Hi bees, just curious cause I see this topic often enough.
Before FI and I were engaged but serious and semi-living together, he was invited to a wedding without me. And it was a very clear without-me invite - they called just to make sure he understood. He said he wouldn't be attending without giving a reason, and that was that. Last minute they invited me, and since we were in town visiting family that weekend we went. I was kind of offended that they so clearly unincluded me, and so was FI but I didn't know them well so I let it go.
There are always posts of people being annoyed that guests want to bring a date. As a guest, I'm equally annoyed to go by myself or stay home alone. Its a bit weird that other people are judging the seriousness of my relationship.
So lets say I'm invited to a wedding without a date, in the case that we're just dating and not engaged. I love my friend the bride, but I am bothered that they have invited me alone and I'm nervous that I won't have anyone to talk to. So I RSVP not attending. Do you care that I said no because you're forcing me to come alone? Or is this a way of keeping your numbers down?
I just don't really understand inviting people in singles. Please, enlighten me! I'm just trying to see your perspective.
We only invited SOs of people who were in serious relationships/living together. We had a small wedding and were paying quite a bit per head, so I wasn't interested in inviting someone's flavor of the week.
In the situation you describe, you would have been invited to our wedding.
I wouldn't be offended, but I wouldn't have excluded your fiance either. I'm terrified that one of my single friends is going to find a serious boyfriend before invites go out b/c we are at our limit! If they are single when the invites go out, they will not be given a +1...but everybody invited knows several others that will be there, so it won't be awkward.
We invited everyone in a serious relationship. So if you lived together, you would have been invited to my wedding. We weren't interested in people bringing casual dates- it wasn't even about the money. We just wanted people who knew us and would stand up for our marriage to witness the biggest day of our lives.
My rule for +1 is 1) married or engaged, 2) living together or dating for several years, 3) won't know many people at the wedding. My 17 year old cousin's girlfriend is NOT invited. If he can't be parted from her for a few hours then oh well.
We invited everyone with a +1, except our young cousins who are ages 12-14.
I would never expect an adult to come celebrate our love without extending them the courtesy of bringing a date. Yes, we did cut some people from our list to make this happen.
They obviously wanted you to be there because they invited you. Maybe they can not afford to let you bring a guest, or maybe they want a more intimate wedding, or maybe their guest list is just too high.
Either way I wouldn't take it personally.
Ditto what @michiru4ever said...our rule is married/engaged/living together gets a plus one...but everybody knows other people at our wedding! If you were invited without your boyfriend and you said to me (because if you're invited to our wedding, you SHOULD be close enough to feel comfortable saying this to me) "So I hate to be a bother, but will I know anybody there? I just don't want to feel alone, it'll give me a lot of anxiety" and I would either say "Oh yeah, you'll know these 5 people and I'll make sure to sit you with them!" or I would say "Oh crap, I didn't realize you didn't know anybody, sure you can bring your boyfriend I don't want you to feel awkward all night." But if you knew tons of people there, and weren't living with your boyfriend, then no, you wouldn't get a plus one and I would be upset if you didn't come because it's not like you'd be lonely if you knew tons of people going!
Edit: and by plus one I mean the date was invited BY NAME, not a blank "invite whoever you feel like". I don't think a wedding is the time to bring a date I've never met and don't know their name. If the relationship is serious enough, you'll get invited as a couple by name. If not, then if you don't feel comfortable coming, I guess that's your prerogative, but it's also my prerogative to feel a slight tinge of anger. Slight tinge.
We invited anyone in a relationship - and for me, relationship really means like 4-6 months or more. If it;s something new, honestly, I don't have the extra money in my budget to include the flavor of the week.
I would have cut people if I could to allow dates, but it would have been cutting family and tiering it at that point, which isn't acceptable. FWIW, everyone I invited without a +1 knows several other people at the wedding, and I'm making the seating chart very specific so people will know others and have single people of the opposite sex if they care to dance.
