Spinoff* People who RSVP no to your wedding…

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 2
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

I think if someone RSVP’ed yes and didn’t show up I’d be pissed.. other than that if you can’t make it I’ll catch you when I’m a Mrs. *shrug*

Then again I haven’t sent out invites yet lol

Uh but I just noticed something.. ur sending out invites a year early? errrr… are you having a DW?….

Post # 3
Member
2455 posts
Buzzing bee

BWLE:  I’d rather get a “no” rsvp than a no-show. If I get any no rsvps, I’ll be a little hurt considering we’re only inviting 20 people and they’re immediate family 😉 but other than that I’d be thinking “one less person I have to feed!” because I’m cheap! lol!

Post # 4
Member
42453 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

BWLE: Even with a year to plan, I don’t think anyone owes me a “valid explanation”. If they can’t come, they can’t come.

They may not be able to take time off from work. Not everybody gets to take vacation when they want. They may not be be to afford it. There are many other reasons that people decline an invitation.

Post # 5
Member
858 posts
Busy bee

We only had a few “no’s” to our wedding, and everyone had a legit reason. Regardless of the reason or not… it didnt really bother us. The ones that bothered us were the people that said yes and then didnt show or changed their minds a day or two before because they had to work or something lol. Like you, we had a lot of thought to our guest list, and everyone invited were not extended and only very close to us. 

Minus a few first cousins, but that would have been rude not to invite them. Even though a few of them didnt show after rsvp’ing yes. 

Some may say its rude to have harsh feelings towards these people, but these people have to realize the stress nd detail it takes to plan a wedidng and if you are willing to last minute not attend, it makes you feel like you are of less importance. Right?

The people that didnt show, i just learned i would no longer drop my life for them. But i am one of those people. I dont just put in 50%, i put in %1000. 

Post # 6
Member
2675 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014 - Madison, WI

Everyone who said “no” to us had their reasons, family vacation, too far to travel etc…

We had some people apologize a lot since some of them knew they would not attend our wedding but would attend BIL’s wedding three months later, but it was all about location and timing. I know it wasn’t personal.

We understood, a few were really disappointing only because we would have loved to have them there (very close family members) but it all worked out.

Post # 8
Member
6503 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

We have said no the three weddings so far this year (and will be declining at least one more). We live about seven hours from our family so no amount of advanced notice makes us want to travel that far three times in two months.

I had one aunt who RSVPed no that was unexpected but beyond that I think almost everyone else I expected to attend said yes. I don’t think it’s fair to get upset if someone says no without an explanation because really, it’s none of your business. They may be having financial issues or might not be able to get off of work. 

We had a few people not show up. Only one from my side and they had an excellent excuse, I never really talked to the people on DH’s side that skipped anyways.

If you do get some “no” RSVPs just try not to take it personally. I know it’s disappointing and that it is an important day but it’s not as important to everyone else as it is to you. 

ETA: we once knew about a wedding in advance and still planned a vacation during it because it was the only time that summer that my parents and brother could make the trip with us. 

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 4 months ago by  .
Post # 9
Member
2654 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

BWLE:  err… well I think there are several good reasons people may not be able to make it (ex: vacation is already planned for a year ahead) especially if it’s destination

A hard lesson every bride has to learn is our weddings aren’t as important to us as they are to everyone else. so sadly, I have to say I don’t think it’s a huge deal

Post # 10
Member
1566 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

BWLE:  We received a number of declines when we got our RSVPs back. I didn’t reach out to ask for reasons. I figure they had a reason, so why create drama.

We had a couple no-shows at the wedding from people who had RSVPed yes. One was an aunt who was dealing with illness, and two were a couple who had to go rescue her mother in another city after she fell and fractured her hip that day. I got the message they’d texted me the next day when I got my phone back.

We did have a number of non-responders who we just marked as declines. They were relatives of my husband who are somewhat estranged. We didn’t expect them to come, but wanted to open the lines of communication, anyways.

 

On the other hand, I have RSVPed no to a wedding or two. One was on the same day as another wedding I had already committed to and was halfway across the country. I declined one that is in a couple weeks because I’m low on vacation time and flights there are $$$, even when I looked far ahead of RSVPing. When I get an invitation, I’ll check my calendar, check my vacation balance, and see if the plans to travel for it make sense. If it’s a very close friend or relative, I’ll make it happen. If it’s someone I haven’t talked to in 6 months, then I’m more apt to decline if the travel/cost situation is prohibitive.

Post # 12
Member
242 posts
Helper bee

The weddings I couldn’t attend was due to not being able to take time off work and not being able to afford to travel to it. Like another poster said, not everyone has the ability to take time off work and afford the expenses. I wouldn’t take it personally, you don’t know everyone’s financial situation. As long as you know ahead of time. I do understand getting a yes and then having them back out would really hurt and be added stress for no reason. Just be honest, right?

Post # 13
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

BWLE:  Traditional etiquette–that dreadful thing that so many around here like to discard when it doesn’t suit them–did suggest that one should only decline for illness or other serious reasons.  However, weddings occupied a very different status as socially connecting events in communities back when those books were written.  Indeed, the “achievement” of getting married occupied a very different place in the lives of the couple–especially, of course, the woman–than it does for many people these days.  Given the shifts in the roles that weddings play in the community fabric and in the lives of the people getting married, the paucity of vacation time/decreasing wage power for workers in the USA, etc. I do not think it is reasonable to expect people to drop everything and shell out lots of money, give up vacation time, etc. to attend a wedding.  

And one of the reasons that I dally on my RSVP if I’m going to RSVP ‘no’ is because I fear getting grilled about why I don’t want to spend loads of time and money on someone’s wedding, especially if it is a DW (I will be thrice-damned before I spent vacation time on some beach resort or cruise, two things I hate more than I can express–the only two people in this world who are important enough to me to make me grit my teeth through such a thing are, thank God, already married).

However, I do not tend to run in a social circle where getting married is seen as a particularly massive end-goal or achievement, so as long as I was not declining all of my friends’ invitations and continued to support them through most of their big life moments (graduations, promotions, etc.), all would be well.

Post # 14
Member
2270 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

BWLE:  On the flip side, I just recently RSVP’d no.  The invite I received was from a former co-worker who I’m not friends with.  We were on a friendly basis at the office, but never someone I socialized outside of work with.  I don’t have a good reason other than I really don’t want to leave work early to attend the wedding of someone I’m not close to. 

Post # 15
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee

To add to my above post (oh how I loathe the brief edit window): first, even though I dally on ‘no’ RSVPs, I do get them in before the deadline, though usually just barely.  Second, just because I do not attend a wedding doesn’t mean that I don’t provide support both materially (through gifts) and otherwise to my friends, both around the time of the wedding and during their married lives.  Third, I 100% agree with you that it is a very poor reflection on a guest to RSVP yes and then not show.  That is really rude to the hosts!

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