Hello Hive! So when it comes to wedding related etiquette, what do you disagree with or not understand?
For me, it is the expectation of gifts. I do give gifts to events I attend, or to people I am very close to, but I had no idea there was such an expectation. I really can't wrap my mind around the idea of people counting gifts and complaining about how little thought or money went into it. I also had never heard of, nor do I understand the "covering your plate" concept. 1) How am I supposed to know how much my plate is. 2) I am suppose to base my congradulatory gift of well wishes based on how expensive or thrifty of a wedding you are having?
I disagree with the fact that stating you would prefer cash is rude. I would rather give a couple money (what I can afford) for them to buy what they like, than buying a saucer for 100 Euros off a register which seem to be OK but is technically just the same deal if not slightly ruder, or buying a gift only for the couple to ask where I got it from so they could return it.
For me it's cash bar, I see nothing wrong with having a cash bar at all. If guests really want alcohol, I see nothing wrong with them buying it. If they don't want to pay for it then they can have water or soft drink. But maybe that's culture, the last wedding I went to (and the only one I can remember, because the first one I went to was when I was six and the second was when I was 9) had a cash bar and no one had a problem with it. Weddings are expensive enough as it is!
@Cariad: +1
Giving cash enables the couple to use MONEY for stuff they actually need/want. Maybe you $100 is going to the electricity bill this month, maybe it bought them a couples massage on their honeymoon. IMO, cash is always the best gift.
@Cariad: I have no objection to asking for cash, but I hate the bloody money poems people use. My favourite request for cash was from a friend who said, "We're old enough and ugly enough to have accumulated a two houses full of rubbish and we've booked a honeymoon we can't really afford, so if you would like to give us anything a contribution towards that honeymoon would be wonderful."
As for etiquette that I dislike there's a lot:
I'm sure there are a lot more but I can't think of them now.
@SpecialSundae: It could be a british thing... 
. Here in Greece, we had people calling up confused because we hadn't included our bank details haha!
Also, this, I think is a british thing, where I do not see the problem at all with tiered reception. Inviting a select number for the sit-down meal, before inviting the whole world and it's dog to the evening part of the reception, which usually has a buffet. I don't see it rude that cousin Molly can't afford to pay for a sit down meal for me, but would still like to have me be a part of her special day.
@Cariad: I totally agree but that also seems to be a British thing. That said, US weddings seem to start around the same time as our evening receptions do!
@Cariad: A million times this. I don't care if people think it's rude, honestly, because I think they're being ridiculous. If someone I care about is getting married and I'm gonna spend money on them, I want them to have what will make them the happiest. If that's money, I'm glad to know so I didn't buy them their 19th crockpot.
I don't understand the not including registry details as an insert into invitations. I just don't see it as being "gift grabby" as some have called it. I've only ever recieved one invite that did not including registry details in it and it annoyed me to no end, if I want to give a gift I shouldn't have to call around to random people I may or may not know or the bride and groom to ask where they're registered. And just because registry information is included in the invitation I don't see it as implying a gift is required to attend.
@SpecialSundae: Isn't it funny our little differences. There is the other side of the coin where I find it quite rude to ask BMs to go to great costs to be part of the wedding. It's a big no-no in Wales at least to ask someone to be your BM and then expect them to shell out a bloody fortune on dresses, shoes, hair etc....
@Cariad: I know! I was absolutely shocked when I first found out about that. I could understand more if they got to choose their own dresses, but generally they don't.
I don't understand favors, although those definitely aren't a must-have anymore. Isn't feeding and giving drinks enough of a favor to guests?
@NAvery I totally agree! We're forgoing "favors" in favor of providing guests with better touches - crinkle fans for the ceremony in case they get hot, for instance. People keep suggesting that we get at least little chocolates or have a candy bar or something and I'm like - we're having amazing desserts in addition to a wedding cake. Isn't that better than an off brand chocolate with my name on it? Would people really prefer a tin of M&Ms to a chocolate pot du creme?
wearing any sort of whitish color to the wedding. I will wear whatever I damn well please.
cash bars. I don't get the stigma attached to them.
requesting cash. cash is the best gift, and I'm glad it's common in my culture. I think it's rude to request an amount of money, not request money.
