Post # 1
Spinoff from another thread about public disagreements. I am quite curious about this. Some people say they have never had disagreements with their SO/FI/DH. I don’t know if it is matter of what one characterizes as a disagreement or that they always compromise, but I find it interesting.
Some people say they are all about open communication and therefore don’t have arguments or disagreements…but that doesn’t compute for me. You can disagree and even “argue” with someone while communicating in an open, honest and mature way. Just as you can avoid conflict arguments all together by always compromising or accomodating to the others wants/desires.
I also came across this article which is interesting…
http://www.smartmarriages.com/divorcepredictor.html (In summary, it is about how couples may be more likely to divorce if they constantly avoid conflict and always accomodate rather than learning to work through their problems.)
So bees, what are your thoughts? Do you and your SO/FI/DH have frequent or infrequent disagreements? What do you consider a disagreement vs an argument vs a fight?
Post # 3
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@bmo88: For me personally, of course we disagree on things. We’re not the same person, we have our own opinions and from time to time they differ. Do we get into full blown arguments over differences in opinion, taste, mindset, etc.? Absolutely not. If one of us starts to get upset, we talk about it. We especially would never blow up on one another in public. We’d either take a side-bar or wait and discuss it, calmly and rationally, once we got home.
I don’t think people on that other thread were saying that they never have any disagreements – more that when disagreements arise they have ways of talking through them and working them out.
Post # 4
My SO and I disagree at least once a week – meaning just that, we have different opinions on what we should do, ranging from things as simple as to what we should eat for dinner to situations as complex as how we should spend money in our joint account. I don’t consider something to be an argument or fight until it spins out of control, when one or both of us start to feel the physical effects of anger and strong emotions start coming up. We have done a lot of work on how to fight fair so we are pretty good at stopping our fights before we say something hurtful and then coming back to address them later when we have our emotions under control and can communicate effectively.
I do think it’s inappropriate to disagree with your SO on anything other than the most superficial of things in public. If it were about something important, I would wait and talk to them about it in private.
Post # 5
@FutureDrAtkins: Eh…one bee alluded to never even having the slightest disagreement. So I am just curiuos in general. But thank you for your response.
Post # 6
- Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!
@bmo88: I must have missed that one! Seems unlikely… I’d be interested to hear more too.
Post # 7
@Sassyfras27: I do think it’s inappropriate to disagree with your SO on anything other than the most superficial of things in public. If it were about something important, I would wait and talk to them about it in private.
+1 I do agree with this. DH and I have started to have disagreements in public and then quickly realize that it needs to be resolved at home. We do not bicker or argue in front of family or friends especially. We have some friends who bicker/fight often in front of us and others…and it is sooooo awkward.
Post # 8
We’re the same way. We sometimes even humour the other person and go along with what they want if it’s truly important to them. We don’t nitpick, we don’t embarrass each other in public, and we work through everything so we can get back to our regular joking selves.
It works with my FI and I because we have a similar temperament. We don’t raise our voices, heckle each other, interrupt when the other is sharing, or walk away from each other. It’s what we consider basic respect, and that’s our baseline rule, no matter what.
Post # 9
We disagree on things a lot, and we are both very opininated people. We don’t actually argue much though. we communicate extremely well, better than I ever knew was possible, so we talk right through everything and work together to solve issues.
One thing that I always hated from past relationships was 1) fighting dirty and low blows 2) not having the ability to admit when wrong. We work really hard to avoid these things and hurt feelings.
I think if you never disagree, someone is probably holding back their opinions and not being totally open
Post # 10
We’re both lucky–we were both raised with the mantra “choose your battles”!
So we do argue, but infrequently! And only if we feel strongly about something.
Post # 11
to divorce if they constantly avoid conflict and always accomodate rather than learning to work through their problems
I can definitely see how this manifests itself. Part of knowing if you’re truly compatible is to see how you deal with conflicts together. If the simplest issues set you off, or worst, if you can’t share your opinions, then that relationship is going to get tired real quick.
My in laws are the type to shove everything under the rug and it’s ridiculous. Every once in a while, they’ll blow up at each other about something one of them said like 2 years ago. They’ve been together for 30 years though, so while it hasn’t led to divorce (probably due to complacency and financial reasons), it has made two very unhappy people.
When I was growing up, if my parents had an issue, they’d go to our TV room in the basement to talk. My dad would tell us kids, “be right back, have to go talk to your mom about feelings again!” And we found it reall yfunny. Sometimes they’d be down there for hours, but it taught me that you have to talk things out in a marriage, and respect each other throughout the process.
Post # 12
@bmo88: I voted sometimes, but I thought about voting frequently. But there isn’t much specifically I could think of! We’re very compatible, but sometimes the differences we do have, which I wouldn’t change, cause unpleasantness. But I’m generally very easy going, and he cares about a lot of things more than I do, so he tends to get his way. And when I care more, I tend to get my way. We’re really good about compromising too.
To me the difference between a disagreement and a fight is the power of the emotions. However, I’m not proud of my tendency to think of disagreements as fights based on whether I cried or not, and setimes I cry just because FI is slightly upset with me. Our first fight, a few months into our relationship, was basically FI getting pissed at me because we showed up to something and couldn’t get in because I forgot my ID. I can be extremely forgetful, and too head-in-the-clouds, and I’ve realized I need a worrier in my life. I promised to try harder to remember my ID and I’ve been really good about it since. And the other thing is FI can be a yeller, and I hatehatehate yelling. But the other day when I didn’t do something I’d promised I would, he calmly said he needed some time apart from me, and I still cried, but I did part of what I said I’d do, and an hour later we were okay again 🙂 I was really proud of him, and it’s great because this forgetful, lazy girl loves her FI that stresses out too much about almost everything 😛
Post # 13
@FutureDrAtkins: Exactly. Theres a huge difference between “we disagree on X” to a fight about X.
We disagree, but rather than some people who bouce off eachothers comments getting madder and madder until its a fight, I take a deep breath, make my comment, and offer compromise if possible or ask him why he is getting upset/tell him why I am getting upset.
That’s not an argument, and it’s not a fight, but it IS a disagreement.
Post # 14
It was me, and despite basically being called a liar on that thread, lol, it is absolutely true! I am 33 years old, been in multiple relationships where we did argue. This one is different, and that’s why I’m marrying him. As I said in the other thread, I do not expect us to NEVER dissagree. I also don’t look down on people who do. However, I do believe that relationships should not be a freaking battle. It’s not always easy, but it shouldn’t be super hard either. 🙂
Post # 15
We rarely argue. We tend to almost always be on the same page about things and when we aren’t we are both pretty flexible with compromising. We have 3-4 large arguments per year that always stem from something ridiculously stupid.
I have been in relationships before where we argued much more and it clearly didnt work!
Post # 16
@bmo88: We have very infrequent disagreements; however, because we are human and not one person, we do sometimes see things differently. We handle each ‘argument’ (we never raise voices, yell, use derogatory language, etc.) with open communication. We don’t always end up viewing things the same way; basically, some of our discussions lead to ‘agreeing to disagree’. Other times, we listen to and understand each other and usually one of us will admit that they were wrong.
We haven’t had a fight about anything major; any issues we’ve had were minor and solved in less than a day.