(Closed) SPINOFF: What is your policy on cheating?

posted 4 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: AFTER Marriage, would you forgive cheating?
    I could never forgive cheating in a marriage : (236 votes)
    34 %
    Two strikes, you're out : (72 votes)
    10 %
    I could forgive more than twice, depending on the circumstances : (18 votes)
    3 %
    I'm in an open/"monagamish" relationship : (12 votes)
    2 %
    I'm not sure : (94 votes)
    14 %
    SO would never forgive cheating : (162 votes)
    23 %
    SO might forgive me once : (80 votes)
    12 %
    SO would forgive me anything! : (17 votes)
    2 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    2559 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2010

    I am married, and to my knowledge have never been cheated on. Thus, I have a pretty hardline zero tolerance policy on cheating – I don’t think that I would ever be able to truly forgive and not hold it over his head, so in fairness to us both I would have to divorce.

    My husband HAS been cheated on (not by me!) and it solidified the same no-tolerance policy as me.

     

    Post # 4
    Member
    2440 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    I’m engaged, not married yet. I wouldn’t forgive So cheating now, and neither was he.

     

    The day after we started going out, neither of us would have forgiven cheating, either. I don’t understand people who do. I cherish myself, and he cherishes himself, and NO ONE is more important than my self respect.

     

    You want to cheat on me? No. We’re done. You’ve fucked up, now get out.

    Post # 5
    Member
    2833 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: May 2014

    I don’t think I could forgive. I have never been in that situation with my FI but if it happened after we were married … or even now… I don’t think I could ever trust him again.

    Post # 6
    Member
    11760 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    Zero tolerance policy here on cheating. I think that perhaps if it was a one time kiss or something I may be able to get over it, but honestly anything beyond that I know myself and my limits and life would be miserable for him, as well as myself if he cheated.  Trust is hands down the most important thing in a relationship to me, so if he broke that then I just don’t think I could ever rebuild that trust with him.

    Post # 7
    Member
    8475 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Not to sound judgemental, but how on earth could somebody possibly be forgiven for cheating?!?!

    Post # 8
    Member
    2648 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    It would depend on the situation. If we were going through a really high stress and/or emotionally rough time, and he found himself turning to someone else, it would hurt a whole lot for sure. However, I’d like to think I could be understanding and would demand that he make a choice. If he was willing to go to therapy, cut out the other woman, and fully re-commit to the marriage, I’d at least agree to try. If everything was great, and he wanted to cheat for the hell of it, I’m out.

    Post # 9
    Member
    6365 posts
    Bee Keeper

    It’s the ultimate dealbreaker. It would destroy the relationship and possibly my life. He knows this.

    He also would not tolerate it from me.

    He and I are very similar people (he’s just a bit bigger and louder). We both know how serious it would be to the other, and also that it is extremely unlikely that either of us would ever do that to each other.

    Post # 10
    Member
    5983 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @mrssrm:  Cheating is the symptom of a total relationship breakdown….and you don’t throw something away just because its broken.  Now, if he’s given up on us, this marriage and has one foot out of the door….that’s entirely different, but some late night indescretion during a alcohol fueled moment of weakness…lets take a look at that and see what it was that was so damn attractive over the woman that’s been watching your back for the last five years…I’d like to think Mr. 99 would be so understanding should I fall off my pedestal of fidelity…after all, it only takes a moment to make a mistake, and everyone does sooner or later, it’s what you do to rectify those mistakes that defines you as a person, a partner and a spouse.

    Post # 11
    Member
    5850 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2014

    @mrssrm:  I didn’t vote, as for me, it’s complicated.

    I don’t associate sex with emotion; I see it as a fun, physical pursuit, a bit like a sport. With that in mind, I could easily and happily be in an open relationship, and I will say, I think that monogamy as a concept is unnatural, and don’t really ‘agree’ with it.

    However, my OH feels differently, and would not be happy with an open relationship. With that in mind, I would face a dilemma if he cheated, as I would wonder why he fel the need to go behind my back, and why he couldn’t simply talk to me about his feelings, so that we could come to an arrangement, and explore an open relationship, or something like swinging/couple swapping. I would find it odd, given my pretty liberal views on sex, if he felt the need to go behind my back, and would then question if there were other issues in the relationship.

    However, I very much doubt I’d leave; I think I would want to stay and try to resolve the underlying issues, if possible. If it happened again, I again don’t know I’d leave, but would probably at that point suggest we should either have an open relationship, if he felt unable to stay faithful, or else that we split if there was more to it.

    So, very complicated in my case due to our differing views on sex.

    Post # 12
    Member
    1172 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 2013

    Has explained very carefully to DH that if he ever crosses a line either emotionally or physically, that I will cut his balls off and feed them to him and that there is no where he could hide in this world that would make him safe from my wrath.

     

    Kidding..On a more serious note…he crosses that line, its over done, and I will take everything he owns and then some.

    EDIT: Same goes for me. DH wouldnt tolerate it of me either.

    Everyone makes mistakes but IMO cheating is a thought out process. It doesnt happen in a split second. A person has plenty of time to say hey this shouldnt happen. If that thought doesnt appear in your head then you shouldnt be married and if it does and you shrug it off, then you definitely shouldnt be married and inflict that kind of pain on your spouse.

    Post # 13
    Member
    8044 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2013

    @mrssrm:  I really am not sure. I hope I am never in the situation to find out. It’s so easy to say you’d leave, but when it comes down to it… you don’t know. What if your finances are intertwined and you don’t work? What about the kids? Etc.

    My parents divorced and it sucked. There are soo many potential scenarios how it can all play out if you stay or leave.

    Was it a long, draw-out affair or a one night stand? Were real feeling involved? Yadda yadda. We all think these things don’t matter until we’re actually cheated on and we ask ourselves if we can forgive and learn to trust again.

    Post # 15
    Member
    7085 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: June 2013

    TBH I think it would depend on the situation. Cheating is not okay and I do not condone it but I don’t think I can just give a blanket answer.

    To me a one night stand would be easier to forgive than an emotional affair. I’m not sure that I would be able to stay with FI is he hooked up with a random stranger but it would be easier for me to work on forgiveness than an emotional affair (with or without physical contact). Again, I’m not saying that the one night stand would be okay but this would definitely depend on the situation and the willingness of FI to work on our relationship.

    Post # 16
    Member
    9172 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

    I’ve been with my guy for over a decade. I find it almost unfathomable that he would ever cheat on me. BUT, I would have an incredibly hard time ending a lifetime of love and partnership over a one-time incident. I voted “2 strikes you’re out” – a single misguided drunken fuckup that is 1000% regretted could be forgiven and forgotten, with a lot of work on both our parts. I think he would do the same for me.  

    I think a lifetime commitment to someone is hard work no matter how much you love them, and part of loving your partner is working through each other’s worst moments together. 

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