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@Heartly: I think I saw a few responses say that they max out - if it's a $500 pp wedding, they're not going to give a $600 gift. They'll top out at $200 or $300 or whatever.
I don't know if I "cover my plate" but I do think I'd scale in order to avoid any embarrassment. (E.g., I think bringing a lavish gift to a very budget wedding would perhaps put the happy couple in an odd spot - exception if I'm super close to them, though.)
So given that, I would likely still accept your hypothetical invite, but I would max out at maybe $200.
I wouldnt decline to attend a wedding just b/c I didnt think I could cover my plate, but if I do know that it's a high price tag wedding & a good friend I do give a little more than usual.
I would absolutely still go. Covering the plate is only a guideline--you still give only what you can afford. Like when I was in law school not making any money, I certainly did not cover my plate, although that's what I like to do. Now that I have a job, I am able to cover my plate + give a gift. I also have a maximum, and that would probably be $500 for a really close family member (siblings basically). I also would never give a gift below $75, even if the wedding was a potluck or something.
I don't really know why the covering your plate thing is so hard for people to understand. It's a guideline. You still have to do what you can afford and feel comfortable with.
I give based on my relationship with the couple. period. doesn't matter if they get married in a backyard or Westminster, lol. I do also check to see what they gave us (if we married first) and match that.
If the plate is expensive (for me, $250 and up) and if I'm going with FI, we may just cover our plates and not give a gift. It depends on the relationship I have with the couple and also our financial situation at that time. Like now that we're saving for our wedding, we're definitely less generous. The most I ever gave was $700 (plate was maybe $50) but that was just one time for the closest person to get married as of yet!
That said, I only go to weddings of people I really know and care for. The rest I decline.
I would still attend and give what I could. Like PP said, it's a guideline or a starting point, covering your plate is not a must. Within my circle we give $100 minimum per person (I know this only because when a huge group of us were discussing weddings last year this was the concensus). I felt bad going to weddings in the past and only giving $200 for the 2 of us because I know that in grand scheme of things it's not really a lot but now that I'm working again we're definitely giving more. How close I am to the couple also plays a factor in what I give.
Maybe it's also that I'm used to giving this much? I know that FI was shocked when he heard how much I got for my birthday from friends and family (when we first started dating) but to me it was totally normal because it's just what we do.
How can you tell how much someone's wedding costs or will cost (before you attend)?
I was tight lipped about my wedding beforehand and even had a few friends mention my "low budget wedding".
After my wedding, we've had numerous friends/family reference our 50k wedding (not kidding), but our wedding only cost 27k.
My point is, you have no idea whether it's $75pp or $200pp.
@PinkMagnolia: How can you tell how much someone's wedding costs or will cost (before you attend)?
That was my thought exactly.
I have never heard of basing one's gift on the cost of your food/plate and it just seems bizarre in my HO. As PP have mentioned I base my gifts on the relationship I have with the bride and/or groom. If we are close I will give/spend more regardless of the wedding theme, price tag, or formality.
Just as a personal note, even though we are having a formal wedding with a higher cost PP meal I don't expect people to spend more on gifts for us. I just don't get where this correlation comes from.
@PinkMagnolia: You can kind off guess based on the venue and what it includes. For example, if it includes dinner, I give more. If it's a 5 star hotel, I know approximately how much a plate costs there so I give accordingly. Generally the plate doesn't include the band and the other stuff- just the food and drinks. It's an estimate - not set in stone:)
@Heartly: I think you are referring to my thread 
.
I wouldn't decline to go just because I couldn't "cover my plate". As it was mentioned repeatedly on my thread, I would start with the plate cover as a baseline only and then go from there. If it's out of my range, I give what I can afford and want to give. Easy as that.
@Treejewel19: As mentioned on other threads, most people guesstimate how much a wedding costs per head by considering the venue (and checking their website for rates to get an idea) and any details you know about the wedding (i.e. - decor, cake, flowers, etc.). It's JUST a guesstimate not an exact figure. In addition, it's just a starting point for negotiations. LOL! If a guest cannot afford to give that much or just doesn't want to, they by no means have to, it's just how some of us were raised. That's all. No harm or foul. I've heard of covering your plate since I was like 10 years old and went to my first formal affair (a Sweet Sixteen, not a wedding). My mother covered our plates when we went.
