Spinoff- how did you determine who to choose as your bridesmaids

posted 3 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
1613 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Ap2010:  I chose my closest girlfriends who support my FI and me. I also chose my sisters.

I’m sorry but if you do not get along with my FI, that means you are not supportive of our union and do not deserve to stand up at the alter with me. 

Post # 4
2414 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: February 2015

I had it easy.  My sister is MOH.  She and I are very, very close.  She’s my best friend, so it was a no brainer.  (And she actually didn’t give me an option.  When I told her I was getting married she responded with “I’m maid of honour, right?”)  And then I have a group of 4 friends.  We all work together and we’re very close.  I have an extra girl on my side because I couldn’t possibly split them up and he’s just having his brothers/brother in law (he’s really close with all of them and he’s the youngest). He can’t choose between his friends, so he’s not having anyone else.

I’d think long and hard about friends that you aren’t still close with.  You see a lot of girls who choose someone they feel obligated to have in their party and it leads to disaster, drama, heart break.  I’ll be honest, my high school best friend and I stayed close through university until she became engaged.  I never warmed to her husband and the last time I saw her was her wedding.  There were other things that pulled us apart, but he was the catalyst.  I remember being hurt that I wasn’t a bridesmaid, but she totally made the right decision. 

Post # 5
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I specifically chose to not have any bridesmaid for a variety of reasons; one of the many reasons being avoiding the politics of picking people.  I feel like this is an option that no one seems to consider… like it’s mandatory to have attendants or something.  All of our close friends were there at our wedding just the same.  Just my two cents, for what it’s worth.

Had I decided to have a wedding party, would I have picked someone who was not supportive of my marriage to my fiance? Nope.

Also, if your wedding is not til Dec. 2018… I would highly advise not even thinking about this issue until Spring 2018.  That’s 5 years away, and your relationships with people can and will change over that time span.  Some people will fade out of your life; you’ll make new friends; you might rekindle a very old friendship; you might have a major fallout with your current BFF.  Do NOT make decisions until about 9 months or so before your wedding, for your own sake.

Post # 6
266 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

My cousin is my MOH, she was an easy choice because she’s the closest I’ve got to a sister and we’re really close, plus I knew she’d rock the role of MOH 🙂

Another bridesmaid is a best friend who has been a close friend since grade 1. Our familes and extended families have been close for all those years as well. She is a wonderful person and is one of those people who brings positive energy to everything she’s involved in. She was an obvious choice.

The next bridesmaid is a close friend that I made in my adult life. Her husband is a groomsman in the wedding and both of them are our best couple friends. We all worked together at some point or another and now none of work together but we still see each other regularly and ALWAYS have a great time.

The last bridesmaid is my mom….I know…thats weird to some people. However, she is truly my best friend and it just didn’t feel right not include her on this special selection of people in my life.

There are others I considered including in this group, some who I spent much of my life assuming they would be included, but I opted for a small group of people who I really feel supported by and it almost flatters me that they have agreed to celebrate with me.

Post # 7
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

I picked 3 girlfriends – two of whom I have known all my life, one of which has been a very close friend since college, and one of whom. I picked them because they are reliable, low key, and drama free, and I know I’ll have a good time getting ready with them that morning!

I don’t want a bachelorette and I am not DIYing ANYTHING so I don’t need help, just wonderful, reliable people.

I did not ask my best friend. She was not supportive (that is a huge understatement) when FI and I started dating, and though we have repaired the relationship somewhat, I don’t want her standing up there with me on the day. I only wanted people who fully support our relationship – also FI gets along with the 3 of them GREAT, so that will make the day even more fun!

I just asked my girls YESTERDAY so you like a previous poster said you certainly shouldn’t be thinking about doing it anytime soon if your wedding is that far out. I waited until the dust had settled from the engagement and we were well under a year out.


Post # 8
2831 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

my two best friends are my bridesmaids. FI has no choice in who i chose for my bridesmaids, just like i had no choice in who he chose for his groomsmen. my friends are my friends, his friends are his friends.

Post # 9
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

I chose my sister-in-law and my son to stand with me. DS was obvious. He was 13, so he was old enough to decide what role he wanted to play in the wedding, and I was thrilled that he wanted to stand with me. I chose my SIL because I adore her, and I know that she would do anything and everything within her power to support us throughout our marriage. She and my brother are there to celebrate with us in the good times and help us get through the rough times. I had several friends who were also options, but I wanted to keep the bridal party small and simple, and didn’t want to get into playing favorites. I did have these friends with me in the bridal suite, treated them to gifts/hair/make-up, and generally acted as though they were bridesmaids. I love them dearly, and I’m so glad I got to celebrate with them in their non-official role as my cheering squad.

