Post # 1
- Wedding: January 2013 - Harbourfront Grand Hall
There have been a lot of posts about abusive relationships that I’ve noticed recently and in every single one of them someone tells the OP that she has no self respect for staying in the situation.
I get that that is your opinion, but do you really think that it helps the OP to say that? If I were her and reading that this would be my face:
It’s not an empowering thing to hear that people think you have no self-respect, it seems like a put down to me. And most of these comments come from people that say they’ve never been in such a situation, so how can you judge the mindset of the abused?
I’m not meaning to yell at anyone but am curious what you’re trying to do when you say that? Do you think it’s encouraging?
Post # 3
I think someone came on the big bad Internet and asked for an opinion & they got one.
Post # 4
@deetroitwhat: Are you suggesting that people on the Internet are MEAN? I’ve never heard of that before!
Post # 5
I do agree that someone saying you have no self-respect is hurtful to hear. But…I mean, it is kind of true. If you really did respect yourself, you wouldn’t be staying in an abusive relationship.
But for every post on this site that is about an abusive relationship, I’ve found most of the bees’s responses to be helpful and kind, while also trying to give the OP the facts that the abuser will never change.
Post # 6
As a formerly battered wife I can tell you that I was told the same thing, even by one close friend in whom I confided. And I wondered how a woman like me could ever be in that situation. The psychological implications became clear to me. I grew up with a father who, while very intelligent, educated and wealthy, made my life a living hell for years because of his vicious violent temper directed towards me. It predisposed me to not “getting” that abusive behavior was all that odd or abnormal. I was conditioned towards living with it, I guess you could say.
However, deep inside myself always, even as a child, there remained a kernel of strength and dignity I clung to with all my heart and soul. I knew I was worthy of being treated with respect. I always treated others with respect and never once resorted to the kind of behavior I was subjected to. I was never a bully or child abuser when I grew older. I was proud that I didn’t lower myself to that level.
Then, I married an abusive man. I was at that time a successful, college educated adult who had been away from the bad home environment for many years. Suddenly my life became surreal because I’d though that part of my life was over. Living with bruises and terror again was not what I expected. It took me six years of enduring hell to get away with my life intact. The last thing I ever needed was for anyone, especially a “friend,” to add to my pain by pointing out my apparent lack of self-esteem or self-respect.
So I, for one, will never tell an abused woman she has no self-respect. Unless you’ve been there you cannot imagine the emotional daily horror you have to endure just to survive. I emerged from that ordeal to a blessed, happy, productive life with an amazing son and married the real love of my life last year. It was a journey I would never want to repeat. But being with my husband now, and being loved by a man like him, makes every single thing I ever suffered in my entire life worthwhile.
Post # 7
@MrsPanda99: Maybe not in Grand Haven, but in Detroit they are :O
All jokes aside, I’ve had it with people giving real-talk labeled as mean or bullies. All advice, for the most part, is well-intended.
Post # 8
I think it’s important to remember that if you are asking for opinions/advice be prepared to receive it.
Post # 9
@mchitt329: I think it but I don’t say it. Even though I’ve never been in a physically abusive relationship I was in an emotionally abusive one and after it was all done I realized no, I most certainly didn’t have any respect for myself. It’s a hard thing to hear when you are being abused, but the intention of the advice-gover is to make them realize that they are keeping themselves in a dangerous situation. It’s hard to get through to people who are “stuck” in a relationship.
Post # 10
I think there are better ways to try to help someone in an abusive situation other than telling them they have no self respect.
Post # 11
@mchitt329: It sounds like the intention would be to say:
“You need to have respect for yourself and leave”
in an advising way. Even if they word it “women who stay in abusive relationships have no self respect” I don’t think they mean it as a put down.
I think someone posting that is trying to bring to light the fact that by staying with an abuser you are not respecting yourself. You cannot allow anyone to take your dignity from you. It may not always come across in the most heart felt manner, but the intentions are good.
Post # 12
I’m all for getting the advice you ask for… However. I believe there are better ways to say something than by putting someone down..
Post # 13
@mchitt329: I whole heartedly agree with you. I’ve been in that situation – it doesn’t help and can actually make you sink even further into the situation you are stuck in. Thank you for bringing this to the attention of those who may not have thought about the fact that those words are actually negative!
I find people can sometimes forget that these posters and REAL PEOPLE, many of who are looking for advise and support. Sometimes people turn to these boards as a last resort when they have no one else left to turn to. The advise being offered could be being received by a woman who is alone, scared, in tears. Do we forget this?? I find that people find it too easy to hide behind the excuse that it’s the internet and anything is fair game. It’s unneccesary. Why not try to help each other out instead of bringing each other down? Would you not rather be a person who helped pick someone up rather than be the one to kick them into the mud? The angry, mean and hurtful posts I see on here regularly break my heart. There is being blunt/truthful and there is being flat out rude. You want to offer someone your true feelings about the situation? Find a nice way to do it!! For goodness sake, the world has enough crap going on without us adding to it.
Rant over Sorry for hijacking your post OP…..thank you again for bringing forward an important issue!!
Post # 14
I agree with you. This drives me nuts. By definition, the cycle of abuse involves the gradual erosion of the victim’s self-esteem and sense of worth. Telling an abused person they lack self-respect is a) totally unhelpful and probably counterproductive and b) so obvious that it doesn’t bear saying. But, hey, what’s the internet for if not stridently proclaiming the profoundly obvious to as many people as will listen?
Post # 15
@mchitt329: I think people that say that simply haven’t been in an abusive relationship, and they don’t think it could ever happen to them. I used to be like that. I would listen to other women tell their stories, and I would think, “That would never happen to me. I respect myself too much. If a guy ever did that to me, I’d be out of there so fast.”
And then it did happen to me, and I didn’t react at all like I thought I would. I stayed for two years too long. It wasn’t because I didn’t respect myself. It was because I didn’t know what options I had. He had my money. He had the respect of our friends. I was terrified my parents would not support my decision to leave.
When I finally did leave – on my second attempt – I was prepared to lose everything. Everything I owned, everyone I loved.
Post # 16
@mchitt329: I totally understand that. I don’t LIKE to talk about my past situation, but whenever people start asking what to do and mention that they are in an abusive past, I share my story in the hopes that it will help.
I personally don’t like it when I read ‘where’s your self respect’. With that said…I didn’t have self respect at ALL when I was in my past relationship. It does hold some truth.
I was a little frustrated last night. I made my post to a fellow bee who was reaching out for help. I let OP know that I could not think of any men who have changed and worked through their abuse. So, OP made a spin off ‘Has anyone worked through an abusive relationship’. I decdied to stay OFF of that as I had nothing to contribute, and when I got online this morning, there was a bunch of people who the post wasn’t even for posting left and right about the OPs lack of self respect!! UGH.
Anyway, that’s my VENT for the day. I love you bees, we are all supportive here. I think some people are just trying to show support by getting that OP to wake up and get out already.