Spinoff sorta: When would you divorce?

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would make you willing to divorce?
    Abuse : (260 votes)
    32 %
    Infidelity : (194 votes)
    24 %
    Mental illness/addiction and refuses help : (169 votes)
    21 %
    I met someone better : (6 votes)
    1 %
    One of us fell out of love : (70 votes)
    9 %
    I feel like I want a change/bored/just want to : (4 votes)
    0 %
    Physical infirmity : (7 votes)
    1 %
    He stops doing something I want him to (supporting financially, pleasing in bedroom, whatever) : (20 votes)
    2 %
    Our goals changed and no longer align : (75 votes)
    9 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    3097 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: April 2013 - A court...

    @Bebealways:  

    vote first three though depends what type of infidelity I suppose. And also like to.add constant lying. That would drive me crazy.

    Post # 4
    Member
    1275 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014

    @Bebealways:  I’m sad to say I’d probably try to forgive someone for physically hurting me more readily than I would for infidelity. It would take lots and lots and lots of counseling but I’d be more willing to try to work on an anger problem than on a cheating problem which I’m aware is …. not normal. I have no explanation, either /worstfeministever

    I also included the misalignment of goals but man I don’t know. They’d have to be drastically different and sudden. As in, like, DH wants to move into a monestary or decides to take another wife or comes out as gay or becomes a member of the KKK. None of these are concerns of mine haha but if he wouldn’t budge, then yeah, I’d probably get a divorce.

    Post # 5
    Member
    3673 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2015

    The three As: abuse, adultery, or addiction. I would hope that FI and I could work through anything else on that list.

    Post # 6
    Member
    5087 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2014

    The top 3 and yeah LYING is the biggy. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    1234 posts
    Bumble bee

    I refuse to tolerate abuse, especially if there are children involved. I also voted for the third option. My mother has BPD, and even though I would want to help my SO if he ever battled mental illness or addiction, he has to want help first. If he refused it, I would walk away. I never want my children to think of me the way I think of my dad. losing their respect for me because I turned a blind eye to something that was tearing the very foundations of our family apart.

    I also voted for the option that he stops doing something I want him too, but I probably should have put other. I mean, if he ever stops making an effort: if he loses his job and refuses to find another, if we have issues and he refuses to discuss them, etc. A relationship is a two-way street.

    However, I did not vote infidelity. That one depends. Was it a drunk one-night stand? No, I would stay with him IF he was willing to completely drop drinking. Are we having issues that led to cheating? He has to be willing to go to counselling. But if I found out he cheated and it was an ongoing thing then I would probably leave.

    Post # 8
    Member
    2630 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    This sounds weird, but I’d only be able to get past the first instance of infidelity. Even if it were an affair, depending on the circumstances, I would probably be able to work through it with a whole lot of intense therapy. However, if he slipped again, I’d be out. At that point, it’s a pattern, and I would not want to deal with it. I didn’t know whether to check infidelity on the poll and decided not to just FYI.

    I did check abuse (any kind) and mental illness without seeking help. I thought about falling out of love, but honestly the only way that would happen would be through abuse, infidelity, or mental illness/no help. If he turned into a completely different person in every major way, then that would probably cause it, too, but that’s getting too far into “unlikely” country.

    Oh I thought of another one: if he were to go to jail for a very long time or life with him actually being guilty. If he were innocent, I’d fight for his freedom.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2132 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2015

    Abuse- definately; infidelity/mental illness/addiction- maybe/not immediately, depends on the circumstances. Any of the others would have to be part of a huge dysfunction in the relationship to consider it. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    1226 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    Abuse, infidelity, and addiction but only if he refused to seek help. As for mental illness, FI and I both have mental illness already so if I wasn’t up for dealing with the occasional breakdown, I wouldn’t be marrying him and he’d say the same about me. However, if either one of us got a lot worse and flat out refused to get help, that might be grounds for separation.

    Post # 11
    Member
    370 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    As far as I’m concerned “till death do you part” is literal. I’m signing on for whatever may come so long as we face it together. I know things are going to be rough at times but I also know we are both resourceful enough to find solutions and strong enough to hold each other up when the other falters. If it creates an unhealthy environment for any future children we may have to spend some time apart but I’m not giving up without one hell of a fight.

    Post # 12
    Member
    4540 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: May 2014 - Royalton White Sands

    If he’s willing to get help, I’ll stay in the marriage, though separation could definitely be in the cards. 

    If he’s not willing to change… abuse, infidelity (multiple times or an emotional affair), or addiction. We’re planning to have kids, so I’d have to put their health and development over my hate for divorce. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    2247 posts
    Buzzing bee

    Abuse, Infidelity or Mental illness/addiction and refuses help would be straight divorce for me.
    I don’t believe that ‘falling out of love’ is a thing – I think people stop putting their husband/wife first and stop doing the little things within a relationship to make sure both people are happy.
    @HisMoon:  “Oh I thought of another one: if he were to go to jail for a very long time or life with him actually being guilty. If he were innocent, I’d fight for his freedom.
    +1.

    Post # 14
    Member
    1361 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2014

    Abuse and adultery. Addiction or mental illness with refusal to seek help would depend for me on how bad things were. If he were addicted to weed, but he could afford it and it wasn’t causing issues, I’d stay. If his addiction became his number one priority and he was willing to throw away everything for it, I’d have to leave. I haven’t spent a heap of time around the mentally ill, but I think that as long as the mental illness didn’t make him do any of the things listed above or below I’d stay.

    Other things would be: if he did anything to hurt my animals. I don’t mean if he smacks the dog/horse for bad behaviour, I mean if he knowingly put them in danger or really tried to hurt them.

    Another would be if he broke a major law. If he killed or raped someone, I’d be gone.

    Post # 15
    Member
    6964 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2015

    @Bebealways:  Abuse definitely. Infidelity probably. If he had a mental illness or addiction and refused help I’d just have him commited and/or call the cops on him. 😛 None of the rest are dealbreakers for me. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    1470 posts
    Bumble bee

    Abuse, adultery, addiction/mental illness with refusal to get help.

    I’d also add if he turned out to be a bad parent…neglectful, uninterested, etc. I’d have to leave w/ my children.

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