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I think a lot of ladies know my thoughts on this. That I don't believe in hiding anything (as dirty, ugly or weird as it might be)...from your partner. In fact, I think I told DH all my secrets very early on in our relationship. I wanted him to know all of me and love all of me.
Do you have secrets? Why do you believe in keeping those secrets?
My FI and I are both open books. We tell each other everything, and I love the openness between us.
He knows all of mine, but I don't see any point in hiding them. If I can't share the good, the bad, and the ugly with the person I am with, then I am not with the right person for me.
I am an individual person. No one but myself needs to know *every single* little thing about myself. Including my lover. Some things are just straight up personal, like how often I get my jollies off.
I am 100% open book and have been before we even technically started dating. I think it is important to know eachother's past to build a future together.
I'm an open book. We started knowing each other's deepest darkest secrets and have tried to continue that way.
DH and I are both open books. We are completely willing to tell each other anything about our pasts. Our past is what made each of us the people we are today and if we couldn't accept those thing, then we aren't with the right people.
I chose the first option, but it doesn't totally fit me - I have secrets from my past, but also stuff from right now that I don't tell my partner. Like vmec, I have a part of myself that is completely mine and habits/thoughts/secrets that I don't feel the need to share.
@JenniBride: If he ever asked you directly about one of those things you aren't sharing, would you tell him? Or would you say "You don't need to know"? Just curious as to your thought process. Thanks.
Nope, he knows all of mine from the past and I know all of his. I can see both sides of it, but I personally would never have chosen to be with someone who wouldn't tell me everything from the past. One of DH's qualities I most admire is his openness and honesty. He's my best friend, and I want him to know everything there is to know about me, and likewise for him.
I have been best friends with my FI since HS. So for almost 17 years. Before he and I started dating we had told each other everything throughout the years. There was no need to change that. We had some issues in the beginning because he and his ex-wife hid everything from each other. To the point where eventually they were leading separate lives. So I had to remind him a few times who he was with and that made a huge difference. I don't see the point in hiding things from someone because eventually it all comes out.
What I haven't told, from my childhood, he's probably already guessed and hasn't asked.
Him? Yes. I know he's got things he hasn't told me and I'm not going to ask. Some things are best left unsaid. (It's also from his college days.)
My favorite quote is: "What you don't know, can't hurt you."
JustSqueeze:
It depends on which thing he was asking about and why/how he was asking. It is super hard to answer that because it is sooo context dependent - I'm not trying to be vague. ;)
Generally, I would evade the question unless it was important that he know for some reason, which I can't imagine for any of the things I don't tell him.
I wouldn't call them secrets, but there are certainly things he doesn't need to hear about. Nothing bad though. He knows all the important things. I would never hold back something like that.
Not trying to pry! But from one bee to another...are these "sexual secrets?" (If you're not comfortable replying, by all means, don't :)
I can't vote because I would need to vote 'other'.
There are some stuff that I keep from him and don't want him to know, but none that affect him. The big stuff, we are very open and honest about. The stuff I am talking about is little stuff, personal stuff like 'grooming' habits, etc.
He has been an open booking lately. He used to try and keep stuff from me to avoid fights, or hurting me but it always turned out that I would find out in the end (IE: I asked him if he had had any girlfriends between his ex wife and me and he told me no. Months down the road I find out he did for a couple of months - I was FURIOUS! not because of her, but because he lied about her. His defense was that she was of no importance and he didn't want me to feel bad even for a second about something so meaningless to him)
He now promises to tell me stuff if I ask, or if it is important to us (IE: we toyed with the idea of going to Africa for our vacation in Oct but he told me he'd been there before with his EX. I appreciated this as we wanted it to be fresh and new to both of us) But things like his sexual past or relationship past in general? I have an idea of the number of partners but no details and I DON'T WANT to know!!
@Oneeleven: DH has tried to keep things from me too. He had the same defence. I sat him down and told him, "Honey, I would rather know. I don't ever want you to be afraid to tell me anything and everything!!"
FI and I dont have secrets, as akward or hard as it was to tell him everything and vis versa. Im glad we did it. I think that way we know everything about eachother, and there is nothing he could find out later. We know we truly love eachother despite anything we have done.
If my DH directly asked, then I would tell him anything, but I don't feel a great need to volunteer certain information, such as details about previous lovers. Once someone knows something, they can't un-know it, and so it seems pointless to share things that aren't relevant, but could be hurtful, unless someone wants to know.
I asked my DH lots of details about his past relationships, and I found a lot of that information quite difficult to deal with, which caused us a few totally unneccessary problems. I just couldn't help but keep asking, it was masochistic really. I asked him out straight if he wanted a similar amount of detail about my past, and he said he didn't, so I respect that.
There's one health issue. It's in the past and it's no longer a problem.
If he knew about it, he'd worry and I don't see any point in throwing that on his shoulders.
@Just_Squeeze: Like, he doesn't need to know if I have a yeast infection. Or my bathroom habits. He doesn't need to know how often I buy nail polish, or every person I talk to when I go out with friends. Not that I'm keeping these purposely from him..they're just so insignificant it's not worth talking about. He also doesn't know how many people I've slept with. I don't know his number either. If he asked, I'd tell him. And vice versa...we just don't ask because neither of us care.
Like I said, they aren't secrets. If he asked any of these things I'd tell him. But I'm not going to go out of my way to say 'hey! guess what's going on with my vagina today!'
@vmec: Yes! I believe in honesty, but there are a few things just for me. 
