Spinoff: If you married in your 20s and divorced

posted 3 years ago in 30 Something
  • poll: What went wrong?
    Just too young : (34 votes)
    36 %
    Difference in values : (8 votes)
    8 %
    Not the person you thought they where : (35 votes)
    37 %
    Cheating : (18 votes)
    19 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    975 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Banff, Alberta

    @sequinlove:  I’ve been in three long term relationships (2 years, 3 years and currently going on 4 years). Each time I thought we were going to last, thought about our future and marriage. HS boyfriend I realized we had very little in common and didn’t care about most of his interests and he didn’t care about mine. He didn’t put me first. College boyfriend went through some trauma (lost a finger), then lost his job and turned into the extreme version of himself, played games 24/7, depressed, wouldn’t leave the house. He turned into someone else but at the same time he didn’t, he was always selfish, depressed and a pig. I realized I wanted a better quality of life.

    I think this happened because I was changing, I was realizing exactly what I wanted, who I wanted to be with, what I needed out of life and a man. 

    Post # 4
    Member
    547 posts
    Busy bee

    @sequinlove:  I have a friend who married at 21 because she got pregnant. She dumped him, found out she was pregnant, they got back together and married. They divorced in July after 9 years of narriage. They just weren’t right for each other and never should have married. He also started up an affair with a coworker and is now with her. They’re having a baby in February and are engaged. He obviously didn’t learn his lesson.

    Another friend of mine married last year at 23 and is in the process of a divorce. They married after being together almost 9 years and didn’t last 6 mos before she filed for divorce. They are too volatile with eachother and are both cheaters.

    Post # 5
    Member
    896 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2009

    @sequinlove:  If it makes you feel any better, I got married right after I turned 21.  We are going on 4.5 years of marriage (over 7 together) and still not wanting a divorce.  🙂  

    I am not saying we will never get divorced because I cannot possibly know that, but so far so good…

    ETA:  My husband is 8 years my senior, though.  Not sure how I would feel if I had married someone my age.  I can’t tell ’cause I’ve not been in the situation. 

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    2355 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I generally think it’s better to get married around 25 or older, but not all young marriages are doomed. I have seen both good marriages and bad. I know a couple that married at 19 and have been happily married with babies and everything now for 10 years. I also know some that married and had problems with cheating or immaturity.

    Post # 7
    Member
    56 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2014 - local park

    I haven’t been married before, but my fiance has.  I questioned him extensively about why his first marriage failed and why he thought ours would.  He is very open with me about this.  He said mainly, his first marriage failed because he wasn’t happy.  He wasn’t happy going in, he didn’t really want to get married, but he figured this is what love is…we’ve been together 4 years and don’t really have a reason to break up, guess we should get married.  It was just the natural order of things.  He says he knew right away things were different with me, and he would never get married again just because he felt like it was the next evolutionary step of the marriage.

    Post # 8
    Member
    1275 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    I’m going to be rude here and it’s not going to be a popular opinion.

     

    I’m 22, FI is 23.  We have been dating since high school and engaged for almost two years now.  I finish my bachelor’s in December and that’s when he finishes his master’s.  He has a job lined up, I have a big fat question mark right now (either student teaching or job hunting) but his job pays MORE than enough to cover all of our living expenses and a comfortable amount of spending/fun money as well as savings for the wedding.  He already makes more than either of our parents did and soon (5-10 years) will make more than both of our parents combined ever did.  If I don’t find a job I’m absolutely thrilled with, I’ll go to grad school and get myself one 🙂

     

    When people on this website say early twenties is too young to get married, I want to laugh.  I don’t think there’s a person in our lives who thinks we aren’t ready.  I think it’s true that early twenties is too young for a large amount of people, but these people I picture were marginal high school students with no college completed, live with their parents or barely scrape by month-to-month, and are immature/self-centered.  While this does make up a huge amount of twenty-somethings, it’s certainly not all of them!

     

    Looking around at my peers and friends, I’m always pleasantly surprised to find …. we really have our shit together lol.  And I’m really not down with listening to people on the internet say I’m too young when they don’t know me and if they were too immature for marriage at my age then that’s THEIR prerogative and fifty shades of completely irrelevent to me and my life.

     

    I think that when people say “oh I was just too young to get married” it generally means they were too immature to put forth the effort to make a marriage work past the honeymoon and butterflies.  They didn’t have their values sorted out and didn’t know who, exactly, they were quite yet, but they don’t want to own up to that so they say they were too young and we are supposed to just infer that that means immature or self-centered or unrealistic because that’s what they really mean, not that they hadn’t had enough birthday cakes yet.  I think it has NOTHING to do with age whatsoever.  Some people wake up at 33 still perpetually uncertain and still have no direction in life.  Certainly there are less people like that at 33 than at 23, but correlation doesn’t prove causation.

