Spinoff: being with someone with different ideas on trust/respect.

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: If you and your partner didn't agree on the issue of opposite sex friendships...
    We could probably make it work through compromise and the setting of some boundaries. : (75 votes)
    47 %
    We could make it work only if one of us changed our views to conform with the other. : (20 votes)
    13 %
    I couldn't compromise on this subject at all, much less change my views entirely. : (63 votes)
    40 %
    Obligatory other. : (1 votes)
    1 %
  • Post # 3
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @bakeress1:  It wouldn’t work for me.  I’ve been in relationships with guys that felt I couldn’t/shouldn’t be friends with members of the opposite sex and it did not work for me whatsoever.  It felt very controlling and like they didn’t trust me.  I would never stop hanging out with a friend -male or female- because I got in a relationship and my partner didn’t like them or want me to be friends with them. 

    Post # 4
    9412 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    @bakeress1:  I wouldn’t have started dating him to begin with, let alone married him, if he felt the need for opposite sex friendships. I say this based on all of the things I said in the original thread. I don’t date people who don’t have the same beliefs and values that I do because those are things that I will never compromise on.

    Post # 5
    7207 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Not going to even continue a relationship with someone if we have differing views on this topic. I think opposite sex relationships are fine. I have tried and true male friends who have never violated our boundries. I guess I should give up my gay female friends as well, because they may ONE DAY hit on me. And If I’m emotionally vulerable I might tumble into bed with her. Please. 

    If I’m with someone and they don’t trust me enough to handle a violation of the boundries of our relationship, they can go scratch. Call it what you want, in my mind its a trust issue about “me”. No time for that foolishness, it just wouldn’t fly for me.

    The whole, I have to protect my relationship and live in a bubble is pure nonsenses IMO. I trust that my SO will not only respect me/us and that he will make the right choices if/when the need arises. If he crosses a line its because HE CHOOSE to. So no amount of preventing, pre-worrying, or setting up “safe” solutions is going to stop that. Ever.

    I’m on the otherside of 40 and I’ve experienced and witnessed a ton of relationships. Good ones, horrible ones and middle of the road. I’m confident in my stance. At the end of the day, do whatever works for you because ultimately, I couldn’t care less what anyone else does.

    Post # 6
    8483 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I wouldn’t have continued/started dating someone who said I couldn’t have opposite sex friendships.  So there wouldn’t really be anything to work out or compromise on.

    I naturally don’t hang out with my male friends as often just due to the fact that I don’t go out as much anymore and that now we’re both invited.  But I wouldn’t want to be with someone who was controlling and wouldn’t let me be alone with a friend I’ve had for decades.

    Post # 7
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I think I could have learned to accept a long-time opposite sex friendship that began before we got together, but I doubt I could ever compromise on one-on-one time.

    I could never accept a friendship with a former romantic partner.

    There are a number of things that would be dealbreakers for me if I were seeing someone new.

    As for SO suddenly flipping his opinion overnight, I think I would be highly suspect. I mean, really, if he suddenly says, “I have decided it’s okay for us to have one-on-one time with opposite sex buddies and am taking so-and-so to lunch today,” what good reason could I possibly come up with for that?

    My relationship with SO has taught me a lot. He is definitely the right one for me. If anything ever happened to him, there’s a tall order in store for the next guy. Things that I would have accepted when I was younger and single would immediately cause me to walk away on the very first date with someone now.



    Post # 8
    8387 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I think this is an issue of compatibility, most people need to have similar views about relationships and boundaries in order for them to be well matched.

    Post # 9
    2642 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    I’m a outdoor-loving, beer drinking, nerdy engineer who loves to play and watch sports.  Many of my best friends are male.  So no, if my SO all of the sudden decided he wasn’t comfortable with me having male friends, then our relationship would pretty much be over.  Even if I wanted it to work, I don’t think it could.  Not only because there are simply aren’t many females who enjoy the same acitivities as I do, but because I would resent my SO for making me give up my friends.

    Post # 10
    8847 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    @bklynbridetobe:  +1

    I could compromise a little tiny bit maybe… but many of my best friends are male, and if my SO has a problem with that, guess which one is getting the boot?  

    I am not interested in being told to change a perfectly innocent behavior by my partner because of his own insecurities.

    (Luckily I don’t have this problem!  My hubby’s non-jealous nature is one of his many many great qualities.)

    Post # 11
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I see the continuing thread of thought that those who don’t have opposite sex friendships are demanding it from their partner. Like housebee said, it’s a compatibility thing. If someone felt strongly about one-on-one time with the opposite sex, they are not going to date someone who holds the opposite view.

    Post # 12
    5391 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @bakeress1:  It wouldn’t work for me; I have no issue with opposite sex friendships, and nor does OH; if he decided tomorrow that I suddenly wasn’t ‘allowed’ male friends it would really concern me; I was in an abusive relationship some years ago, and would find being told who I could and couldn’t be friends with controlling and possessive, neither of which are qualities I would ever accept in a partner.

    Post # 13
    473 posts
    Helper bee

    I’m imagine we could make it work… As long as he came around to my side. LOL. 

