Hi bees, just curious cause I see this topic often enough.
Before FI and I were engaged but serious and semi-living together, he was invited to a wedding without me. And it was a very clear without-me invite – they called just to make sure he understood. He said he wouldn’t be attending without giving a reason, and that was that. Last minute they invited me, and since we were in town visiting family that weekend we went. I was kind of offended that they so clearly unincluded me, and so was FI but I didn’t know them well so I let it go.
There are always posts of people being annoyed that guests want to bring a date. As a guest, I’m equally annoyed to go by myself or stay home alone. Its a bit weird that other people are judging the seriousness of my relationship.
So lets say I’m invited to a wedding without a date, in the case that we’re just dating and not engaged. I love my friend the bride, but I am bothered that they have invited me alone and I’m nervous that I won’t have anyone to talk to. So I RSVP not attending. Do you care that I said no because you’re forcing me to come alone? Or is this a way of keeping your numbers down?
I just don’t really understand inviting people in singles. Please, enlighten me! I’m just trying to see your perspective.
We only invited SOs of people who were in serious relationships/living together. We had a small wedding and were paying quite a bit per head, so I wasn’t interested in inviting someone’s flavor of the week.
In the situation you describe, you would have been invited to our wedding.
I wouldn’t be offended, but I wouldn’t have excluded your fiance either. I’m terrified that one of my single friends is going to find a serious boyfriend before invites go out b/c we are at our limit! If they are single when the invites go out, they will not be given a +1…but everybody invited knows several others that will be there, so it won’t be awkward.
We invited everyone in a serious relationship. So if you lived together, you would have been invited to my wedding. We weren’t interested in people bringing casual dates- it wasn’t even about the money. We just wanted people who knew us and would stand up for our marriage to witness the biggest day of our lives.
My rule for +1 is 1) married or engaged, 2) living together or dating for several years, 3) won’t know many people at the wedding. My 17 year old cousin’s girlfriend is NOT invited. If he can’t be parted from her for a few hours then oh well.
We invited everyone with a +1, except our young cousins who are ages 12-14.
I would never expect an adult to come celebrate our love without extending them the courtesy of bringing a date. Yes, we did cut some people from our list to make this happen.
They obviously wanted you to be there because they invited you. Maybe they can not afford to let you bring a guest, or maybe they want a more intimate wedding, or maybe their guest list is just too high.
Either way I wouldn’t take it personally.
Ditto what @michiru4ever said…our rule is married/engaged/living together gets a plus one…but everybody knows other people at our wedding! If you were invited without your boyfriend and you said to me (because if you’re invited to our wedding, you SHOULD be close enough to feel comfortable saying this to me) “So I hate to be a bother, but will I know anybody there? I just don’t want to feel alone, it’ll give me a lot of anxiety” and I would either say “Oh yeah, you’ll know these 5 people and I’ll make sure to sit you with them!” or I would say “Oh crap, I didn’t realize you didn’t know anybody, sure you can bring your boyfriend I don’t want you to feel awkward all night.” But if you knew tons of people there, and weren’t living with your boyfriend, then no, you wouldn’t get a plus one and I would be upset if you didn’t come because it’s not like you’d be lonely if you knew tons of people going!
Edit: and by plus one I mean the date was invited BY NAME, not a blank “invite whoever you feel like”. I don’t think a wedding is the time to bring a date I’ve never met and don’t know their name. If the relationship is serious enough, you’ll get invited as a couple by name. If not, then if you don’t feel comfortable coming, I guess that’s your prerogative, but it’s also my prerogative to feel a slight tinge of anger. Slight tinge.
We invited anyone in a relationship – and for me, relationship really means like 4-6 months or more. If it;s something new, honestly, I don’t have the extra money in my budget to include the flavor of the week.
I would have cut people if I could to allow dates, but it would have been cutting family and tiering it at that point, which isn’t acceptable. FWIW, everyone I invited without a +1 knows several other people at the wedding, and I’m making the seating chart very specific so people will know others and have single people of the opposite sex if they care to dance.
- Wedding: August 2013 - Brookfield Zoo
I would feel bad if my friends I gave no plus 1 RSVP’d no, but at the same time I would feel a little relieved! Our reception venue has a maximum capacity of 120 and our guest list is currently at something like 160. We chose that venue because it was cheaper compared to the alternative which has a maximum of 400 people (way more room than we need, more decor necessary, etc.). To me, not providing +1′s to certain people is both a way to keep costs down and a way to invite all the people that are important to us. So yes, I would care and I’m sorry I can’t afford it!
This is exactly why I am giving plus 1s. I was with FI for long enough that it was serious when my good friend got married. His fiance either didn’t know the rules or made sure all of his friends didn’t get to bring a date. We were all hurt and many of us considered not going.
mmm i wouldnt exclude anyone in a serious relationship. I assume that with any close friends in a serious relationship id be able to name who their SO is. I wouldnt necessarily give everyone a plus one automatically though.Then again, i do get that sometimes finances dont allow for everyone to have a plus one. if someone is having a smaller wedding, like 50 guests wedding and 40 of that is family…then only closest friends would get invited, and plus ones if theyre married or engaged. Would i be offended if someone didnt attend. mmmm, if i knew they knew several people attending i might be? Less so if i knew they wouldnt know anyone going
i would personally attend a wedding if i didnt have a plus one but maybe i wouldnt stay till the wee hours of the morning. dinner, and an hour or two of the reception depending on how friendly people were/who i knew
I’m totally on the same page as both @BookishBelle: and @michiru4ever.
We are only giving one indiscriminate plus one to one guest who legitimately does not know anyone else there. Every one of my other single friends and family members knows at least 5 other people at the wedding.
It’s a tricky thing, and it’s honestly one of my least fave parts of wedding planning being so strict with the guest list, but we just can’t afford to have 20+ random guests at the wedding. And, yes, if any of my friends who weren’t afforded a plus one didn’t come solely because of that reason, I would be upset. They are invited because I want them there and I would hope that they can understand our position financially — and realize it was a decision made out of necessity, not some sort of personal vendetta.
I responded other. We have a destination wedding, I am giving everybody +1, even single people if they want to bring a date/friend. I figured if they pay for int’l flight, the least I can do is let them bring whomever they want. We are also comping the rooms for a my family and 2 couples that are very close friends from overseas.
I voted “other” because I gave every guest over the age of 18 a +1.
It wasn’t really all that much more expensive because there just weren’t that many people invited that weren’t in some type of relationship anyway. Yes, there were a few people there I didn’t know well, but I didn’t want to be the one making determinations about which relationships were signifcant and which weren’t. If you were close enough to me that I wanted you there, I wanted you to have the option to bring a date if that would make you more comfortable.
As it turned out, only about 5-6 people that weren’t either married, engaged, living together, or in a long-term (1 year+) relationship brought a date. And two of the people I gave +1s to ended up coming as each other’s date anyway….both friends of mine that I hadn’t seen in a while and didn’t realize they were dating!
But if I had invited someone and not given them a +1, I’d be disappointed if they didn’t come, but I would totally understand why.