Post # 1
After seeing another Bee’s post about what to discuss before TTC, I thought I’d start one on what you should discuss before marriage (seeing as a lot of the TTC stuff was ‘probably should be before marriage)? From you married Bees, is there any topics that are ok to be unsure about? What topics should you have solid answers for before you get married?
This thread is obviously a little late for me and my FI, but I thought I’d start it for others. Specifically, I’m thinking about how I don’t know how far I’d go in fertility treatments or whether I’d adopt. It’s a bridge I’ll cross when I get there.
Also, any helpful books/resources for this that people can recommend?
I’m in a long distance relationship, so premarriage counseling wasn’t possible for us. I will add in that we read/used, which gave a nice combination of practical to romantic knowledge.
Five Love Languages, Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, and 1001 Questions to Ask Before you Get Married
Post # 3
Oh, and Smart Couples Finish Rich for more monetary details (which really helped us).
The who does what chores/what house stuff we glossed over because our life is so “nomadic” right now. But the baby thing is probably the biggest potential conflict and I just don’t know . .
Post # 4
We went through a book called 101 Questions to ask before you get engaged. It asked a lot of questions we might not have thought to ask otherwise, and it helps bring up topics that might be difficult to do on your own. It is written with a Christian background, but there are a lot of questions that would still apply to anyone in general.
Post # 5
Finances, values, children, where you see youerselves in 10,20,30,40,50 years, what marriage means to you individually, household responsibilities, conflict resolution, and you need to discuss and come up with what is and isn’t acceptable within your relationship with mutual agreement.
Post # 6
@pastrygirl: Money, children, religion and politics are some of the biggest icebergs. In day to day living you will find that household chores and neatness or lack thereof will cause friction. My ex husband was a slob. I would clean and he would deliberately lea ve messes for me since he resented the fact that I made more money than he did. Where will you be living? Will one of you be giving up a career to move to the other’s city. I would suggest not moving into the other’s home if possible and going in together to find a home of your own as some people have a hard time sharing their home with a new spouse. Also an agreement on spending and saving goals, how often the inlaws visit and how much free time you will spend with each other versus with your friends or at your job are all avenues that warrant discussion. Good luck to you and your future spouse.
Post # 7
There are a bunch! Finances, goals, children (how many, when to have them, and how to discipline them), husband and wife roles, housework, religion, values, family traditions, sex, marital expectations…those are the main ones we discussed in premarital counseling.
Post # 8
Quite a few: Finances, Career (what if an opportunity came for one person but means the other person might be without a job/lower pay; change in career paths, etc), Religion, Education (planning on Masters, how will that play out? Will one person support the other), Family Roles, SAHM/WM, values, childrens education (private, public- pay for college or let them pay for it themselves), family relationships (thanksgiving dinners/x-mas; helping family out via time/money).