SPINOFF: Is living together before marriage a deal-breaker?

posted 1 year ago in Relationships
  • poll: Would you marry someone without previously living with them?
    Yes, I dont believe in living together for personal/religious reasons : (39 votes)
    15 %
    No, I believe living together before marriage is essential : (151 votes)
    58 %
    Other-depends on circumstances : (59 votes)
    23 %
    I like to vote in polls : (11 votes)
    4 %
  • Member
    7821 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    I really think it depends on your situation, but I cannot imagine marrying someone without living with them first.  Living with someone you really see the best and worst sides of them.  I am a very careful, thoughtful, slow to act person- I never thought I would get married- so I was definitely going to live with someone first for awhile before they convinced me that we could get married and nothing would change because things are already great.  (Which was the only way I would marry someone!)

    Member
    896 posts
    Busy bee

    I would not date someone who required me to live with him before proposing.  I would break up with him as soon as I found out he held that view, regardless of him suggesting I move in yet or not.

     

    Member
    4591 posts
    Honey bee

    I couldn’t imagine not living with someone before we got married. FH and I had a good relationship before, but I’m glad we are living together before the wedding. We’ve seen the best and worst sides of each other. We have discovered annoying habits that we have that we get to address and deal with now rather than spending the first few months of our marriage being absolutely annoyed with each other because FH doesn’t know how to use a clothes basket. 

    Unless there were special circumstances, living together is a must for me. 

    Member
    4836 posts
    Honey bee

    I would never have married anyone who I hadn’t lived with first. Someone who didn’t want to cohabit pre-marriage wouldn’t have been right for me anyway.

    Member
    15 posts
    Newbee

    I do not believe in living together before marriage, which is a part of my faith.  My husband shares my viewpoint, and this was very important to both of us.  We learned what we needed to know about each other while dating, seeing each other every day, and going through pre-marital counseling.  We moved together the night of our wedding.  We’ve been married for 9 months, and things have been great!

    Member
    2034 posts
    Buzzing bee

    FI and I shocked ourselves by living together before marriage– it wasn’t in the plans at all, but both of our roommates moved out the same month, 10 months before our wedding. I would have married him without living with him, but not without some type of “let’s see if we can live together” experiment. We took 2 week vacations which gave us a sort of clue that we could live together and did multiple night sleepovers that were enough for me. I would not marry someone who I had not done weekday sleepovers with.

    Member
    3778 posts
    Honey bee

    Originally DH and I had planned on not living together until we were married. Just something that I only wanted to do until married, a little bit of religious influence on that but mostly a personal preference (my reasoning was I never wanted to go through a break up while living with that person). I told DH I would possibly consider living with him once we were engaged if need be (obviously more of a commitment there so significantly less likely to have a break up). I lost my job with the military (due to defense budget cuts) and didn’t want to move all the way back up to VA so I essentially (physically but not completely on paper) moved in with FI 4 months prior to the wedding (all my stuff was in storage until the month before). I kind of was a transient, living at both my parent’s house AND DH’s house. I would spend a few weeks to a month at each place. Between planning for the wedding up in VA and wanting to visit with him down in FL it worked. Had I not lost my job, I would have stayed in my own house until the wedding. 

    With all of this though, I was supposed to have a new job (outside of the military) in Texas… and DH was already looking for a new job (they were closing down his store *can you guess what dying retail company?). In Texas as well. We were going to have the wedding in Texas and he was going to move in once his store shut down (a few months prior to the wedding) But that job fell through and DH got a really good manager job with a growing retail company (thank goodness) in FL and we moved the wedding to where my hometown in VA. So yea our situation was super complicated… Oh and we were doing the long distance thing for about 10 months prior to me losing my job. 

    So what did all of that say?? lol Basically I planned on not doing it.. but financial situations and the distance it would have imposed upon us made me change my mind about living together. BUT I still would never have moved in with him if we weren’t already engaged.

    Member
    1121 posts
    Bumble bee

    Ideally, I’d like to move in together at engagement-at that point, I would be almost certain that this was the person I should marry, but if I found out something crazy, like he was cooking meth in his basement, I would still have time to get out.

    I would have a problem if someone wanted to move in together in the early stages of the relationship because a) I like my independence, b) I see living together as a way to confirm compatibilty, not to test it out in the first place and c) I want to avoid, if at all possible, going through a breakup with someone I lived with. 

    On the other side, if we couldn’t move in until after the wedding, I would still go through with it, provided that we had been together for at least three years and we had done some long trips/visits together. This is influenced by the fact that my parents didn’t live together before marriage and they said they had a fairly seamless transition (but they dated for six years and we friends for several years before that.)

    Member
    2034 posts
    Buzzing bee

    @moleskinlover:  Absolutely– it is like living with any new roommate. There is some adjustment, but the adjustment to him was the same when I moved in with my best friends. It was really easy. Doing the weekday hangouts made us realize we could live with each other’s quirks. So the living 24/7 (or realistically, the 1 awake hour we have before work and 3 hours before bed), has gone smoothly. I know he reuses water cups for days and doesn’t put them in the dishwasher, he knows my long hair will be everywhere. Those were known annoyances. The only real challenge we had was physically combining stuff and the transition of what stuff is mine, his, and ours.

    Member
    5445 posts
    Bee Keeper

    I think it depends on your situation and preferences and there is no right or wrong. I’m pretty traditional and never planned to live with a guy before marriage but due to many circumstances, we didn’t have much choice and it worked best for us. For the past few years I’ve been really sick, and he was essentially my caretaker. I needed him to help me, and for us it has been the right decision. But I think it’s ok either way!

    Member
    2298 posts
    Buzzing bee

    I am completely non-religious and have no moral qualms with living together. But I was not interested in living together before being engaged as at least pretty close to the wedding date.

    It’s mostly practical. It is much harder to split up when you share a lease/bed/toaster, and ai never wanted to stay in the relationship because it was too much hassle to break up. I know people like that.

    I was committed enough to not living together that when I moved 3 hours to be close to FI, we did not move in together. I moved into my grandmother’s basement. And I owned a home in the other city, so this was a pretty big sacrifice for me.

    Right now it is looking like I am going to rent a home in the next month, and FI will move in at the end of Februrary when his lease is up. Our wedding is 5 weeks later.

    Member
    831 posts
    Busy bee

    i wouldn’t marry someone without living with them first. there is sooo much to learn by living with someone 24/7 vs. just dating.

    Member
    960 posts
    Busy bee

    SO and I aren’t moving in together until we are engaged, but that’s because we both agree that it could create a “stagnate” phase in our relationship. And the end game for me in a relationship is marriage.

    But I wouldn’t marry anyone without living with them first. Better to be engaged and living together and find out something doesn’t work than already married IMO.

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