Spinoff- do you always put your spouse/fi/signifant other first

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Is your so/fi/dh always the number one priority
    Always(if my mom was goin due in two days and he wants me to go on a trip he needs come first : (4 votes)
    9 %
    90 percent of the time. If a family member is in need then the family member will be number 1 : (16 votes)
    36 %
    Mostly but I expect my so/fi/spouse to be there for his friends and family : (18 votes)
    41 %
    Yes but if anyone other then your so had to be above it better be family : (2 votes)
    5 %
    Other please explain : (4 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3404 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    He comes first, but there are exceptions. If my Mother was on her deathbed my husband would put MY needs first and encourage me to be with her. 

    This putting a partner first thing goes both ways.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1049 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    I put my FI first 100% of the time because he puts me first 100% so its never an issue. both our needs are always met to the best of our abilities.  We would always be there for family unless it was to the detriment of each other. We are both reasonable people and on the same page about most things so a family member would have to ask or expect something pretty crazy to cause a rift between us. 

    when we have kids, I strongly believe that your husband comes first, then your kids. Firstly, the kids will be happier if the home is happier and I believe in fostering independence anyway. Secondly, one day your kids will (hopefully) move out, but your husband will (hopefully) always be there. Ask me again when I’ve had them though lol!

    Post # 5
    Member
    239 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    I think the ‘mother on the deathbed’ example is a bit extreme, I don’t think any decent person would expect somebody to prioritise anything over that.

    I do put my FI first, but I don’t have contact with my family so there are very few competing priorities. Plus, I definitely did not put my ex husband first (neither of us prioritised the relationship – hence the divorce) and learned an important lesson from that. My FI doesn’t always put me first though, he has a massive and very demanding family and all his siblings live abroad, so there is often a lot of guilt on his part that he feels he needs to to the job of his brothers and sisters in terms of helping out his mum and dad. Also, his mum is very ‘needy’ and really takes advantage by getting him to do things for her that she can totally do herself (she’s not old or infirm or anything, and doesn’t work so has lots of free time). I try to encourage my FI to feel ok about sometimes saying ‘no’ to people, but not for my benefit, as a way for him to feel more confident and less ‘put upon’ all the time.

    I think people in a committed relationship need to put each other first, unless the other one is being unreasonable or expecting something that it totally unfair (i.e. going on a trip when your partners mother is dying). I have seen first hand what happens when you put your spoise last on the list and believe me, it doesn’t end well.

    Post # 6
    Member
    2826 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    We both put each other first. That way, we achieve a pretty good balance. No one’s needs are more important to me than my husband’s. However, my husband would put my needs (i.e. attending to a dying parent) ahead of his. I don’t have children, so I can’t speak to how that changes a married woman’s perspective. But my husband has children and I’ve never questioned whether I come first in his mind. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    8418 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    My husband and I both put each other first, however we’re not particularly close to our families. 

    Post # 8
    Member
    4483 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    Overall, he is first, for sure. In each and every moment, not really. For example, at work, I “turn of” my personal life and become a worker. If there were an emergency, I’d be by his side in a heartbeat, but work is a priority at work, and friends are a priority when I’m with them, and so on.

    Post # 9
    Member
    7259 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: February 2013

    If both partners put each other first, it will not be an issue.

    Post # 10
    Member
    579 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Ap2010:  I can tell you now when something major happened in my then fi’s life when we were living a 3 hour flight apart (someone close to him attempted suicide), as a student I used the money I had saved to jump on a plane on short notice to be there for him and that person. it killed my bank account but he needed me. The only time this could be an issue is if my family needed me at the same time as he did. Then it would be difficult but i know that one of the two would tell me where to be

    Post # 11
    Member
    202 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    This is a personal question, as we put off our engagment for 7 months while my mother was so sick there were times we didn’t think she would make it. He completely understood why I requested we hold off, I wanted my mother to be well again and not remember the engagment as a time filled with sadness and fear.

     

    He of course is my top priortiy when it comes everything else…but when mom is lying in the hospital, he knows I need to be there. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    13003 posts
    Honey Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2011

    No, there’s no way an *always* can cover a question like this.  For trivial things like, his birtday party and my friends separate birthday party is on the same day, then yes, he comes first.  If anyone close is on their death bed, and he’s healthy as a horse then he does not. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2831 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    pinkshoes:  +1.

    “always” isn’t an appropriate term. every situation is different.

    Post # 14
    Member
    7281 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

    My husbands needs come first. His wants are a diffewrent story. in the poll example, travel is a want, not a need. So my need to be with a dying loved one would supersede his want to travel, not that my husband would ever be so self-centered as to put me in that position to choose in the first place.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1287 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    Yes, there have been times that other people in my life have needed to come FIRST.  However, during those times, my decisions were not made by putting him last, but rather communicating to him first, and getting his support, because he put me first as well.

    Case and point, we had a family dinner planned with his side.  My best friend called me in tears because her mom was shockingly – without warning – diagnosed with terminal cancer. I called my FI (now DH), also in tears to tell him/communicate my need to be with her, and before i got to that part, without question or argument, he told me to be with her, no problem or worries.   

    • This reply was modified 2 years, 6 months ago by  OUgal0004.
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