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@MrsSl82be: I don't always get along with my MIL, but I have distanced myself from her quite a bit (moved) and it's gotten better. We're not going to be going out for a spa day any time soon, but her controlling behavior is not enough to drive DH and I apart. I'm the mother of her grand-kids and we both know to be pleasant if for that reason alone, even if it's fake.
If my in-laws for whatever reason treated my child poorly, or treated me badly and my husband was not in my corner (as in, until the situation changed, he is not putting himself into any situations with them where I am not included), I would divorce him. My allegiance is to my family yes, but my child and dignity are not worth putting in jeopardy for a relationship. That is just where I draw the line. My child comes first no matter what. And if my husband made it clear that it's not really very important to hold either of those things sacred, I'm gone.
@KatyElle: So you have an understanding with her, can be cordial, but your line is drawn if it affects your child negatively? That actually sounds like a really good compromise, especially since you probably don't see her all that much. And I totally agree, if I had children and they were affected negatively at all by them (whether they were their grandparents or step) I would be out the door so fast!!
Nope, I dont think I would. I don't know why anyone would want to marry into such animocity. Then again, I have a fantastic relationship with my IL's and I don't know what it's like to be on the other side.
I'm very lucky that my IL's are great people. We've gotten along fabulously since we first started dating and our relationship has only progressed from there. My MIL loves the crap out of me and she always tells me how I'm the daughter she never had. My FIL is a man of few words but I know he loves me and he's happy that I'm his daughter now. DH gets along great with my mom, too. It just makes it so much easier when everyone is friendly with each other. There's nothing worse than hating your IL's since it almost always affects your relationship with your other half in some way.
It's no secret that I have issues with FMIL. FI's parents aren't together and I get along great with his father and stepmother. I usually just keep my distance when it comes to FMIL. I feel that because she's not my mother I shouldn't be the one to address her in certain aspects so I usually bother him until he takes a stance on something.
I cant imagine not being with someone because of any parental feuds. I understand thru marraige one inherits a family but they dont have to always be around.
@MrsSl82be: We got into a very bad argument about 3 years ago. I told her exactly how I felt, she told me she didn't want things to get ruined for DD's sake. I accepted it for what it is ("I want a relationship with your DD but we're not going to be best friends"), I decided I could live with it, and shortly after that we moved away. My husband fully supported the decision, and I did not ask him to choose between us, but he chose our family. It has been SO much better with the occasional visits instead of every day. I can totally be cordial, not everyone is meant to get along.
But the MOST important thing is, she adores our daughter and is a wonderful grandparent. She loves her and would do anything for her. If she treated my child and I badly/refused to have us around, and my husband's attitude was "Oh well, that's just her way, I guess I'll just go have Thanksgiving without you guys, bye!" he'd come home from that dinner to an empty house and my attorney's phone number. If we are not a united front in all matters, we are not meant to be. I have gone to bat for him MANY times for him with my own father, and in the end my father decided that it was better for him to get along and be nice than never see our family.
No way would I be able to marry someone that didn't get along with my parents/siblings/family. I really enjoy my family and I can't imagine spending the rest of my life with someone that doesn't enjoy them or vice versa.
The same token, I'd never marry someone who's family I didn't get along with. I can't imagine spending any of my time, which is valuable, with people i cant stand. That doesn't mean that the relationships are always rainbows and butterfly's just like in my own family. However; we all really like each other, love our family and want the best for everyone, and as a family try to help each other along the way.
My mom's mother didn't like my dad, well truth be told she didn't like anyone, including my mother, but my oldest brother. It's a shame when you have to cut toxic people out of your life and they are you're own family. I always feel terrible for bee's that have to do that. I'm thankful that I have a stable, caring family and could rely on them for their opions.
I'm not sure if I'd be able to tolerate a seriously difficult relationship with in-laws.
I think it depends on how close they lived and how my husband dealt with the situation.
I absolutely would NOT tolerate a husband who put his parents or siblings before me and our children. That's for sure!
@KatyElle: now see, that's a really good compromise, and it seems to work well. I think the key thing here is: you and your husband are on the same page, and she treats your daughter great
@MASPA: I think parental feuds are different from them actually not getting along with you. If his parents openly hated you (for whatever reason) would you still stay in that relationship? Would it be different if you saw that your FI was not really "taking your side" against his parents?