I would feel bad if my friends I gave no plus 1 RSVP'd no, but at the same time I would feel a little relieved! Our reception venue has a maximum capacity of 120 and our guest list is currently at something like 160. We chose that venue because it was cheaper compared to the alternative which has a maximum of 400 people (way more room than we need, more decor necessary, etc.). To me, not providing +1's to certain people is both a way to keep costs down and a way to invite all the people that are important to us. So yes, I would care and I'm sorry I can't afford it!
This is exactly why I am giving plus 1s. I was with FI for long enough that it was serious when my good friend got married. His fiance either didn't know the rules or made sure all of his friends didn't get to bring a date. We were all hurt and many of us considered not going.
mmm i wouldnt exclude anyone in a serious relationship. I assume that with any close friends in a serious relationship id be able to name who their SO is. I wouldnt necessarily give everyone a plus one automatically though.Then again, i do get that sometimes finances dont allow for everyone to have a plus one. if someone is having a smaller wedding, like 50 guests wedding and 40 of that is family...then only closest friends would get invited, and plus ones if theyre married or engaged. Would i be offended if someone didnt attend. mmmm, if i knew they knew several people attending i might be? Less so if i knew they wouldnt know anyone going
i would personally attend a wedding if i didnt have a plus one but maybe i wouldnt stay till the wee hours of the morning. dinner, and an hour or two of the reception depending on how friendly people were/who i knew
I'm totally on the same page as both @BookishBelle: and @michiru4ever.
We are only giving one indiscriminate plus one to one guest who legitimately does not know anyone else there. Every one of my other single friends and family members knows at least 5 other people at the wedding.
It's a tricky thing, and it's honestly one of my least fave parts of wedding planning being so strict with the guest list, but we just can't afford to have 20+ random guests at the wedding. And, yes, if any of my friends who weren't afforded a plus one didn't come solely because of that reason, I would be upset. They are invited because I want them there and I would hope that they can understand our position financially -- and realize it was a decision made out of necessity, not some sort of personal vendetta.
I responded other. We have a destination wedding, I am giving everybody +1, even single people if they want to bring a date/friend. I figured if they pay for int'l flight, the least I can do is let them bring whomever they want. We are also comping the rooms for a my family and 2 couples that are very close friends from overseas.
I voted "other" because I gave every guest over the age of 18 a +1.
It wasn't really all that much more expensive because there just weren't that many people invited that weren't in some type of relationship anyway. Yes, there were a few people there I didn't know well, but I didn't want to be the one making determinations about which relationships were signifcant and which weren't. If you were close enough to me that I wanted you there, I wanted you to have the option to bring a date if that would make you more comfortable.
As it turned out, only about 5-6 people that weren't either married, engaged, living together, or in a long-term (1 year+) relationship brought a date. And two of the people I gave +1s to ended up coming as each other's date anyway....both friends of mine that I hadn't seen in a while and didn't realize they were dating!
But if I had invited someone and not given them a +1, I'd be disappointed if they didn't come, but I would totally understand why.
@zippylef: Yep, if they don't want to come, that's their choice. I'm not going to fret too hard about it, unless it's one of my closest friends. But our friends all have SOMEONE they know to talk to.
I understand the no plus ones. But for me, I allowed it for the most part. Luckily, I got my numbers back and I am right on budget so that was perfect.
If you have no idea that your friend is in a relationship, obviously you'll just invite the friend. But in my case, for example, my bm's sister was invited alone. i had no idea she was in a relationship. Apparently it's serious as they just got engaged. But even before I found this out, when she asked, I said yes because who wants to go to a wedding alone if you are dating someone.
Now as for fi's friend who is not in a relationship or even dating, he did not get the option of a plus one. Also didn't give fi's cousin a plus one because him and his girlfriend are addicts and since I HAD to invite him I did, But I barely know hhis girl so I didn't invite her.
Oh and to answer your question, in the case of my bm's sister, I would rather have her there WITh her date than to not have her there at all.
@bella128: I asked SO about this after reading many posts on the Bee that say no +1 is acceptable for couples not living together, engaged, or married. SO has been to dozens of weddings, and he has always received a +1 no matter what his relationship status.