@VegasSukie: Very interesting. I wonder how much people would guesstimate my wedding cost was per plate...I should ask! :P
Can I just say (totally tongue in cheek) that I'm glad my wedding is at an uber expensive hotel with a super high published f&b minimum (that I'm not governed by), if it means people will gift based on that perception? haha
No, I would never turn down a wedding if I couldn’t afford to cover the cost of my plate. The “CYP” concept isn’t set in stone. I am free to decide how much I gift and if the price per plate is too high, I will gift what I’m comfortable with.
I try to cover my plate whenever possible but it has to be within reason. I would agree with the PP’s of the other thread who said that their gift would max out at around $500. That’s probably as high as I would go for a wedding gift, unless it was like my kid or something. I guess I’m lucky in that all of my friends and family (so anyone that would ever invite me to their wedding) are all relatively local so regional differences wouldn’t really come into play for me. For those who travel all over, establishing the cost per plate and actually gifting that much would probably be much more difficult.
No-one has to cover their plate. It’s just something that some of try to do whenever possible. I don't understand why that's so difficult to grasp for some (not you, OP but others who still feel the need to question it). It's not mandatory by any means.
We're aren't typically invited to weddings unless it's a close friend/family member so we always write a check for around $300 + something off the registry that I give at the bridal shower. In my area $300 covers the plate for two but I look up the venue in advance out of curiousity. But if we couldn't come up with the money to cover our plate, I would still go and probably write something more thoughtful and lengthy in the card and I'd send a gift after the wedding as well.
For the few weddings we've been invited to where we weren't as close to the couple, I still send something when I can afford it and we attend but our gift doesn't always cover the plate.
@PinkMagnolia: For almost all of the weddings I have been the menus were listed on the venue website. So while it may not have been completely accurate it was a starting point. Maybe it's also that I have friends who don't care and will talk about money? I know that when I go to an Indian wedding the pp cost is more like $15-25pp whereas other typical weddings are $100pp. It makes no difference to me if they paid $25pp, I still start my minimum gift at $100!
You cover the plate if you can. You should be as generous as you are comfortable while also respecting the investment the couple made in throwing a beautiful party to invite you to. If you simply can't afford the $200 or $300 gift, you give something less expensive instead. No big deal.
@Treejewel19: You estimate the cost of the wedding by the formality of the invitation.
@brenda.m.fields: That's a good thought on the invite.
I tend to have some understanding of the cost based on where it is. One of the last weddings I was at was held at a hotel that is widely known for having a 60-70k minimum for F&B, and they had upgrades on absolutely everything. It wasn't a fancy wedding, groomsmen were in khakis, but it was widely known to be pricey. The invites probably cost more than some weddings.
And thanks for the responses everyone! I know it's not set in stone, I'm just wondering what others have done. I'm starting to feel a little self conscious of what I've previously given, but really, we always have to travel fair distances.
@VegasSukie: Sorry for not reading all four pages! I should probably practice some patience...
I have never heard of this! I am almost positive that I have never "covered my plate." Now I haven't been to too many weddings, but I had no idea. I will definately have to start gifting better! I guess I shouldn't feel too bad though, because I have never received a thank you card for a few of those weddings!
@TXbrideFW: Yeah, I'm feeling the same way. I hadn't really considered it until recently, now I'm feeling a bit self concious.
I have never heard of covering your plate until I came to weddingbee. We gift and receive gifts based on our relationship to the people. Some (not many, but a few) people gave us $25, and we were happy they gave at all. Our grandparents and godparents gave us a few hundred each, and we were thrilled. *Not* saying people are being greedy, it just seems strange to put a guideline on a gift.
"Covering your plate" is the common thought for gift giving at weddings where I'm from. I think it's pretty easy to guess what the cost is based upon the venue. That said, I do have a minimum and a maximum that I work with, that's also based on relationship to the couple. I also would not opt out of a wedding that I thought was $200 a person, but I wouldn't give $400 for the two of us to attend. I would stick with my max gift. I will also add, that after my wedding, I did learn that I gift very generously in comparison to most.