Oh, and on a less deep level, he has no idea how hairy I am, and there's no way I'll be plucking my moustache infront of him, or telling him I wax my monkey arms! I just smile sweetly when he says "I'm so glad you don't have a moustache/hairy forearms like so and so" (which he totally has said!)
@LittleDee27: I agree with honesty. I'm not lying to him, I'm just not telling him things that he need not know. Like I see smoking fine, damn he hot guy on street. I glance, I think "Oh hells to the yes..." but say nothing. Does he really need to know I think he's almighty fine? No. Does he need to know I have a thing for Justin Beiber and am a craddle robber? No. Does he need to know I had a little bit of lesbo action in my teenage days? No.
@Rumplestiltskin: LOL! Are you married, though? Because if your date is correct, you are, so you pluck and wax before he has a chance to know you do?
@AnneTossy: It's funny I've never had a yeast infection. But if I ever got one, I would tell DH. Especially if he wanted to make love and I couldn't. I don't think I would want to hurt his feelings by lieing about why I couldn't.
Also, I am the kind of person that reveals, or discusses certain things, over time. There's a right time, for me, to bring up things. I am 39 years old, and have experienced a lot in those years, some things I don't tell anyone generally. But marriage is about growth and as we move along our path I'm sure the "right time" will come. Besides, a few secrets keeps you a little mysterious!
That said, with current stuff, I tend to tell him everything. (He probably wishes I would tell him LESS!) I simply can't lie to him.
I voted 'open book' and that's how I think of it. I'm not a 'loudspeaker stuck in the on position' I just am there for the reading when it comes to secrets. If he wants to know anything (and I mean ANYTHING) he just has to go ask. He knows that about me so generally doesn't ask questions he doesn't want answers to. I won't ever go out of my way to tell him stories about my ex's or about how I got me and my friends almost arrested in high school while playing with fake swords in a public park (heh..heh) BUT I'd never keep something from him if asked =)
hahahah! well I was about to agree whole-heartedly with your first post but let me say, I am also bang-on with you on your second post! FI caught me trimming my nose hair and he actually said "girls don't have nose hair!! why are you doing that) Grrrr! I hide that kind of stuff just because of that comment!
RE: asking too many questions? I WISH I hadn't and I WISH I could go back in time and erase all the dirty details I know. None of them affect me and they have only caused us issue. Big issues that are really hard to let go (I still struggle!!)
So sometimes less is more.
Mr. Tattoo doesn't need to know anything that doesn't affect him. That means his safety, his sexual health, and...well that's everything that I can think.
Mr. Tattoo doesn't need to know all the detail of my affair with a married man. He doesn't need to know the kind of people I've hung out with while I was on coke. He doesn't need to know anything about my past relationships and what happened in them. I mean, if he asked then I would tell him, but I'm not just going to tell him all of it. Same with his past. I don't care what happened before we got back together. As long as it doesn't cause me to get an STD or kidnapped by drug dealers then I'm okay.
@vmec: Ha! That made me smile. A lot. :D
@Rumplestiltskin: haha, I tried to keep my plucking/shaving habits from my FI but then he started to meet the rest of my Italian family and finally he was like 'there's NO FREAKIN' WAY that you have completely bald arms and perfectly smooth facial skin and still be related to these people' =( I got caught! But on the bright side, now that he know's he is very grateful that I make the effort to not be so chimpish.
We're really open with each other and have never kept any secrets from each other. It's really nice not having to be careful about how much information I "reveal" or whatever haha.
@Just_Squeeze: If he's trying to bump uglies I'd tell him why. I've only had them 3 or 4 times, and each time it happened we just didn't end up having sex those days, so he never knew. I wouldn't lie about it. I'd tell him my cookie was under construction or something, lol.
@Miss Tattoo: I agree that he doesn't 'need to know' that kind of past history stuff, but if he asked would you tell him?
My husband didn't need to know everything about me either. But like I wrote in another post:
Seeing as he does know all of me, the good, the bad and the ugly...I know he really means it when he says I'm the most amazing person he's ever met. (Because I'm not putting up a facade and not lying by omission).
Everyone has what works for them.
I remember dating jerks and thinking I had to be perfect. I mean, "I don't bleed every month" perfect. And I thought "Well, girl, he's obviously not the man for you if you feel the need to hide your true self".
So DH knows how many men I've slept with, where my scar comes from, that I used to be bulimic, anorexic and clinically depressed, that I took "revenge" on past jerks and everything else under the sun!
He still tells me every day "I love you more than anything else in the universe"
I am a Scorpio and a naturally private person. I am also an introvert. I have never been one to tell someone everything. Not my best friends, not my mother, and not my SO. I also don't lie, so if I'm asked I will be honest. But I tend to use my discretion in determining what info about myself I should and should not divulge. As long as it is not detrimental to the other person, I feel it is up to me to share or not. But as time goes on and I become more open I do tend to share more.
Ditto on the grooming habits, SO does NOT need to know just how hairy I really am. (Gotta love those hispanic genes, lol) But the big deal skeletons in the closet? We both disclosed those very early in the relationship, when we first realized things were gettting serious.
Now, that being said, there are some things that aren't necessarily a big deal, and don't really have any bearing on our relationship that I haven't disclosed, simply because the specific subject(s) hasn't come up. But, if SO were to ever ask, I wouldn't hesitate to be truthful with him. Example: We both know each other's "numbers", but neither of us care to know any of the nitty gritty details about stuff that the other's done.
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