(Closed) WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?! Spinoff from what age was your first time?

posted 5 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
2810 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

@Elegant_Oppulence:  Agreed. I think the notion that your virginity is one of the valuable things you have to offer is really misogynistic and outdated.

Post # 4
Member
3569 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Honestly I don’t think a “worth” or “value” should be placed on anyone’s virginity. I think it feeds into that whole madonna/whore dichotomy which is hurtful either way.

I lost my virginity at 23 which supposedly is being a late bloomer these days and ages. I didn’t like the judgement about who I was as a person and being either rejected or celebrated for it.

 I think we need to move away from defining a women by seuxality whether she having sex or not.

Post # 6
Member
6598 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

When I read the title of the post (I think it changed) it was something along the lines of “How much value do you put on your virginity?” I answered outloud NONE!!!!

Seriously though, virginity is not a thing to me at all and is not something to hold of worth.

To me sex is a form of intimacy, like kissing and any other form of intimacy, that you can share with whomever you like.

I personally prefer to only share it with men I truly care about; however, I have friends who choose to share it more freely. The number of people you choose to be intimate with is an individual decision and I feel people shouldn’t be so focused on thier “number” and just do what makes them happy. Putting extra stock in a notion is silly to me and staying with an abusive man because you don’t want your “number” to increase is beyond words.

Post # 7
Member
1177 posts
Bumble bee

There is definitely a double-standard here. Men are encouraged to go out on the prowl and sleep with a lot of women, but women, on the other hand, are expected to stay demure and are seen in a very ill light if they have a lot of sexual partners. (I’m speaking general attitudes, obviously not everyone feels that way.)

I mean, really, who’s business is to anyone how many people you’ve had sex with? If you desire to have sex with a lot of people, go right ahead; it’s your life, and it is no one’s right to judge you for it. The very idea that virginity is a value of a person is archaic.

Personally, the idea of being a virgin isn’t exactly ‘worth’ anything to me, I just knew that I wanted my first time to be with someone I trusted completely. And that’s my call, and it should be the same for everyone. It’s your sexuality, and you should be in control of it, not everyone else.

Post # 8
Member
7656 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2012

IMO (and it is just that) I started dating a guy and we had the talk. When I asked him how many women he’s slept with and he started counting with both hands a few times over it put me off and I didn’t see him again. I don’t think it defines his personality or made him a bad person, but it did speak volumes to me on how he values relationships and handles them.

I don’t think I am any better than him for only having one partner versus his 15+. And my husband was a virgin when I met him, and I did not feel badly about having slept with someone (and he didn’t expect me to be).

That’s my feelings about the number of sexual parters. As for when you lose it who cares. If you’re ready, you’re ready and its your choice. Age has nothing to do with maturity.

 

Post # 9
Member
111 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

My virginity means very little to me, if anything.  The act of sex, however, means a lot.  Only with men I have truly cared about and only after getting to know that I truly cared.

I respect sex a great deal.

Which makes the second question difficult to answer.  Is how many people you have had sex with directly related to who you are, or somehow change that?  Not really, no.   But societal subcultures that focus on promiscuity can influence your behaviour if you ascribe to that lifestyle.  That works similarly to considering yourself to be part of the “sports,” “art,” or “music” crowd.  None of these strip you of your individuality, but they might influence you. 

It’s a complex question.  But I would never judge somone on the number of partners/stands they have had, it may not be my thing but I stand strongly by “too each his/her own.” (Provided no one is getting hurt.)

Regardless, I don’t feel personal beliefs or values should hold you in an abusive situation.  If they do, it’s time to seriously look at what really matters.

Post # 10
Member
9956 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think it is a complicated topic.

In this modern age, it certainly is “worth” less than it used to be… that is both a good thing and a bad thing.

But as someone who is over 50, I can say that it is pretty funny in regards to how “serious” we all take this (how many sexual partners we have) when you get to my age, because you suddenly realize that life will deal us all a hand whereby many of us will indeed have many sexual partners… be that prior to us marrying, or after a Breakup of a Marriage (Divorce) or the passing of our partner (Death).