To the question in the OP- No, I would not choose someone who was not in absolute support of my marriage. The bridal party is there as a symbol of standing up for the union. It would feel insincere to know that someone was standing up for me and my marriage in name only.

Post # 10
4959 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I chose my sister (MOH), 3 closest friends, my FI’s sister and his two cousins (who are like sisters to him). I prob wouldn’t have chosen his cousins BUT he was originally going to have 12!!! groomsman. Luckily he cut that down to 8 so it’s 8 and 7 now. 

I’m not sure I’d choose someone who didn’t support my marriage. Why do they not get along?

Post # 11
1022 posts
Bumble bee

I chose my sister and his sister, which were no-brainers for me. We both only have one and I knew that if I didn’t include my sister, despite the fact we do not really get along that I would cause family drama and I would probably end up regretting it. As for his sister, we are close and she means a lot to me, I’ve always seen her as my little sister.

Friend #1 that I asked well she is a good friend and I chose her based on that. Then shit hit the fan. She told friend #2 that she didn’t support the marrige, though that I was making a huge mistake, said that I was far too good for DH, and basically that he is all brawn and no brains. You bet her ass got fired as a BM

Friend #2 is my female other half in life. We went to school together in Iceland and have a very special and deep bond.

Friend #3 who took friend #1’s spot, is engaged to one of Dh’s groomsmen. I really like her, we get along great, we are a lot closer now then we were before. She was a soild choice. She was also my wedding rock, she listened to every breakdown and kept me away from the BM drama.

Post # 12
895 posts
Busy bee

I chose people that we can share lifelong memories with, not current friends that might fade. I chose my best friend, my cousin, my step sister, and my FSIL. I chose people that I will be close with far after the wedding because the mothers in my family all said they chose close friends at the time and after marriage and kids they haven’t seen them since. 

Post # 13
1157 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

I chose my best friend as MOH – that was a no brainer for me, as she is to date the only person I have ever felt is a true best friend.  It’s a little hard because she lives 5 hours away so we don’t see each other often, but totally fine.

My 2 other bridesmaids are the 2 ladies who I felt were most supportive of me, my FI, and our upcoming wedding.  They’re very good friends of mine, but apart from that, they’re incredibly supportive and helpful.

For me, I realized that I was texting/calling these specific 3 people with any big news first, or for advice first, etc.

I felt like I should choose my FI’s sister at first, but I’m so glad I didn’t.  Go with your gut.

I would not choose someone who doesn’t support both me and my FI.

Post # 14
10886 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

I chose three of my four dearest friends from throughout my life and asked them to be bridesmaids.  I also asked my DH’s two daughters and his DIL as well as my own SIL to be in the wedding, because all of them were or would become my family.  Finally, I asked my “niece” (the daughter of one of my two closest friends and matrons of honor) to be a junior bridesmaid, because this young girl has been like a daughter to me. We are extremely close.

I asked two of my other dear friends to sing and be a reader in my wedding, respectively.

Post # 16
863 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@Ap2010:  Meh, it depends. If they were a super close friend and they didn’t personally like FH, but they respected our relationship and they were happy for me then I might have them as a BM. 

Okay, this is so lame but I comprised a checklist. It’s not that I was looking to build the perfect bridal party or anything like that, I was afraid that I would end up with a bunch of high school friends or 100 bridesmaids if I didn’t have some kind of guideline. I didn’t view choosing my BMs as a competition, and I know that I made the right choices because I really feel like the honor is all mine.

So here is my checklist:

  • We have a good relationship
  • They are supportive of me and my relationship with FH
  • They wouldn’t think of being a BM as a chore or obligation
  • We feel like family in some way
  • I realistically see us still speaking in 10 years
  • If we don’t speak in 10 years, I wouldn’t regret having them as a BM
  • They have been there for me through some shit
  • They love me
  • I can be mysef around them
  • I can talk to them about my fears and anxieties
  • I couldn’t imagine our wedding day without them

Criteria that disqualifies someone: 

  • We have a very complicated friendship – I’m not having a BM who I love and hate equally because that always seems to bring drama
  • We were close at one point in my life but have since grown apart a lot 
  • They don’t respect my relationship with FH,
  • I can count on them to make me feel upset/angry/uncomfortable 

FH looked over my checklist too and we ended up with a huge bridal party! We agreed that anything over 7 each is too much for us. I have 7 BMs and FH has 6 GMs, we also each got an ‘honorable mention’ person who would do a reading. SO yeah, a bridal party of 13, 3 readings, 2 flower girls and a ring bearer. We have a loooooooot of thank you gifts to buy. 

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