now I’m glad he did. I loved that my parents knew it was going to happen.
He showed up at my parents house with a bottle of bourbon for my dad and flowers for my mom. He told them he was “in the neighborhood” which immediately gave it away because he would never be in their town. They had him stay for dinner and he said it took him over 2 hours to get the nerve to say anything! He go so nervous! Plus, I called the house twice while he was there…whoops!