He insists that we will do the same for our guests. If we are close enough to invite them, then we trust them to bring suitable +1s. Plus, isn't it more fun for everyone if they're allowed to bring dates?
To answer your question, I would be highly offended if SO was not invited (or vice versa), especially because we are living together. Neither of us would attend. So likewise, I wouldn't be offended if someone turned down an invite from me like that.
Well I'm keeping my numbers down AND allowing them to bring dates. I don't think it's really fair when you're inviting your friends and family and a lot of the people wont know anyone. So all the single friends we have (non families, not married) there is the option for bringing a date. We just cut out the people that didn't have to be there. I'd rather our few guests be happy than have a lot of people we knew but didn't care as much about be miserable because they were there alone.
Same thing goes for kids. Kids are invited to our wedding. I mean I have 3 flower girls and 1 ring bearer. How is it fair that some can bring kids and not others? But I'm a bit of a people pleaser and it would make my day much better if others were happy too
Before our invitations went out, I asked all of my single friends if they were dating anyone. If they weren't, they didn't get a +1. Our wedding is small and intimately sized, though, so they'll know plenty of other people there. When I had to track down the RSVPs of people who hadn't answered by the due date, a few of the singles asked to bring a date (none of them are consistently dating anyone). I declined their requests. If they don't want to share in my wedding day over not being able to bring someone I don't know to my wedding, then so be it. I'm completely fine with that.
ETA: Everyone and their "+1" got invited by name, so there were no random guests invited for our wedding.
I did not give +1s to single people, with the exception of my bridal party and the 1 out-of-towner who wasn't going to know anyone else. But at $200/person I was not going to let someone who knew other people at the wedding bring a date who they were not in a relationship with. To me, it is unreasonable. I DID try to make sure that I set up tables such that there wasn't a "singles" table but also so that I didn't have a table where everyone was part of a couple except for 1 person. So yeah, sometimes I see posts where people say the bride is completely disregarding the guests' comfort and I think "grrr! no! I tried hard, I just wasn't willing to spend an extra couple thousand dollars for strangers!"
Obviously, in your situation, you'd have gotten an invite according to how I did it. I let anyone in a relationship bring their partner (if they had one by the time invites were sent).
@RexManningDay: I'm on the same page as you guys - we didn't give +1s, we invited any SOs that we know of, and are going to play it by ear for any of our single friends. If they are in a serious enough relationship to travel together (ours is a destination wedding), then I'm OK with it. But I didn't want people feeling like they had ot go find a date.
@pinkgreenandyellow: I'm so with you on this! I'd rather have the people who are attending to be happy and have fun.
Our single friends didn't get "plus ones" to bring a "date", but anyone in a relationship had their SO invited with their name printed on the invitation. (like "Dan Theman and Christie Christensen" not "Dan Theman and Guest").
I guess it's a way of keeping numbers down, but I think you're assuming people want numbers down because of cost. For us, cost wasn't an issue, but we just didn't want random people at the wedding. In the instance that you mentioned, you weren't a random person, so I would think that they did have space or cost restraints.
To answer your question: if I invite a friend and not their SO and had a good reason, it's up to them...I would hope that they'd want to be at my wedding because they're my friend, but if not, then I did what I could.
We are invinting almost EVERYONE with a date, whether we know the date or not. I think the only people invited with no dates are my cousins who are under 21 (coming with their families) and my FI's grandma.
Yay it's hump day!
I considered every invite to be two people. Yes I would rather invite "some random" than another person if it meant asking a friend to travel alone. My singlest friends did not bring dates, but were more than welcome to bring someone to keep them company. My cousins did bring their SO's and I was so glad to get to know them.
I'm inviting everyone with a date but my take is..
People have to keep their numbers low for lots of reasons. It's not always about judging the seriousness of your relationship, sometimes it's just not economical to pay an extra $100+ for a stranger's dinner, especially if all your friends would then have to get plus ones.