BMs paying for their own dresses. This is definitely a British thing, but I couldn't imagine asking my girls to buy an expensive dress to match my colour scheme. If I want them to wear something, I'll pay for it.
The other thing I disagree with are the people who refuse to contribute to a honeymoon registry because it's 'tacky' - if I'm giving my friends or relatives a gift, I want to give them something THEY want, not something I think they should have.
I have a three main ones.....
1. That preferring to receive cash is rude. I'd rather give a couple cash so they can put it towards something they really want or need than give them a toaster when they already have one.
2. That you need to include a partner for everyone you invite. I see no problem with inviting a bunch of work colleagues or a group of DH's friends from his rec soccer team and sitting them together and not inviting their partners you've met once or twice in passing at the work christmas party especially if it would come a the expense of inviting people close to you.
3. Anyone who ever addresses my mail as 'Mrs Theodore ************ulos' will be on the receiving end of one angry lecture. Just because I am married doesn't mean I am 'just' his Mrs, I am still Kathryn/Katie.
@lookingglass: +1 I really don't understand this, unless you allow peoPle to choose their own dresses. The argument I have heard here is that people can choose not to be in the wedding if they can't afford it but that can cause problems too!
Mine might be an unpopular one! I don't get the wedding cake and cutting of the cake tradition. In the beginning I was trying to arrange to have the wedding cake as dessert to cut costs but hotels wouldn'. Agree to it. Why then, should I spend more money On a cake then there's piles of food!!
@Savvy24: Yeah I agree. Another thing I've never understood is the American tradition of forcing your bridesmaids to pay for their own outfits/hair/makeup. I'm from the UK, and think that is very rude and selfish. If you ask someone to be in your wedding you shouldn't then demand they pay for an expensive dress they may not even like, plus hair and makeup.
I understand it!s the done thing in America and some other countries, but I think it's very inconsiderate. I know another commenter said its a British thing, but I've been to lots of weddings and been a bridesmaid many times and have never, ever had to pay for or even heard of BMs paying for their own dresses. It's definitely not a British thing.
Maybe it just depends on the person.
@Cariad: Oh god yes. I don't understand why the tiered reception thing is so rude - or why everything is apparently seen as 'gift grabby' - maybe I just want to celebrate and include people I'm not as close to, for at least part of my wedding, why is that rude?
I think so much of this is regional-dependent - in my group of friends, a formal thank-you card is the exception, not the norm, and including a registry card would be very surprising as everyone would usually just give cash.
@BridieBea: I meant 'it's a British thing' meaning not agreeing with it, if there was any confusion! :)
In America, it is totally standard to pay for your own dress etc as a bridesmaid. That being said, I told my wedding party to wear whatever they want with a few guidelines. I don't care if they borrow, etc, but this way they at least wear something they like. And I will pay for hair and makeup if want it done, most likely just hair, though. Everyone knows how to do their own makeup.
As for cash, I think it's weird to ask. Just don't register, people will get the point. Lots of older people like to give home items, so telling anyone what they 'should' give you is strange in my opinion. It's a gift, take it.
I don't get the gift giving expectation. Especially if you don't attend, you're still supposed to buy a gift? I do that, because it's 'etiquette,' but I really would never expect this from others. More than anything I want my friends and family at my wedding, a gift on top of that is complete generosity in my opinion.
And not wearing light colors, red, bright colors, black etc to a wedding. I mean, please. People should wear whatever they want.
I don't get most of wedding traditions or etiquette
* garter/bouquet toss - like wtf? yes, I really want my close family and friends to watch my hubby stick his head up my dress.
* no cash bar - I don't care what anyone says, it is not rude to have a cash bar. I had a cash bar, and no one minded. No, I am not going to cut something else out of my wedding just so I can spend an obscene amount of money on people getting drunk. I had all non-alc drinks complimentary, so I did my part.
* cake cutting - really! Who wants to sit and watch you cut a cake and feed it to each other, just hand the sh*t out already, you're torturing me. Plus, it's not even entertaining.
i could go on and on.....
@bridiebea
I find your statements rude. When dicussing things on the bee people who rush to judgement without taking other peoples cultures and backgrounds into consideration are extremely short sighted I think. No one in America forces their bridesmaid to get dresses. It's customery here and everyone knows this.