    We are and have been long-distance most of our relationship. My fiancé is super social, friendly to everyone, and seems to have a revolving door of friends/acquaintances. I am more the type to pick and choose my friends and stick by them forever. I have no problem with him hanging out with any female friends in a group setting, but that is NOT okay if it’s just them. But I say this because he is never one to keep friends around for long — he’s a social butterfly who flits from person to person every few months. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him hanging out alone with a girl I barely knew. Now, if it was a female that I knew very well and considered my friend too, I wouldn’t care because I knew and trusted each of them implicitly. Or if it was a girl in his class, meeting at the library, and he was completely upfront, that’s business and fine.  But a stranger at his house? Nope nope nope. I had to actually lay that law down recently when I found out that one of his study buddies was female and came over occasionally to hang out and study. Apparently she lives in a dorm and hates it, so she would go over to his apartment and hang out and study there with him and his roommate or and mutual friends. Again, that’s fine, in a group…. But that crap is inappropriate if it is just the two of them. 

    He, on the other hand, doesn’t have a jealous bone in his body and has no problem with me hanging with any one, providing I let him know what’s happening. He knows all my male friends very well. 

    Post # 14
    3756 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    My FI is the type of guy that has lots of friends that are girls. He gets along really well with women and is comfortable having lots of friends of both genders. With cheating in my past, when we first met, I was NOT comfortable with this! And some situations were a little too close to home for me. It’s not been easy all the time, but we’ve worked through a lot of that and I’m now a lot more comfortable with him having female friends and he’s a lot more understanding of boundaries and what is and is not appropriate. It’s a work in progress still after 2.5 years but I refuse to let this be something that I let come between us. 

    Post # 15
    8847 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    @Fanciful:  not trying to argue, but I’m just curious because I don’t really understand the logic… why does it matter if you know the girl and trust her or not, when you trust your FI?  Isn’t that enough?  Or do you not trust him 100%?  Thanks 🙂

    Post # 16
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Another Bee who never would have married (or dated) such a person

    I figure I have made these determinations because I am older now, and far more self confident than I was the first time I got married in my early 20s

    Back then I was young, and my self esteem not the best…

    A guy came along and he liked me, I liked him… that was ENOUGH

    And so we’d begin to date… and then try to determine all the other stuff later

    Now that I’m older (and wiser, lol) I’ve come to realize THAT METHOD DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK… OR GUARANTEE SUCCESS

    (Altho it is still the way that women primarily date… as Dr Phil says, women spend more time looking for “this season’s outfit” than they do a well matched Life Partner)

    A much better way is for someone to go into the whole dating experience not just stary eyed but also with some sence of practicality

    Success of a long term committed relationship is important for most of us… and to make that happen requires COMMUNICATION

    There is a lot more to a successful relationship than just MUTUAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION (altho that is needed as well)

    As they say… LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH

    You also need…. Common Values, Goals, Interests, Compatibility, Communication, Respect, etc

    And that stuff is easily figured out in the beginning BEFORE you heart (and head) goes ga-ga over the other person to the point of no return

    (Witness the heart breaking posts on the EMOTIONAL BOARD by Bees who say… “But I’ve been with him 5, 6, 10, Years… I cannot imagine breaking up now that I have so much of my life invested in him”)

    In truth, it makes waaay more sense to go thru a Check List of the important stuff early on… and “hammer out” what works for a couple / important to each other in the beginning than find out down the road that you have vastly different view on what you see your relationship together SHOULD LOOK LIKE LONG TERM

    So ya, this Question here… was broached early in my relationship with Mr TTR

    If he had been adament about hanging out with a bunch of women one-on-one (Exes, Friends, etc) I certainly would have had an issue with it (especially the Exes), so I can guarantee you we would not be where we are today in our relationship… together 7+ Years and married.

    I wouldn’t have tried to change him… nor would I have changed me.  I just would have moved on to find someone else more COMPATIBLE with me.

    — — —

    What disturbs me most about this topic… (having opposite sex friends)

    Isn’t that other Bees have different points of view

    That is perfectly acceptable

    But that those of us who are in the HECK NO Camp are so thought to be crazy

    (I mean really how many topics have we seen on this topic of late… each one exploring the WHY of the women who choose to go the not so popular route on this topic)

    AND YET, a good many of us are also Older Bees who have experienced a ton more of life.

    I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen here on WBee, or heard in real life…

    “Well we broke up… turns out he was hanging out one-on-one with… his Ex – Girl From Work – University Pal… and now he’s decided he wants her more than me”

    Truth is, when you spend a lot of time with someone you become close to them

    And the more time you spend together the closer you become

    (Witness how many Bees say, I wasn’t gobsmacked by my DH / FH when I met him, but he grew on me… )

    It is just a natural thing (witness also what is known as the Stokholm Syndrom)

    It is all about nature…

    When it comes down to men & women, if you spend enough time together, someone is going to fall for the other person.  Period.

    Add in a lot of personal talk… exchange of info about one’s feelings, relationship… and it is a recipe for disaster.

    Physical Affairs almost always start as Emotional Affairs first.  Plain & simple.

    One of the greatest examples of this in recent time is Shania Twain.  Mutt Lange left her for a GF of Shania’s… and then when Shania was “comisserating” with the GF’s Hubby, she fell in love with him.

    You share a lot of common stuff… life experiences, emotions, etc.  And the “nature” element is going to take over.

    (This is well documented scientifically on what can cause attraction between males & females)

    We are only human… it happens.

    Which is also WHY the most common refrain when it does happen from the Cheater is…

    “I couldn’t help myself… it just happened”

    And it’s true.  They truly didn’t see it coming !!

    And they did nothing to protect / insolate their relationship from it… by creating a Boundary to begin with.

    Hope this helps,

    NOTE – I went back in and edited a bit.


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