My opinion is yeah it sucks and everyone should get to bring a date, but at the end of the day it's a few hours of your life and being without your SO won't kill you. If you care about that friend that much, you wouldn't miss her wedding over something like that. If I were the bride I'd be upset that a friend cared more about making a point ("I'm not going if I can't bring a date!") than being there for me on my big day.
I don't understand the "no +1" phenomenon either. I would also never single-out my single friends to do this to only them, talk about rubbing it in. It's just a freaking wedding is all, I'm sure my friends won't be reminded of their singletude enough already!
I really, really don't get how it can be seen as polite. If the +1s are getting cut due to budget, the bride and groom are trying to fit too many guests in their budget and need to choose only more immediate people and their +1s, not treat their guests like chesspieces. "You're in... but not you...but you two are both in...but not you..." =/ As much as guests want to be there because they value the couple, the couple hopefully also values the guests, and treats them that way. It's never come up yet, but I'd never go to a wedding with no +1 invite. (Well, now that I'm engaged, I think FI should be invited by name, but you know what I mean.)
I was invited to a wedding without my husband. I took zero offense. It's a co-worker and she's never met my husband. His feelings certainly weren't hurt. I was happy to be there on her day. There were plenty of other coworkers there with me, so I wasn't alone.
@MrsCreeToBe: totally agree, people can be real sucks sometimes.
I don't understand the no plus-one, and I think it's rather rude. It's one thing if minors or adults living at home do not get a plus one because they have other family members attending with them. Except in very unique circumstances, you will likely not know all of the groom's/groom's family's guests, so I think it's a bit silly to have this "we must know everyone at our wedding" mentality. And if it's for budget, then there should be a discussion about reducing the guest list.
I just don't it's right to expect someone to travel and attend alone. Sure they may meet up with people they know there, but that's making a lot of assumptions regarding their relationships with other people. Making your guests comfortable at your wedding that they've dedicated half a day or sometimes an entire weekend to should include allowing them the option to bring a guest if they so choose.
I always thought a +1 was a given if you were inviting single friends. If they're important enough to be at my wedding, I'm curious enough to see who they're friends with/dating. I always figure if the invite doesn't have a +1, then they're trying to keep their numbers down, so I'm actually helping if I don't go (I'd still send a card/gift).
@joya_aspera: For some people, yes "its just a freaking wedding." For my FI and I, it's a very personal and intimate moment that we are sharing with people that we feel close with. It's a very odd concept to me to share that with people I don't know. To each their own!
Honestly.. I’m having a small wedding (around 55-65 people) all close friends and family only. This means our friends who are not in a relationship are getting single cards no +1. I am not interested in having people at my wedding that I do not know. (call it bitchy, call it rude, but who wants to pay $100 + for someone you dont no when you are paying for your own wedding and on a budget)
My FI got invited to a wedding when we were living together, I knew the couple but not well, so when we received the invitation, I was not upset that the card was just for him and no plus 1. I find it ridiculous that people get upset that they is no +1 on the invite.. seriously… who’s wedding is it? yours or theirs...And really if that person is so upset then what kind of friend are they anyways?
Just my two cents =) Happy hump day peeps!!
I am inviting +1 for people in serious relationships. I was advised to only do +1s for people who are engaged or married, but some of my friends have been in long term relationships for as long as I've been with FI, so I want to let them have a plus one.
I also am allowing +1 for out of town guests who don't know anyone. For example, my old coworker is a good friend of mine and I want to invite her. She would be traveling from Texas to Maryland, if she attends, and doesn't know anyone besides my immediate family, who will be admittedly busy that day. I don't want her to end up sitting at a table not knowing ANYONE, so I am giving her a plus one so if she comes, she at least has her date. She happens to be dating someone, but that isn't why she is getting a +1.
For me, it's budget. We have a lot of people we WANT to have at our wedding, so unfortunately we can't add a lot of plus 1s. That being said, most of our guests will know PLENTY of other people at the wedding, and I will seat them accordingly.
