Post # 1
Ok, sorry for the title not being great, but the darn restrictions on length kept me from what I wanted it to say. I wanted it to actually say:
Do you think waiting until marriage to have sex influences the length of a couple’s relationship before marriage?
Basically, do you think/know of/or are part of a couple that married more quickly and that having sex may have been a motivation to do that.
No judgments, just curious 🙂
Personally, I know of two couples who both waited to have sex until marriage. One dated for 6 years before marriage. Interestingly, they are going through a very rough patch (at their 2 year anniversary) because they are sexually very incompatible.
My cousin, in contrast, dated her DH for about 6 months before getting engaged, married two months later. She admitted part of the motivation was a desire to have sex (fwiw, they are a great couple and I don’t think it was the only motivation).
Post # 4
@bmo88: It can be a factor, definitely. Specially in couples whose waiting is for religious reasons: 1 Cor. 7:9 “But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn.”
In my case, we are having a (sort of) long engagement. 17 months!
It is certainly not easy! But we believe waiting is the best thing for the both of us and we are happy waiting.
I do know people who married sooner because of waiting and are great together!
Post # 5
@bmo88: I don’t know anyone who waited for marriage, so I don’t feel like I can have an opinion. I would think it would add to the urgency. I wonder if the first example couple doesn’t have a sexual chemistry, maybe that’s why they could wait so long and why they’re having trouble now. But who knows.
Post # 6
I don’t know about timelines, but my only friends who married young (18-21) did so because they were waiting to have sex/live together for religious reasons. They are all now divorced. So yes, I think they rushed a bit.
That’s just my experience though. Anecdotes mean nothing statistically. Not everyone was on my and DH’s 6 year dating plan. No judgement here.
Post # 7
If I am being honest I never knew of a couple whose “wait” was not for religious reasons, and they fell into these situations:
Genuinely felt a deep spiritual connection and waited until they were emotionally mature enough for marriage and a lifetime of sexual commitment (no matter how long it took to get to that point).
Wanted to maintain their “purity” until marriage and consequently moved way too quickly into a false sense of maturity due to mounting pressure while fighting natural urges.
Post # 8
@AlwaysSunny: Yep, anecdotes mean nothing…that’s why I am just curious what people’s thoughts and opinions are. 🙂
@jadlnc: That is a good point you made about their compatibility…
Post # 9
Personally, no. I actually forget how long we were together before we were married, but it was over 5 years. We were engaged for more than 20 months.
I think it does influence some people though.
Post # 10
My husband and I waited until we were married and dated for 8 years. It was hard to wait, but eventually we had waited so long it because easier.. I’m not even sure how to explain it but it did. We started dating when we were young though, so we were still married at what may be considered a youngish age (23).
Most couples I know still dated for quite a while. I do know some friends of friends though that rushed into things, probably partly so they could have sex.
Post # 11
Oh my God! THIS:
“Wanted to maintain their “purity” until marriage and consequently moved way too quickly into a false sense of maturity due to mounting pressure while fighting natural urges. “
SOOO true. I do believe the Bible is wise in everyway. But I am so sick of people fooling themselves to believe they are “ready” when they are certanly not.
Post # 12
@bmo88: DH and I waited and we got married after 2.5 years.
Post # 13
@atacrossroads: I agree those are the two general categories I have seen.
I have known some awesome couples who waited to have sex, and they didn’t dive into the marriage commitment quickly. They dated for a year or more, had a decent engagement period, and got married when they were emotionally ready, as well as sexually. Even if they do not have the greatest sexual compatability as a result, I can see these couples having happy marriages.
Then there are others who are young and afraid of sinning, so they marry quickly to avoid temptation. One of the teachers at my school is going through this with her son – he is 18 or 19, just graduated high school in May. He has no job, and his partner dropped out of high school and holds a minimum wage job. He texted his mom one day and said they were getting married at 6pm that night and hoped she could make it. They are very religious and were waiting, and I guess they were tired of it. They could make it as a couple, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they split down the line.
Post # 14
@bmo88: I know two couples: One in which they both “waited” completely before marriage (religious) and got married young, and after dating less than a year. So I believe it was a motivator (not the only one of course though). But, while it’s not what I would ever choose to do, they have been married for 3 years and seem perfectly happy.
The second couple: She had sex before, started dating a religious guy who had not and was waiting until marriage. So they “waited” as a couple – dating less than a year before marriage. They were also quite young. I think sex was a HUGE motivator in that relationship and I don’t see it lasting – though it hit it’s one year mark.
Post # 15
@bmo88: From what I’ve seen, and this does not mean I think it’s everyone, the couples that have waited until marriage to have sex were the ones who married quickly. I can think of four couples off the top of my head who married between 18-21 after dating their husbands for less than a year, and one couple of high school sweethearts that married at 19 but waited.
Only 2 of the 5 above couples are still married, the high school sweethearts (and they just had a baby) and a girl a few years younger than me, who happens to be the husband’s little sister. However, the latter relationship is only going on 1 1/2 years since they started dating, so take that as you will.
However, what really ticks me off is that the three women who are now divorced openingly and proudly brag about how they waited until they were married to have sex and will scorn others who do not wait. In fact, when one of them learned that I was living with DH before we were married she said to my face, “Oh I’ll pray for your soul. Hopefully God won’t judge you too harshly since you did end up making it right. I know it’s hard to wait, but it’s the right thing, that is a major reason I waited until I was married to have sex with ex-DH.” Gah, if I had been in BitchLynn mode I’d have made a wise cracking comment about divorce, but alas I was being GoodLynn, and I just told her that our beliefs were not the same and left it at that.
I DO however think it is impressive when couples can go a LONG time without having sex, regardless of they wait until they are married or not. Waiting was never something important to me, so I never tried to will myself to wait, but I’d imagine it takes some strong will power to abstain.
Post # 16
“I’d imagine it takes some strong will power to abstain.”
Trust me. It did haha
My husband and I have been married for almost a year and half now and thinking back I can’t comprehend how we waited 8 years. I guess when you don’t know exactly what you’re missing out on, it’s not as hard to wait. I think if I had already had sex and then had to wait I would have a must harder time than it already was.