SPINOFF: How often do you have disagreements with your SO/FI/DH?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: Do you have disagreements?
    Always : (12 votes)
    7 %
    Frequently : (26 votes)
    15 %
    Sometimes : (58 votes)
    33 %
    Infrequently : (73 votes)
    41 %
    Never : (9 votes)
    5 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    6887 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

    @bmo88:  For me personally, of course we disagree on things. We’re not the same person, we have our own opinions and from time to time they differ. Do we get into full blown arguments over differences in opinion, taste, mindset, etc.? Absolutely not. If one of us starts to get upset, we talk about it. We especially would never blow up on one another in public. We’d either take a side-bar or wait and discuss it, calmly and rationally, once we got home. 

    I don’t think people on that other thread were saying that they never have any disagreements – more that when disagreements arise they have ways of talking through them and working them out. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    212 posts
    Helper bee

    My SO and I disagree at least once a week – meaning just that, we have different opinions on what we should do, ranging from things as simple as to what we should eat for dinner to situations as complex as how we should spend money in our joint account. I don’t consider something to be an argument or fight until it spins out of control, when one or both of us start to feel the physical effects of anger and strong emotions start coming up. We have done a lot of work on how to fight fair so we are pretty good at stopping our fights before we say something hurtful and then coming back to address them later when we have our emotions under control and can communicate effectively.

    I do think it’s inappropriate to disagree with your SO on anything other than the most superficial of things in public. If it were about something important, I would wait and talk to them about it in private.

    Post # 6
    Member
    6887 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: March 2014 - A castle!

    @bmo88:  I must have missed that one! Seems unlikely… I’d be interested to hear more too.

    Post # 8
    Member
    3222 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    @FutureDrAtkins:  agreed.

    We’re the same way. We sometimes even humour the other person and go along with what they want if it’s truly important to them. We don’t nitpick, we don’t embarrass each other in public, and we work through everything so we can get back to our regular joking selves.

    It works with my FI and I because we have a similar temperament. We don’t raise our voices, heckle each other, interrupt when the other is sharing, or walk away from each other. It’s what we consider basic respect, and that’s our baseline rule, no matter what.

    Post # 9
    Member
    922 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    We disagree on things a lot, and we are both very opininated people. We don’t actually argue much though. we communicate extremely well, better than I ever knew was possible, so we talk right through everything and work together to solve issues. 

    One thing that I always hated from past relationships was 1) fighting dirty and low blows 2) not having the ability to admit when wrong. We work really hard to avoid these things and hurt feelings.

    I think if you never disagree, someone is probably holding back their opinions and not being totally open 

    Post # 10
    Member
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    We’re both lucky–we were both raised with the mantra “choose your battles”!

    So we do argue, but infrequently! And only if we feel strongly about something.

    Post # 11
    Member
    3222 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2015

    to divorce if they constantly avoid conflict and always accomodate rather than learning to work through their problems

    I can definitely see how this manifests itself. Part of knowing if you’re truly compatible is to see how you deal with conflicts together. If the simplest issues set you off, or worst, if you can’t share your opinions, then that relationship is going to get tired real quick.

    My in laws are the type to shove everything under the rug and it’s ridiculous. Every once in a while, they’ll blow up at each other about something one of them said like 2 years ago. They’ve been together for 30 years though, so while it hasn’t led to divorce (probably due to complacency and financial reasons), it has made two very unhappy people. 

    When I was growing up, if my parents had an issue, they’d go to our TV room in the basement to talk. My dad would tell us kids, “be right back, have to go talk to your mom about feelings again!” And we found it reall yfunny. Sometimes they’d be down there for hours, but it taught me that you have to talk things out in a marriage, and respect each other throughout the process.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @bmo88:  I voted sometimes, but I thought about voting frequently. But there isn’t much specifically I could think of! We’re very compatible, but sometimes the differences we do have, which I wouldn’t change, cause unpleasantness. But I’m generally very easy going, and he cares about a lot of things more than I do, so he tends to get his way. And when I care more, I tend to get my way. We’re really good about compromising too.

    To me the difference between a disagreement and a fight is the power of the emotions. However, I’m not proud of my tendency to think of disagreements as fights based on whether I cried or not, and setimes I cry just because FI is slightly upset with me. Our first fight, a few months into our relationship, was basically FI getting pissed at me because we showed up to something and couldn’t get in because I forgot my ID. I can be extremely forgetful, and too head-in-the-clouds, and I’ve realized I need a worrier in my life. I promised to try harder to remember my ID and I’ve been really good about it since. And the other thing is FI can be a yeller, and I hatehatehate yelling. But the other day when I didn’t do something I’d promised I would, he calmly said he needed some time apart from me, and I still cried, but I did part of what I said I’d do, and an hour later we were okay again 🙂 I was really proud of him, and it’s great because this forgetful, lazy girl loves her FI that stresses out too much about almost everything 😛

    Post # 13
    Member
    1167 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @FutureDrAtkins:  Exactly. Theres a huge difference between “we disagree on X” to a fight about X.

    We disagree, but rather than some people who bouce off eachothers comments getting madder and madder until its a fight, I take a deep breath, make my comment, and offer compromise if possible or ask him why he is getting upset/tell him why I am getting upset.

    That’s not an argument, and it’s not a fight, but it IS a disagreement.

    Post # 14
    Member
    795 posts
    Busy bee

    @FutureDrAtkins:  

    @bmo88:  

    It was me, and despite basically being called a liar on that thread, lol, it is absolutely true! I am 33 years old, been in multiple relationships where we did argue. This one is different, and that’s why I’m marrying him. As I said in the other thread, I do not expect us to NEVER dissagree. I also don’t look down on people who do. However, I do believe that relationships should not be a  freaking battle. It’s not always easy, but it shouldn’t be super hard either. 🙂 

    Post # 15
    Member
    11668 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We rarely argue. We tend to almost always be on the same page about things and when we aren’t we are both pretty flexible with compromising. We have 3-4 large arguments per year that always stem from something ridiculously stupid. 

    I have been in relationships before where we argued much more and it clearly didnt work!

    Post # 16
    Member
    634 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    @bmo88:  We have very infrequent disagreements; however, because we are human and not one person, we do sometimes see things differently. We handle each ‘argument’ (we never raise voices, yell, use derogatory language, etc.) with open communication. We don’t always end up viewing things the same way; basically, some of our discussions lead to ‘agreeing to disagree’. Other times, we listen to and understand each other and usually one of us will admit that they were wrong.

     

    We haven’t had a fight about anything major; any issues we’ve had were minor and solved in less than a day.

     

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