Another Bee who never would have married (or dated) such a person
I figure I have made these determinations because I am older now, and far more self confident than I was the first time I got married in my early 20s
Back then I was young, and my self esteem not the best…
A guy came along and he liked me, I liked him… that was ENOUGH
And so we’d begin to date… and then try to determine all the other stuff later
Now that I’m older (and wiser, lol) I’ve come to realize THAT METHOD DOESN’T ALWAYS WORK… OR GUARANTEE SUCCESS
(Altho it is still the way that women primarily date… as Dr Phil says, women spend more time looking for “this season’s outfit” than they do a well matched Life Partner)
A much better way is for someone to go into the whole dating experience not just stary eyed but also with some sence of practicality
Success of a long term committed relationship is important for most of us… and to make that happen requires COMMUNICATION
There is a lot more to a successful relationship than just MUTUAL SEXUAL ATTRACTION (altho that is needed as well)
As they say… LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH
You also need…. Common Values, Goals, Interests, Compatibility, Communication, Respect, etc
And that stuff is easily figured out in the beginning BEFORE you heart (and head) goes ga-ga over the other person to the point of no return
(Witness the heart breaking posts on the EMOTIONAL BOARD by Bees who say… “But I’ve been with him 5, 6, 10, Years… I cannot imagine breaking up now that I have so much of my life invested in him”)
In truth, it makes waaay more sense to go thru a Check List of the important stuff early on… and “hammer out” what works for a couple / important to each other in the beginning than find out down the road that you have vastly different view on what you see your relationship together SHOULD LOOK LIKE LONG TERM
So ya, this Question here… was broached early in my relationship with Mr TTR
If he had been adament about hanging out with a bunch of women one-on-one (Exes, Friends, etc) I certainly would have had an issue with it (especially the Exes), so I can guarantee you we would not be where we are today in our relationship… together 7+ Years and married.
I wouldn’t have tried to change him… nor would I have changed me. I just would have moved on to find someone else more COMPATIBLE with me.
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What disturbs me most about this topic… (having opposite sex friends)
Isn’t that other Bees have different points of view
That is perfectly acceptable
But that those of us who are in the HECK NO Camp are so thought to be crazy
(I mean really how many topics have we seen on this topic of late… each one exploring the WHY of the women who choose to go the not so popular route on this topic)
AND YET, a good many of us are also Older Bees who have experienced a ton more of life.
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen here on WBee, or heard in real life…
“Well we broke up… turns out he was hanging out one-on-one with… his Ex – Girl From Work – University Pal… and now he’s decided he wants her more than me”
Truth is, when you spend a lot of time with someone you become close to them
And the more time you spend together the closer you become
(Witness how many Bees say, I wasn’t gobsmacked by my DH / FH when I met him, but he grew on me… )
It is just a natural thing (witness also what is known as the Stokholm Syndrom)
It is all about nature…
When it comes down to men & women, if you spend enough time together, someone is going to fall for the other person. Period.
Add in a lot of personal talk… exchange of info about one’s feelings, relationship… and it is a recipe for disaster.
Physical Affairs almost always start as Emotional Affairs first. Plain & simple.
One of the greatest examples of this in recent time is Shania Twain. Mutt Lange left her for a GF of Shania’s… and then when Shania was “comisserating” with the GF’s Hubby, she fell in love with him.
You share a lot of common stuff… life experiences, emotions, etc. And the “nature” element is going to take over.
(This is well documented scientifically on what can cause attraction between males & females)
We are only human… it happens.
Which is also WHY the most common refrain when it does happen from the Cheater is…
“I couldn’t help myself… it just happened”
And it’s true. They truly didn’t see it coming !!
And they did nothing to protect / insolate their relationship from it… by creating a Boundary to begin with.
Hope this helps,
NOTE – I went back in and edited a bit.