*Spinoff* What ARE good reasons for the man to not be ready?

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
8419 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

Financial stability (or lack thereof), wanting to accomplish other things (i.e. travel, education, etc), really any reason.  I feel that a man has just as much right to not want to get married as a woman has to want to be married.  If one partner wants commitment and the other one doesn’t, I just see it as an incompatibility.

Post # 3
Member
6740 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

If he is still married to someone else….

Post # 4
Member
8905 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Well in my case, my now-husband wasn’t ready for a while because he needed to feel like he could be “head of a family” in order to be married.  (Never mind that we aren’t going to procreate right away and that neither of us is very traditional.)  That meant finishing various adventures he’d always wanted to do, finishing his eductation, having a stable career, and being out of credit card debt.

While I may not have agreed 100% with all of that, it was his right to feel that way and not my place to push him before he was ready.

Post # 6
Member
878 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

Some of the girls it seems having been dating a man for very long! So if you have not been dating long enough (Like well over a year)

Post # 7
Member
7281 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast

Age, length of time dating, financial stability, adventures to pursue, goals to achieve, etc. There are oodles of reasons why a guy may legit not be ready. There are also oodles of things that point to a guy who is just stringing a girl along because he has no interest in actually committing.

Post # 8
Member
42469 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I don’t think there is a “good” reason or a “bad” reason. If he’s not ready, he’s not ready.

Even if he has a “good” reason, he may never conquer that situation and be ready for marriage.

In either case the woman has to choose whether she is willing to wait and see if he is ever ready, or if she is going to move on.

Post # 8
Member
4483 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

Any reason that isn’t just not wanting to, ever. Even though I was ready first, there was a time when I wouldn’t have been, not because of jobs or money or age, but because I just wasn’t ready. FI had that time for a little longer, and it sucked waiting, but marriage was something he very much wanted-just not quite yet.

Post # 10
Member
2419 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Sometimes “ready” is just a feeling. You either are or you aren’t and it may have no bearing at all on future readiness or a genuine desire to get married at some point in the future. Trying to pin down specific reasons for unreadiness can just end up with the unready person feeling cornered. 

I’m not saying that there aren’t people who positively professionally unready and who will happily string their partner along but there’s usually clear evidence of this from their past history with relationships.

But assuming there isn’t a questionable agenda, “being ready” may be about more than tangible explanations like financial security, career development or property ownership for example.

Post # 11
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

I think there are many reasons why a man might not be ready. I think it is perfectly reasonable that a man might know that he wants to marry his SO down the road (she’s the one), but he just isn’t ready to do it right at that moment.

That’s why I think it’s unfair for people to judge some women who are waiting. Many waiting women just happened to be ready for marriage first. Not all couples have the good fortune of both being ready at the exact same moment. It wouldn’t make sense to drop a guy just because you happen to be ready for marriage first. I know a lot of people say it’s just a piece of paper, but I think there’s a lot more to it than that (and let’s not forget the cost and planning of a wedding).

That being said, I do agree that there are some red flag situations out there, and men who do string women along.

Post # 12
Member
2368 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Any reason is valid. It’s no different than making the decision to have sex for the first time, having children, buying a house, changing jobs, any major life change. It’s a huge decision, and one that should be made after thought and consideration. If he’s not sure he’s ready, he probably isn’t. Not every couple arrives at the same level of ready at the same time – most don’t. And it’s never good to start a marriage by shoving someone into it.

Post # 13
Member
6273 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

i was ready before DH was ready.  we talked it about.  friends of ours were getting engaged starting at the one year mark.  we didn’t get engaged until we had been together 2 years and 2 months.

DH had a specific timeline in his head that wasn’t negotiable with my timeline.

DH wanted to live together first – I was afriad of the “why buy the cow when you get the milk for free”  and told him that if he did move in, we needed to be engaged within 6 months because i know he can procrastinate.

 

 

Post # 14
Member
3866 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I think almost any reason that can be articulated is justifiable because it means the guy has thought about marriage and where he wants to be before getting married.

If the guy refuses to discuss the idea of marriage or isn’t ready after years together without a reason, then it’s more worrisome, imo.

Post # 15
Member
1104 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Does he need a reason? I commend guys who stand up for what they want rather than get into something they don’t want or aren’t sure that they want it. If any pressure is put on them by their partner, it will only lead to something bad (they go through with it for them, are pushed away, and/or have a negative impact on the relationship). 

It irriates me when women, men, anyone who wants to be married when their partner doesn’t undermines the relationship (the exact freaking thing they want to commit to for life!) because of their wants. For example, get a fight because he said he didn’t want to get married but later tells her he loves her and cares for her and communicates and she pushes him away.

I just don’t get that nor do I support that, from either sex. 

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