If I see a British bride posting about tiered receptions because it's the norm there I don't label it as rude. Things that are rude in the Uk are the norm in America and vice versa. Your culture isn't superior and right nor is America or any other countries. They are simply differences which you don't have to like, or even think is polite, but I think should realize that the world and people come from different perspectives and have at least a modicum of respect for their culture and traditional norms.
@TwoCityBride: Um, I don't want to sound snarky or anything, but I thought the point of this post was to point out the things you didn't like/agree with in some traditions. This is the perfect place to say you disagree/don't understand tiered receptions- not bash another bee about what she has a different opinion on!
@TwoCityBride: I'm sorry, but I see rants about cash bars all the time on this forum saying how rude they are when for the person whose wedding it is that doesn't seem rude.
Why is it acceptable to rant about how rude cash bars are and not about how rude it is to demand that someone buys a particular dress?
@Regina Phalange: I agree with all of these.
I'm pretty clueless on wedding etiquette for the most part... (I've really learned a lot on this site since signing up!)
I don't agree with having your BM and GM pay for their expenses. We're paying for everything for them (except travel expenses for DW but we told them repeatidly we understood if they couldn't make it) But attire, hair/makeup, etc we will be taking care of all that.
@Jacqui90: I think the cash bar thing is regional though. I'm from Louisiana and our culture is all about food and alcohol. Events are measured by if the food was good and was there enough alcohol. So I've never seen a cash bar at weddings I've been to back home. Just not done and, considering the region, would be seen as very rude by pretty much all the guests there. If you can't afford a full bar you just serve beer and wine only. Been to many weddings in the South where this was done and everyone was happy. But....again, it's a regional thing because I see where other regions cash bars are just considered the norm.
As for the white dress thing that another bee mentioned, why would you WANT to wear all white to a wedding though? I mean, yeah you are can wear what you want, but doesn't mean that other guests are not gonna think you are trying to annoy/upstage the bride.
Like a couple other people mentioned, I cannot STAND the garter toss. NO ONE needs to see my new husband's head up my dress. It disgusts me!
Secondly, I really hate when couples send invitations to people for the sole purpose of expecting a wedding gift in return. My college friend sent me a wedding invitation, and then sent my parents (whom he doesn't even know) one too! You KNOW that's just so that he can get another gift, since it's "polite" to send one even if you don't go to the wedding.
Ugh. It irks me.
@ClassyKate: You can still do a garter toss without the guy putting his head up the girl's dress you know. Been to many weddings(including my own) where the garter toss was still done with a lil class.
I am finding a lot of things people don't like, I don't mind at all. I have been in weddings and I am now planning my own. I think that since the majority of people you stand up in a wedding and are expected to pay for their dress, hair and makeup is standard, at least where I love. As well as splitting costs for the bridal shower and bachelorette party. I’m not offended if I am asked to be in a wedding and expected to pay these things, I consider it before accepting being in someone’s wedding if I will be able to afford such things and honestly, if they are my good friend I am more than willing and would love to help with whatever planning she needs as well.
I do have a little issue with a cash bar. There are a great deal of people who do actually pay for their plates and it is only considerate to your guests to have drinks provided as well. I understand that weddings are very expensive, as I am a bride with two children and have a $16,000 budget for my wedding, including honeymoon, but you have to be considerate to your guests.
Also I don’t find it gift grabby to send registry info with shower or wedding invites. To me, it’s traditional to give a gift at the shower and cash at the wedding. I believe it is best to try to help the bride and groom break even on at least their reception cost since most everything paid for including food, drinks, dancing, ect is for the guests to enjoy, not just the couple. And if you really care for the bride and groom, you want them to have some extra cash to start their new lives together, not be in debt. Though I believe if someone has a very expensive and extravagant wedding, that is not the guests job to be able to afford it if they cannot. Over the top is fine if that is what the bride and groom wants but they should not expect everyone else to be able to afford over the top as well.
@speicalsundae
Poeple rant about all types of things on the bee. I never said that ranting about one was acceptable and the other was not.