     

    Do your thing.  Don’t let an internet poll dictate how you should feel about your life.

    ETA:

    I think young couples are MORE LIKELY to end up getting married because of an unplanned pregnancy or because of wedding fever, or whatever, than older couples, because each person has grown more as an individual and is more self-reliant and stable.  But not all young couples get married for the abovementioned reasons

    and I DO NOT understand arbitrarily throwing out a number and saying “marriages after this age are OK.”  Makes no sense.  Age and corresponding maturity are so different for everyone

    Post # 9
    Member
    1802 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I’m not married yet, and I don’t plan on getting married until I’m 23-25, but I agree with PPs that it just depends on the couple.

    I think you really have to know who you are yourself, and also who you both are as a couple. Have you guys been through anything major together? Financial hardships, familial issues, etc. can cause giant rifts, and if you haven’t experienced working through something together that can cause a great strain on your relationship. 

    I have friends who have gotten married very young. I knew a girl who got married at 21, but she was a young 21 because she had just finished high school two months before she married. She was divorced within six months. She just felt like she would never be able to have a life outside of her marriage. It depends on how you are as a couple. A lot of people say that their careers or traveling come before marriage, but then some people are able to work on that while being married. My SO and I both love traveling, so we are able to do it together. If I decided tomorrow that I wanted to take a job in Europe, we would find a way to make it work and he would support me. If I wanted to drop out of school and start a business, I’m sure he would go along with that too! I support him in the decisions that he makes even though that means him staying at his lousy job for now while he decides whether he wants to get his masters or what. There has to be some kind of compromise. When you’re married you can’t just decide that you want to take a job ten hours away from where you are currently living and expect your husband to give up his job, friends, family, etc. to go out with you. 

    I’ve also seen a lot of women around my age that tend to get the bored housewife syndrome. Most of the people I know marrying in their early twenties have never gone to college or gotten more than a part time job in retail. They end up finishing high school, working for lousy pay for a little bit, and then staying at home having kids. I’m not judging the lifestyle, but there is more to life than just marriage, housekeeping and children. There weren’t many opportunities that we have today for women in the past, so I think it’s natural that these women start to feel curious about what they are missing out on. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1400 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @sequinlove:  I think one thing about that thread is that it asks about the age 20 years old specifically. Personally I feel that I had a lot of formative experiences that helped me mature a lot between the day I turned 20 and a year and four months later, when I met my fiancé. We’re getting married a couple weeks after I turn 24 🙂 I wasn’t ready to be engaged to someone right when I turned 22, but I was 6 months later, so I don’t see any reason your marriage shouldn’t last!

    Post # 11
    Member
    2968 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2015

    I know of five couples who got married in their 20s. Three are divorced and two are still together. However, all three marriages that didn’t work out either had problems to begin with and/or were the means to an end. One got married because she thought that it was the easiest way to get away from her dysfunctional family, another got married to get residency and another got married because she loved him despite all the warning signs and I am just so freaking grateful that she got out of that relationship alive.

    But the other two couples have very strong marriages. One had their first child a couple of years ago and is planning on having another.

    There will always be exceptions to the general trends and you know your relationship better than anyone else does.

    Post # 12
    Member
    9137 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL

    @sequinlove:  I didn’t know he was just telling me what I wanted to hear rather than what he actually meant. It took me 3 miserable years to learn he didn’t want kids and he didn’t want to be married. It sucked. I was too young and naive to know any better.

    Post # 13
    Member
    2305 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    I got married at 21 (after 5 years with DH), but we’ve only been married about 9 months so I can’t offer a whole lot of personal testimony.

    However, I did go back and dig up some statistics that I had quoted on an earlier thread I posted here on WB.

    • 59 percent of marriages for women under the age of 18 end in divorce within 15 years. The divorce rate drops to 36 percent for those married at age 20 or older. (“Cohabitation, Marriage, Divorce and Remarriage in the United States,” M.D. Bramlett and W.D. Mosher)
    • 60 percent of marriages for couples between the ages of 20 and 25 end in divorce. (National Center for Health Statistics)
    • 50 percent of all marriages in which the brides are 25 or older result in a failed marriage. (National Center for Health Statistics)


    It might surprise you to see that once you hit 20, the divorce statistics for younger marriages are not actually that drastically different than marriages in which the partners were in their late 20s. (You’d never think that from reading some of the posts here on the Bee.) So just because you’re 22 doesn’t mean your marriage is destined to fail. 🙂

    Leave a comment


    Sent weekly. You may unsubscribe at any time.

    Find Amazing Vendors