My questions for people who are offended: Why would I reduce my guest list (which is already small) to accommodate people who i don't know? Do you suggest not inviting an aunt and uncle so that your boyfriend can be there? Should I not invite a couple I've known for the past 10 years because another friend of mine won't be able to bring her date (who she's dated for 2 months)? So yes, it matters how long they've dated. And yes, it matters if I know them. Why would anyone who doesn't even know a couple be offended by not being invited to their wedding? It's not about you. It's about being there for someone else.
I don't get it.
And it's not silly at all to want to know everyone at you wedding. Guests should be there to celebrate the union of two special people. People who are friends, family, or loved ones. Not just hanging out, eating a $50 plate and leaving.
You will absolutely survive one evening without your SO. In my opinion, it's selfish to not be there for a friend. Try to focus in their happiness and hopefully mingle with a few people other than your
SO.
So yes, I would be offended.
I would be and was offended. An adult should be able to spend one measly evening without a date. Most ceremonies are 15 min- 1 hr. Most cocktail hours are 1 hr and most dinners are 1 hr-1.5 hrs. Cake and special dances usually happen right after. That means a sacrifice of all of 2.5-4 hrs. I've never been to a wedding that lasted longer than 6 hours. As for not having anyone to talk to--- it's a wedding! You can always talk about the bride, the groom, and the wedding you are currently attending.
Skipping a wedding because you don't have a plus one says to me that you care more about being lazy than the couple's wedding. My old roommate I pulled this stunt at our wedding and it drastically changed our friendship. I don't make half the effort I did before to make time for her since spending 5 hrs with her new boyfriend was more important than our wedding.
@Elayne51: I'd hate to go to a wedding alone, but that's just me. Some people are cool with it. In my post-divorce single days, every wedding was a very painful reminder of what I had lost, and bringing someone else distracted me enough. In my just-started-dating-husband days, going alone was kind of INCREDIBLY boring. There's the 20 minute ceremony, of, "Aww, yay, they're married, how sweet!" And then the reception. It's not like I can flirt with other guys, getting drunk was no fun for similar reasons, same with dancing, sure I'd have other girlfriends there but most of them had dates or just weren't that close to me even if they were in the same "group"...I will never do that again. And I was just missing then-boyfriend the whole time. Not exactly how I want to remember a dear friend's wedding, but there it is, I probably shouldn't have gone. Now I know better.
For the general thread, I voted hump-day because we just gave a +1 to our guests and scaled things down. Judging the validity of someone else's relationship feels so oppressive, and being at a wedding with someone you're falling in love with is pretty exciting. I wouldn't be offended because it wouldn't happen...but even if it did happen, I wouldn't be offended, I'd never go to a wedding alone again. Whenever I see a lack of +1, I pretty much assume "No, if I didn't invite your bf I don't care to have you there anyway." I feel like the people who don't get +1's are the people who would be the first ones cut from the list if the guest list needed to be shorter.
@Elayne51: I disagree that you are accommodating people you don't know. You are accommodating the guest that was important enough to invite in the first place. I think all brides should carefully weigh their venue capacity and their total budget along with their guest list. If that means reducing the guest list or the catering or changing venues to be a thoughtful host, then so be it, but usually the problems couples appear to run into are when a family believes the invitation includes multiple people, not allowing single guests the option of bringing someone. Not all do, and sometimes the single friends that know others go together, but it is a thoughtful gesture to offer your friend in the spirit of hospitality.
I stated that I think it's silly because very few brides or grooms will themselves know every person invited to the wedding. There are family members and long time friends from the other side that you may not know, so yes, I think it is rather silly. I also don't think all single or casually dating friends should be stigmatized because of the "flavor of the month" mentality. I feel it is discourteous to every guest that travels to make statements about how it is all about being there for the bride and groom only. These kind of statements lead to a mindset of equivalencies where "I spent X per person, and I only got a gift equaling X." I am not accusing you of this, but I am saying that the attitude itself can lead a person to those conclusions.
A wedding is more than just two people coming together. It's a blending of families and friend as well. I apologize if my opinion regarding hospitality offends you, but it is my opinion and I think it's healthy for all of us to remember that our wedding is not just about the bride and groom.
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