@BridieBea: Even in America its considered rude to force a bridesmaid to pay for hair/makeup. If you require that be done, you pay for it as the bride. It is considered though part of the deal that the BMs purchase the dress.
@Savvy24: "covering your plate" in my experience is not literal--it's really an expression that means not to be cheap when giving a gift, and that you should give cash to the wedding (gifts are for showers in this area)
I don't get sending each adult their own invitation. If I am inviting a friend who is in a relationship but doesn't live with that person, why wouldn't I just send the invitation for 2 people to my friend? I will not be following that rule for sure.
I also plan to invite families as one unit since I won't be giving the adult children dates anyway as this is a group of 6 families that are family friends and all know each other so they won't be lonely.
I just don't get wasting invitations by sending so many separate ones.
I don't get the "you can't wear white to my wedding" thing!
I mean would there really be confusion over who the bride is.
I don't get the whole "if you invite a few kids, you have to invite them all" rule. If we stuck to that rule, our guest list would be over 400 people. Impossible. There will be a FEW kids at our wedding, including younger cousins and children of close friends. But I'm sorry, I am not inviting my cousin's 6 children who I have never met. I don't even know their names or ages, and I'm pretty sure he's created these 6 children with, like, 4 different women.
I never heard of "covering your plate" etiquette either until recently. That seems so damn harsh! The amount I spend on a gift relates to how close I am with the couple and what I can afford, NOT how much they spend on their wedding.
I also never heard that it was "tacky" to include a list of where the couple is registered in a shower invitation. Um, how the hell else are people supposed to know where the buy the gifts? I have never received an invite WITHOUT this information.
In general, I can't stand the "yes, we're expecting gifts/money but we have to pretend that we aren't because that's tacky/offensive" attitude. Seriously people? It's a card box/registry, not the bride and groom on their knees begging for charity. People are getting married. Guests give them gifts. End of story.
I don't know why the garter/bouqet toss offends people. Yes, I've seen some grooms get out of hand with their head up the skirt or wiping their mouth (gross), but you can participate in this tradition without doing those trashy things. And what in the world can possibly be offensive about a bride tossing some flowers to a bunch of single women?
The thing that probably bothers me the most is the fact that people find the bridal dance (wrongly dubbed "the dollar dance") tacky or offensive. I never knew this was an issue until I joined this board. I am Polish and this tradition is extremely important to my family and our culture. I have never been to a wedding where the bridal dance wasn't done. I understand if you don't "get" it because it may not be part of your heritage, but to label it as tacky or offensive when you don't know anything about the culture offends ME.
As far as the BM/GM items, I've never experienced a situation where the bride and groom pay for everything. Typically the BMs and GMs pay for the dresses and tuxes and the bride buys jewelry for her maids. It's common courtesy for the bride and groom to make sure that their attendants are comfortable with these costs, obviously, and budget will be discussed and honored. As a bride, I would NEVER demand that my maids get a dress they can't afford, shoes that hurt their feet, and manis and pedis they might not be able to fit into their budget. And as a bridesmaid in the past, I've never been forced to wear/buy something that I couldn't afford. I think if you're close enough to someone to be in their wedding party, you should be close enough to them to be able to have an open and honest conversation about costs.
There's loads of stuff I don't agree with, but one of my biggest bugbears is people clamouring over how 'gift-grabby' it is to include registry info in the invitation, or to ask for cash in lieu of gifts, but don't bat an eyelid at the idea of a shower. The whole point of a shower is that people present gifts! If that's not gift-grabby, I don't understand how letting your guests who would like to give a gift know what you would like is.
Yea, I don't get how people think it's tacky to include your registry in your invitation. Why make people do unnecessary searching to figure out where you are registered. Its really not that complicated of a thing to just include them in the invite, save your guests the trouble, they are going to get you a gift anyway.
Why can't people just keep things simple? When i was in school for my Event Planning, i had one teacher that kept stressing on "Don't think so hard" and "Think inside the box" when planning an event. I find this great advice, because why the heck do people have to make things so complicated when it doesn't have to be.
@lookingglass: I am American and I 100% agree that bridesmsids should not have to pay for their own dresses. I aPalestrina them pick their dresses, and I am paying for them. I just don't believe that my wedding should be a financial burden on other people.
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