Spinoff: the no plus-one thing – are you offended if I don't go?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Do you care if I RSVP no to your wedding because I'm invited alone (no plus one)
    No, I'm trying to keep my numbers down. : (66 votes)
    19 %
    No, if I didn't invite your bf I don't care to have you there anyway. : (17 votes)
    5 %
    Yes, I'm sorry I can't afford it! : (152 votes)
    44 %
    Yes, I was just waiting to see who would ask cause I can't invite everyone. : (19 votes)
    6 %
    Indifferent to your reason for not coming. : (41 votes)
    12 %
    Other, I'll explain in the comments. : (23 votes)
    7 %
    Yay its hump day! : (24 votes)
    7 %
  • Member
    7878 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: October 2010

    We only invited SOs of people who were in serious relationships/living together. We had a small wedding and were paying quite a bit per head, so I wasn’t interested in inviting someone’s flavor of the week. 

    In the situation you describe, you would have been invited to our wedding.

    Member
    640 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2014

    I wouldn’t be offended, but I wouldn’t have excluded your fiance either. I’m terrified that one of my single friends is going to find a serious boyfriend before invites go out b/c we are at our limit! If they are single when the invites go out, they will not be given a +1…but everybody invited knows several others that will be there, so it won’t be awkward. 

    Member
    472 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    We invited everyone in a serious relationship. So if you lived together, you would have been invited to my wedding. We weren’t interested in people bringing casual dates- it wasn’t even about the money. We just wanted people who knew us and would stand up for our marriage to witness the biggest day of our lives.

     

    Member
    2296 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    My rule for +1 is 1) married or engaged, 2) living together or dating for several years, 3) won’t know many people at the wedding.  My 17 year old cousin’s girlfriend is NOT invited. If he can’t be parted from her for a few hours then oh well. 

    Member
    3948 posts
    Honey bee

    We invited everyone with a +1, except our young cousins who are ages 12-14.

    I would never expect an adult to come celebrate our love without extending them the courtesy of bringing a date. Yes, we did cut some people from our list to make this happen.

    Member
    521 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: November 2012

    They obviously wanted you to be there because they invited you. Maybe they can not afford to let you bring a guest, or maybe they want a more intimate wedding, or maybe their guest list is just too high. 

    Either way I wouldn’t take it personally.

    Member
    1629 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Ditto what @michiru4ever said…our rule is married/engaged/living together gets a plus one…but everybody knows other people at our wedding! If you were invited without your boyfriend and you said to me (because if you’re invited to our wedding, you SHOULD be close enough to feel comfortable saying this to me) “So I hate to be a bother, but will I know anybody there? I just don’t want to feel alone, it’ll give me a lot of anxiety” and I would either say “Oh yeah, you’ll know these 5 people and I’ll make sure to sit you with them!” or I would say “Oh crap, I didn’t realize you didn’t know anybody, sure you can bring your boyfriend I don’t want you to feel awkward all night.” But if you knew tons of people there, and weren’t living with your boyfriend, then no, you wouldn’t get a plus one and I would be upset if you didn’t come because it’s not like you’d be lonely if you knew tons of people going!

     

    Edit: and by plus one I mean the date was invited BY NAME, not a blank “invite whoever you feel like”. I don’t think a wedding is the time to bring a date I’ve never met and don’t know their name. If the relationship is serious enough, you’ll get invited as a couple by name. If not, then if you don’t feel comfortable coming, I guess that’s your prerogative, but it’s also my prerogative to feel a slight tinge of anger. Slight tinge. 

    Member
    9367 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We invited anyone in a relationship – and for me, relationship really means like 4-6 months or more.  If it;s something new, honestly, I don’t have the extra money in my budget to include the flavor of the week. 

    I would have cut people if I could to allow dates, but it would have been cutting family and tiering it at that point, which isn’t acceptable.  FWIW, everyone I invited without a +1 knows several other people at the wedding, and I’m making the seating chart very specific so people will know others and  have single people of the opposite sex if they care to dance.

    Member
    3812 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo

    I would feel bad if my friends I gave no plus 1 RSVP’d no, but at the same time I would feel a little relieved!  Our reception venue has a maximum capacity of 120 and our guest list is currently at something like 160.  We chose that venue because it was cheaper compared to the alternative which has a maximum of 400 people (way more room than we need, more decor necessary, etc.).  To me, not providing +1′s to certain people is both a way to keep costs down and a way to invite all the people that are important to us.  So yes, I would care and I’m sorry I can’t afford it!

    Member
    2097 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    This is exactly why I am giving plus 1s. I was with FI for long enough that it was serious when my good friend got married. His fiance either didn’t know the rules or made sure all of his friends didn’t get to bring a date. We were all hurt and many of us considered not going.

    Member
    2884 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: March 2013

    mmm i wouldnt exclude anyone in a serious relationship. I assume that with any close friends in a serious relationship id  be able to name who their SO is. I wouldnt necessarily give everyone a plus one automatically though.Then again, i do get that sometimes finances dont allow for everyone to have a plus one. if someone is having a smaller wedding, like 50 guests wedding and 40 of that is family…then only closest friends would get invited, and plus ones if theyre married or engaged. Would i be offended if someone didnt attend. mmmm, if i knew they knew several people attending i might be? Less so if i knew they wouldnt know anyone going

    i would personally attend a wedding if i didnt have a plus one but maybe i wouldnt stay till the wee hours of the morning. dinner, and an hour or two of the reception depending on how friendly people were/who i knew

    Member
    473 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    I’m totally on the same page as both @BookishBelle:  and @michiru4ever.

    We are only giving one indiscriminate plus one to one guest who legitimately does not know anyone else there. Every one of my other single friends and family members knows at least 5 other people at the wedding.

    It’s a tricky thing, and it’s honestly one of my least fave parts of wedding planning being so strict with the guest list, but we just can’t afford to have 20+ random guests at the wedding.  And, yes, if any of my friends who weren’t afforded a plus one didn’t come solely because of that reason, I would be upset. They are invited because I want them there and I would hope that they can understand our position financially — and realize it was a decision made out of necessity, not some sort of personal vendetta.

    Member
    192 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I responded other. We have a destination wedding, I am giving everybody +1, even single people if they want to bring a date/friend. I figured if they pay for int’l flight, the least I can do is let them bring whomever they want.  We are also comping the rooms for a my family and 2 couples that are very close friends from overseas.

    Member
    1561 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2010

    I voted “other” because I gave every guest over the age of 18 a +1. 

    It wasn’t really all that much more expensive because there just weren’t that many people invited that weren’t in some type of relationship anyway.  Yes, there were a few people there I didn’t know well, but I didn’t want to be the one making determinations about which relationships were signifcant and which weren’t.  If you were close enough to me that I wanted you there, I wanted you to have the option to bring a date if that would make you more comfortable. 

    As it turned out, only about 5-6 people that weren’t either married, engaged, living together, or in a long-term (1 year+) relationship brought a date.  And two of the people I gave +1s to ended up coming as each other’s date anyway….both friends of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while and didn’t realize they were dating!

    But if I had invited someone and not given them a +1, I’d be disappointed if they didn’t come, but I would totally understand why.

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