Post # 1
- Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA
Couples who have been together for 5, 7, 10, 12 years before getting married…. do you judge? Who specifically, and in what way, would you judge?
(ETA: I am part of one of these couples – married after 13 years following a very contented non-married partnership – so obviously I don’t judge. Curious if other people do and what their views are. I certainly understand we all have our own perspectives and wouldn’t be offended, so it’d be interesting to hear from some of the “yes” voters.)
Post # 3
They may not believe marriage is important at all 🙂
Post # 4
I don’t really JUDGE people in general and that’s really not enough information bc I would never judge a couple where both parties willingly stay in a relationship without getting married. I don’t assume that every couple has a girl waiting to be proposed to a guy who doesn’t want to do it, yanno?
However, if a girl confided in me and that she’s waiting for a ring and her guy hasn’t proposed and they’ve been together a “long” time, then I would likely start questioning her for remaining in that relationship – specifically, remaining in a relationship where she doesn’t have control over where the relationship is going and the future of the relationship and where the other party to the relationship is putting his own needs/desires/insecurities before her needs/desires, etc.
That being said, I don’t know a single couple who is in this situation.
Post # 5
I’m actually way less likely to think anything judgemental of a long-waiting couple than the situation in the other thread. I would probably figure that one or both of them changed their mind about getting married after all. A really good couple-friend of mine got married 4 years ago after being together for like 25 years, including high school. The only emotion I felt was great joy for their clear happiness.
Post # 6
It took my stepbrother 15 years (they are now in their 40’s, so it’s not like they were really young when they got together) to marry his girlfriend. She expressed that she wanted to get married once or twice, but he just wasn’t interested. She said she loved him and that marriage wasn’t that important to her, so it worked. I don’t know what happened, but suddenly, we got a call from them. They’d decided to go to the courthouse and make it official.
I don’t think that marriage is for everyone as long as both parties are comfortable with not getting married. I would only start to wonder about it if one person really wanted to get married and the other didn’t and had no plans to.
Post # 7
This will be circumstantial for me. I know certain women who are or were waiting for their bf to propose for years and years. I know for a fact that these women were embarrassed and upset that their friends were meeting and marrying men while they were still waiting for a ring. For those women (let’s face it, a lot of times its the woman who is ready and the man isn’t) I feel great sympathy and I can’t help but judge.
For those women who were happy as a clam during their long courtship, I don’t judge. I think people have the ability to see behind a woman’s facade on whether she is either unhappily waiting or content as is.
Post # 8
@lolot: I just got engaged after being with my guy for 6 years. So no. I don’t judge because I don’t know the reasons why they aren’t married. And, quite frankly, its none of my business.
Post # 9
@lolot: Yes, definitely!!! Haha, j/k…
We took 10 years to get married and I think it worked really well for us. But I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it! So I don’t really judge, but I wouldn’t say that everybody needs to wait that long.
Post # 10
I have to say that before being in the position myself I wondered why some people took so long. I remember thinking, “don’t you know already?” Back then it just seemed like a delay tactic or waste of time.
It took us 5 years to get engaged and we had been together for 6 years when we got married. Life takes you on an interesting journey and my DH and I did what was best for us. We were in no rush and I can now see why others would do the same.
Post # 11
Not ever girl dreams of the white dress and white picket fence and the golden retreiver and 2.1 kids (or whatever that statistic is). As long as they’re both happy, I say… who cares!
Post # 12
Personally, we were together for 9 years before DH proposed (out of left field) and then we procrastinated for 3.5 more years before we had the wedding. It just wasn’t that big a deal to either of us. I’m really happy we finally did it and it was an awesome weekend, but seriously, if I hadn’t seen a flyer for a wedding show, this could’ve dragged on for another few years or so, especially since I wasn’t done with grad school. I’m sure people were judging us all over the place. I even had people ask if we were still engaged (lol).
That said, I do feel sad when I see other couples who have been together for 10, 15, 20+ years and one party really wants to get married and the other doesn’t. I do rather feel like this is something that both partners should be on the same page for in a healthy relationship.
Post # 13
No, I don’t judge. I have known people who have waited a long time before getting married. I think as long as both people are comfortable there is no issue
Post # 14
We were together for 9 years before getting engaged, and had no inclination to get married if it wasn’t for our parents nudging us along.
It helps that where I live, there is legislation that grants almost identical legal and economic rights to cohabiting couples and married couples. Regardless of legal regimes, I wouldn’t judge anyone for doing what they think is best for their relationship.
However, I do think that we were judged by some of my FH’s former coworkers, especially those who married within 2 years of meeting their spouse. There were several instances that I felt they were showing off, as if their commitment was more solid than ours. One of those couples is now divorced, so I guess getting legally married isn’t all that permanent, huh? Lol.
Post # 15
@lolot: I have several family members who are in decades-long unmarried partnerships, so I don’t see a problem with that at all. However, I jumped the gun and answered “yes, both of them” because I immediately thought of other couples where one (or both) really wanted to get married and they just didn’t, for whatever reason. I have cousins who were with their girlfriends for 9+ years with no ring in sight and the girls were very clear about wanting to get married. At that point, I judge my cousin for not pulling his shit together AND I judge the girl for complaining about it but not DOING anything about it. In one case, the girl finally fled and was married 18 months later to a very nice guy. In another, they are finally married but are now having trouble TTC, which I would attribute in large part to her age.
Post # 16
Only if it’s because they’re “not ready” but then they have kid(s) together, and then only if the kids were planned. I just don’t understand why people would decide they’re not ready for marriage, but they will commit to raising a child together for 18 years.
It’s one thing if they don’t believe in the institution of marriage, or if the condom broke. But to say you’re not ready to marry, but you are ready to co-parent just confuses me.