I give what I can afford and don't feel bad about it at all. I had friends that were well off and through word of mouth I heard that they spent aprox $300 a plate.
Now this might sound rude but that's their choice to do so. I was invited and that was their gift to me - I appreciated that. Unfortunately I wasn't in a position to give them a $300 gift so I spent $170. So they took a loss. I don't know how they feel about that. I'm not losing any sleep over it.
Like other cover-your-plate advocates have said, it's a general guideline, not a firm rule. I still give more if I know the couple better, and I never give more than what I can afford. If I get invited to a $300/pp wedding where I barely know the couple, I probably won't be buying a $600 registry item. I just like to take into account what the couple has chosen to spend on me and my guest and add that to the gift budget, because I want to show my appreciation when a couple chooses to spend more on things like nicer food or alcohol for their guests.
I know that we're spending $150/pp on food and drink alone, and I certainly don't expect anyone to give us $300. We decided to spend that much because it's what we wanted and we wanted our guests to have the best experience possible. I definitely would not want anyone I invite to turn down the invitation because they cannot afford to cover their plate.
My SO and I, and my family, have all thought "covering your plate" to be a guideline. My mother's family is super italian, and for a close relative, they will do what they need to do, to usually give a gift of over $1,000 for a wedding, birth of a baby, graduation, etc.. They aren't super rich, but they have always been overly generous. I have researched venues before attending weddings, and taken things into account on how much our gift should be, based on things like if it's a day time or Sunday wedding, or if it's a Saturday night wedding...just to make sure we aren't costing the bride and groom anything. We have been to 2 weddings in the past 3 months where we gave about $200 in the card, and we knew that more than covered us. I never thought of covering your plate as being poor taste..I always thought the goal was so that the new husband and wife wound up not losing out on the cost of their wedding....it's always been the standard among my family and friends.
Personally, the cost of the plate does not affect my gift. If they choose to have a less or more expensive wedding, that is their choice. I gift based on what I can afford and my relationship with the person.
@brenda.m.fields: That makes no sense to me. A formal invite doesn't mean the couple is spending a lot of money. We are spending $200/plate but our invites aren't exactly formal.
@MademoiselleL: Exactly my thoughts.
It's your choice to have your wedding at a more/less expensive venue so you shouldn't expect people to give you money to "cover their plate." Gifts are gifts, not reimbursements of your wedding expenses. Definitely not a guideline followed around my area/among people I know.
in my mind, the reception is a gift TO my friends and family to celebrate our marriage, I did not expect anything in return.
I would be heartbroken if somebody declined to come to my wedding simply because they could not afford a gift.
I am sure your friends are at least somewhat aware of your financial situation. if you can afford a plane ticket and only a small gift, they would probably be very understanding and just happy that you could make it!
@Bostongrl25: agreed.. .the invites really say nothing about the wedding.
I usually make my guess based on the venue.... espeically now that I've done all this reseach in my area for my wedding I know for a fact what certain venues go for. I'm also guilty of looking up a venue after recieving an invitation to see what it costs to factor it in to my gift.
@sherryberry: I was wondering that myself. does the "cost per head" just mean food? or does it mean everything?
if I took the entire budget of my whole wedding (venue, dj, alcohol and everything but NOT personal items like clothes and jewelry) and divided it up by # of guests, it would come out to $250 per head. but if I was thinking about just food only, then it's really just about $100 per head.
@janie-janie: and @sherryberry: When I 'cover my plate,' I count food, drink, and anything else that's specifically for the guests. I don't count things like the dress, rings, and photographer that are really just for the couple, or overall expenses like the DJ and decor. But again, it's not a specific formula or reimbursement or anything, it's just trying to make sure that I'm still giving the couple the gift value I intend to give them after you deduct the amount they spent on me and my date.
For example, at our wedding, we are spending about $150/pp on just the food and drinks, but $250-300/pp total if you look at the entire budget. If I was a guest and I had a general idea of the costs, and was close enough to the couple, I would probably give $400 so that the actual gift is $100 after the cost for 2 people's plates. Of course, I do NOT expect any of our guests to give us anywhere near that much, and would be completely happy with them just showing up because that's why we're inviting them, and it's not their fault that we're opting to have a more expensive wedding.