Even my Grandparents (circa late 1800s) and my own Parents (circa early 1900s) had more than one partner in their lifetime… in several cases due to circumstances… Divorces & Deaths, they got into their 80s with a list that certainly numbered greater than the fingers on one hand !!

OMGosh !!  The horror of it all.

Truthfully, the older you get, the more you understand that keeping count is pretty silly.  Sex is part of life and so it goes… just as natural as anything else.

One can assume that if a couple is together, they are having sex.  So in the end, WHO you sleep with as a full grown Adult, really isn’t that big a deal…

That said…

I do think that in recent times that the “value” (different in some ways than worth) of one’s Virginity in young women has been lost.

There are lots of girls in their early teens (11 thru 15) who give it up without much thought to the first guy who trys to take it…

It now seems to be a “badge” to be able to say… I got rid of my Virginity as soon as I could (certainly what my Daughter told me a lot of her friends thought).

That somehow, being a Non-Virgin rushes one along into the state of adulthood… although most of us (who are now adults) would acknowledge, that growing into an adult has far more to do with one’s state of mind, and emmotional maturity vs any sort of physical milestone (example, one can certainly look 18 but still be a 13 year old with corresponding thoughts)

This rush to adulthood thru losing one’s virginity is a sad statement IMO

Virginity may not be “worth” as much as it once was… but it certainly should be valued by the girl in some sort of way.  She should be aware that it is indeed special and should be given some value.  As it is in a way reflective of the value that she puts upon herself.

I don’t think that it is a far stretch to say that we see countless posts here on WBee where women are desperately searching for love and respect from the men that they are so in love with… but because they have put so little value on themselves as women (long after the years where they gave up their virginity) they are in relationships that are rocky and unfullfilling.

IMO the concept goes hand in hand.  If a young woman has been taught that she is a valuable individual, then she probably won’t be the girl who gives her virginity away as a pre-teen, or young woman to the first guy who comes along.  She more than likely will strive for something more from a relationship, and see WHY it has value to her.

For the record…

As I said I am over 50.  My generation was certainly at the forefront of the idea that women’s viriginity was moving away from being “a prize” into the area that us gals were just as equal as the men.  My Parents certainly wanted me to hold out until I was married (or at least engaged).  But at 18 and away at University I gave it up to a boyfriend who I most certainly had fallen in love with.  In the end our relationship didn’t last and I was heartbroken.  At the same time, I didn’t see anything wrong with going out into the world and “dating like a man”… so yes, all my subsequent relationships were sexual as well.  And I was DETERMINED to be a modern woman where sex was JUST SEX.

But at the same time, I wanted to meet Mr Right, Marry and have Kids etc.  Infact that was probably my greatest motivator.  So much so, that in the end I really didn’t choose the best guy (because I didn’t know how to value myself… ) so I hooked up and got engaged to the first guy who came along who was willing (I met him when I was 20).

My Dating Story looks a lot like many of the posts we see on the WAITING BOARD… filled with angst, conflict, pain… and eventually there was marriage.  But the angst, conflict and pain never really went away, because I hadn’t been selective enough in my Dating Years to see value in myself, I was just thrilled to have a guy who said he loved me… somehow I overlooked all his faults for the fairytale, and ended up living in a nightmare instead (all because I had low self-esteem, and didn’t value myself, who I was and what I had to offer).

25 Years on, and a horrible Divorce later.  Not to mention, tons of counselling, and I finally connected the dots.  You have to value yourself in order to have a great relationship.  Period.

— — —

So yes, Virginity / Sex / Dating is a complicated topic… and there is no one size fits all answer.  BUT I also believe that we have to do more as a society to teach women to “value” themselves at a younger age… in order to get something “worthwhile” out of their lives & loves.

