Post # 1
Heres the original post: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/bride-vs-groom-what-do#axzz2fADTnIPO
I have a similar problem as this bride, except FI wants the small wedding and I want the bigger one. If FI did the planning, it would be parents and siblings and close friends at a restaurant. I have a big, tightknit family and want them all to be there. He knows weddings are expensive, so he wants the tiniest we can plan and spend the least amount of money (FI can be kinda cheap). I’m not asking for a 50k wedding. We had my quince (300 people) for 1500 and I really liked it. I already cut my list a lot, but he still wants half the amount I have.
Basically, neither of us would enjoy the wedding each other wants, nor do we want to make the other unhappy at their own wedding. I have no idea how to compromise on this. We want fundamentally different weddings.
Post # 3
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Oh that sucks. Sometimes when we have a major fundamental disagreement, the decision comes down to how much each person wants it to be their way. We basically just say on the count of three how important it is to us. (You have to be sincere about it for this to work.) If I’m a 7 and he’s a 9, he gets his way.
For me, having my close-knit extended family at my wedding was mandatory. I’d rank it a ten. Sounds similar for you. Whereas he maybe doesn’t *hate* the idea of having them there, but would prefer it to be smaller. In that case, I’d say you “win”. But maybe I’m biased since I couldn’t imagine skipping all my relatives and various friends….
Post # 4
@lolot: Yea, I’d been planning on the assumption we had already compromised, but the other day he told me he was already sick of planning and wasn’t looking forward to the wedding at all.
Post # 5
@HonoraryNerd: first you need to figure out your budget. who is paying, who is contributing?
then talk about what is important.
then you each need to make 3 list, Need, Want, Don’t Want.
After that, discuss your lists and see if you can reach a compromise.
I wanted a small, budget friendly wedding with 80ish people. FI had 80 people on his A list. My mom wanted the bigger, lavish wedding that would impress people and she was paying. Our wedding is 137 invited with probably 116 attending It will be a beautiful and elegant and I am looking forward to it. All of us had to compromise to reach a happy agreement.
Post # 6
@ajillity81: We’re the only ones paying. My needs are on his don’t want list and vice versa, though. Therein lies the problem. Our budget’s around 5k and we can definitely afford that, but he doesn’t want to have to spend that much. He’d rather pay $100 for the whole thing.
Post # 7
@HonoraryNerd: it sounds like the reasons he does not want the large wedding are A) he does not want to spend that much money B) he does not want to do the amounut of planning it requires and C) it is not really that important to him.
i think you can tackle this problem by dealing with A, B, and C separately. You can show him how little you could spend, take over more of the planning without him, and then C should be solved when he realizes how important it is to you. Also if yall have attended any really kickass weddings, bring up what good memories you have of those?
Post # 8
Would it be agreeable to both of you to have an intimate ceremony (maybe destination, if that suits you) and then have a big party, backyard bbq, or something like that when you return?
This is really tough…I hope you both end up with a wedding that you both love!
Post # 9
C. Let him know why it’s important for you to have a big wedding and let him know you’re comprimising certain things (budget, # of guests etc.) to make him happy. (but don’t tell him repeatedly)
A. Decide on a budget that is dead-set, which you should not complian that it’s too small and your FI should not complain it’s too much. Once agreed, no change. If 5K is that one, stick to it and if your FI isn’t happy with 5K, just decide whatever number you two can agree. No more changing.
B. Let him choose on which part he wants to be involved. Once agreed, don’t let him do more than that unless he volunteers.
Also try to understand why he wants the other way and try to be happy about making him happy on certain aspects too. I’m sure you two can find something both would be happy because you two chose that way to be together!
Post # 10
@HonoraryNerd: This might sound bad, but FI convinced me that the more people we have, te more $ we get.. we need money badly and since parents are paying for most of it, we are ok. There will be so many people I will not even know, but as long as they bring gits i am fine. I hope there will be NO drama or crying babies or should I say NO KIDS