I'd never heard of covering one's plate until WB. And I don't agree that invitations indicate formality. My invitations are kind of fancy, but we're having a bbq buffet reception. In that case, our guests should start their gifts at $10-20. Like PPs have said, it's the couple's choice whether they have an expensive reception or not.
If ppl used that philosophy we would be looking at a $7300 in wedding gifts and I would be mortified that ppl gave that much in gifts, cash or even our charity registry. I am not looking to get any gifts at the wedding, I just wanted people to come and share our special day with us. We are entertaining them and honestly their present really is gift enough.
With most engagements lasting a year or more, it's really not that difficult to set aside a small amount each week to cover a nice gift, and if you save over a period of time it's not much of a sacrifice. The point of a wedding gift is to show your well-wishes for the happy couple and to help set them up at the start of their married life.
I aim to give a couple my plate (plus my "plus ones" plate if I am allowed one), plus a little bit extra. This can be a bit exxy, but I feel it's only fair and polite. I however am quite picky about the weddings I go to, like I consider "does this person mean as much to me as what I would spend?" if not, I don't go. I know it sounds harsh, but unfortunately I happen to know A LOT of people who only have large weddings to get a lot of expensive gifts, and I'd prefer not to be a part of that. I only go to the weddings where I love the people enough to want to give them nice gifts.
For example, last year I was invited to a colleagues wedding (didn't go), a cousin I haven't spoken to in years (don't like her, and she's already filing for divorce, so I definetly didn't go) and one of my absolute mentors who I consider like family for all she has done for me (went with bells on! And gave her a nice coffee machine at the engagement and $750 at the wedding). A lot of people think I should have divided that $1000 between the 3 weddings and went to them all, but I'd rather just spend more on one person I really care about.
@beccybaby: This may be true about long engagements (mine is less than a year though lol just to your point.... although we've been together for about 5 years), but the issue is that most people get their wedding invitations 1-2 months in advance. And obviously, the bills you need to pay every month, as well as the little snafus that pop up that your nest egg goes to (at the worst times too! Like car repairs needed 3 days before Christmas)...this all needs to be considered before 'gifts' (which, in all honesty, are always optional. Of course, you will give a gift to a wedding you are attending, but there is no requirement, no one checking you at the door!)
With this being said, weddings are more celebration-focused in our current era than pure "fundraisers". So, I think turning down a wedding invitation because you can't cover your plate (and you wouldn't ever say to the couple the real reason you were turning it down was because you couldn't afford the cover, so they are left wondering why you didn't want to come - a lose-lose situation) is a bad idea in the short and long-term.
My FSIL asked if she had to save up enough to cover her and her boyfriend's plate. I said absolutely not - I don't like thinking in terms of that. I honestly would appreciate a purchased gift that someone put thought into and was something we both would enjoy (like bleacher seats to a NY Yankee game) then a $50 bill in a card from someone who was struggling to afford it. That isn't my intention when I invite someone to my wedding...and I don't think it's most brides' intention to put people out financially. We mostly think of who we want at our wedding first, not who will give us the biggest gift!
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Aftering the long gifting post (sorry, I couldn't get through all 4 pages!), I was just curious...for Bees who give a gift with the intent of generally covering the cost of their plate OR covering the plate plus some...
Do you turn down a wedding if you can't afford to cover? Even if they're close friends? I ask mainly because I don't think I have ever been to a wedding that was less than $200 per plate, some closer to 300 or more. And they're not all super formal, but it's regional/urban.
Most of my friends are throughout the country, so for all the weddings we go to, most all guests have to travel to get there as well. So I typically spend between $200-500 traveling for a wedding. So I'm wondering how it all shakes down, if that makes sense.
Even if I didn't have high travel costs, I'm not sure I could afford to gift $200-400 per wedding, but I also wouldn't want to turn a good friend's wedding down.
Just curious what Bees who follow this rule would do. And just a polite reminder, this isn't to debate the 'cover your plate' idea, just a query for people who follow it :)