 

Post # 11
Member
329 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

My virginity didn’t really mean anything to me either. It wasn’t something I valued, if that makes sense?

I was dating my boyfriend at 16, I trusted him, we had sex. To me, it was just another way to express that we cared about each other. I still valued myself as a person, but I didn’t see having sex with someone as de-valuing myself. If you are mature to understand the emotional and physical ramfications of having sex, then have sex.

To me, sex takes on so many different meanings depending the context it is presented in. Sometimes it can be an expression of love, sometimes it’s just a physical need. To apply one blanket defintion to it is silly in my opinion. Unless someone is purposely reckless and putting themselves in danger regarding sexual situations, no one should look down on them or assume it’s any of their business.

 

 

Post # 12
Member
5012 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

My virginity didn’t mean much to me, other than that I wasn’t having sex and I really wanted to be. So I had sex with a friend/on-off boyfriend through most of my final year of high school. It worked for us.

I then went on to have sex with a lot of other men and women. Not because I had no respect for myself or for sex or for relationships but because I like sex and relationships weren’t terribly easy to find.

I’m still a good person. I’m still a good wife. I will be a good mother (if we eventually manage to have kids).

I won’t tell my (potential) daughters that “men only want one thing” because 1. not all of them are like that and 2. plenty of women only want one thing at times too! I will tell them what sex is, what the consequences are and what protections are available. I will tell them that sex does not equal love but not that having sex will make them worth less. 

Any man who didn’t want me because I chose to sleep with people for fun wasn’t the man for me and never would have been.

Post # 13
Member
1371 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I remember getting all sorts of mixed messages about sex in college/early 20s. Someone who waited/had few partners was either a weird freak or someone who who respected herself. Someone who had many partners was either a liberated feminist or a nasty slut. But being both liberated and self-respecting means YOU set the terms of your sexual relationships and make decisions you feel good about…whatever it’s having many casual partners, waiting until marriage and only having one partner and everything in between. And no one should be judged as either a “freak” or “slut” based on their sexual choices (at least within a consensual, non-cheating sexual relationship/encounter).

That all being a really rambling way of saying that I agree with everyone that having or not having sex doesn’t add or detract from someone’s worth.

Post # 14
Member
1766 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

At the time I lost my virginity, it really meant nothing to me. At all. But I was 16 then. I do think it’s something you shouldn’t just loose without a though (like I did), just because it seems that a lot of people seem to have regrets about loosing it when they did. I don’t see virginity like a prize, although I know some people do. I don’t regret loosing mine, but I actually lost it to FI (who would have thought!). But honestly, I never thought we’d be together that long! 

I don’t think it matters how many people you sleep with. It’s no one’s business except yours! I think everyone has personal morals for themselves in regard to sex. I think as long as you’re within your morals & beliefs, then I don’t see a problem. I put much more importance on sex now and I could never ever sleep with someone casually. But I don’t think anything of someone who feels differently. 

Post # 15
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I waited until I felt like I really cared about someone, and he was My First.  I don’t think of it so much as a value of my virginity, but maybe rather wanting to feel safe the first time because I was with someone I trusted, who knew me, and who cared about me?  I’m glad that he was My First, although admittedly my view on that might be skewed because he passed away three years ago suddenly, and its more like a special memory I have of him than giving him something of worth.

I don’t know how much value I place in just plain old sex.  I think sex can be just sex, and it doesn’t have to be an intense emotional connection with another person (or at least that’s how I treated it in college).  So no, I don’t think it matters how many people you sleep with, although I certainly feel that many of my girlfriends don’s share the same opinion as me.  

 

Post # 16
Member
1715 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2016

@Elegant_Oppulence:  I think virginity is an outdated and useless concept, and I don’t understand why it is so prized, it’s dumb in my eyes. This whole concept of ‘purity’ is such a moral ‘high horse’ thing, it’s sickening.  

And I don’t think it should matter how many men/women a woman has slept with. I mean goodness sakes, it’s up to the woman who she sleeps with! 

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