@HisIrishPrincess: my dad chose us over his family many years ago, and never regretted it. THey are just very disturbed, toxic people, and we are better off not knowing them. And my husband's mother is no longer in the picture, because she is a terrible alcoholic and continues to choose drinking over her family. Its sad, but you have to do what's best for the family as a whole
I have a similar situation to katyelle's, except that unfortunately my MIL doesn't care enough to put her animosity aside for the sake of her first born grandchild (our son.) Put it this way, our son doesn't even know who she is. We didn't realize how unsupportive she was until we got engaged and started planning the wedding.
We had a lot of drama, they didn't come to the wedding and in the end, my DH has chosen myself and our son because his own mother obviously doesn't support him for her own reasons. It really sucks not to have family support from that side, but we have tried to reach out to her, asked her to see her grandson on numerous occasions, and all she has resorted to is mailing gifts to the house for our son on holidays. (Which I now send back with a note saying that it would mean more to our child to see him in person; she only lives 20 minutes away.)
Bottom line is, it's not DH's fault that his mother did not support us or our marriage. She has her own issues with control, not being able to let go of control and not being able to let go of her first born son, and I still don't think she has come to terms with him being a man and a father. We honestly considered splitting because she was driving a wedge into our relationship so badly, but how would that be fair to us or our son? It's definitely not the ideal situation, and we'd love to have everyone be one big happy family, or even one big civil family, but she is unable to move forward and accept things so it is what it is.
I have a quote on our living room wall "It's not about the family you came from, but the family you are going to have." And there are pictures of myself and my DH and DS above the quote. This is our family now.
ETA: when I said I have a similar situation to KatyElle's, I'm going by what she wrote as it sounded similar to things I've experienced with my MIL.
I don't think I could marry anyone that their family didn't get along with me or I with them. I LOVE my family - and I grew up knowing EVERY SINGLE MEMBER. It's weird to NOT have that for me. My SO doesn't see his cousins that much and doesn't know some of his family members but that's okay - they all don't even live in the same country! But the ones that he does know, I've meet and they LOVE me and I LOVE them - I'm even allowed to call his parents mom and dad and I call his siblings my siblings. If it WASN'T that way, it would feel so weird and I wouldn't be so excited about trying to figure out when/if he will propose.
I think that if FI's parents hated me, I could deal with that, but if they hated me AND he wanted to maintain a close relationship with them, as in go over to their house weekly for dinner, and expect us to hang out all the time, then I would probably end the relationship. I wouldn't mind that they don't like me but if my FI wasn't on my side and was subjecting me to them, then that's where I'd draw the line.
See, my problem is the opposite. BF's family loves me and has been bugging him to propose since they met me! It's my family that's the issue. BF is 13 years older than me and when we first started dating I was 18 and decided that we didn't want to tell anyone just until I moved out of my parents' house and became more "adult" in my parents' eyes.
So a year after this I come home and can't stand lying to my family as they're getting increasingly nosy and annoying about where I'm staying, what I'm doing and basically ridiculous requests. So I come out and tell my dad. He didn't flip out like I thought he would but he's mad. Still mad and it's been 8 months since I told him and he gets mad if I bring BF with me to family events (not outwardly but he bitches behind my back and when he's at home) and such.
BF and I knew our situation before we even started dating but we knew there was nothing that would keep us apart. I'm not super close with my family in the first place. I used to be but whenever I'm there all they do is bitch at me or ask me for money.
So are we still going to get married? Yes. We've done everything my dad has requested, I've refrained from bringing BF to events and such but he STILL is acting like a child and being stupid about it. At this point there is nothing we can do. If he wants to act like a child that's his business. Soon he'll realize that this "issue" is not going to just go away and that he needs to realize he should just be happy for me.
I don't like my In-laws but am marrying my SO, he is nothing like them, so I am willing to put up with them for him. We don't hate each other, we just have different opinions about life.
I'd be sad if my in-laws didn't like me, but it wouldn't keep me from getting married as long as my husband was on my side. If I know he's ready to put me first, then I'm okay with it because there's nothing offensive about me and if his family can't accept me, they need to get over their prejudice or deal with the fallout from it.
If my fiance didn't get along with my family, though, he probably wouldn't be right for me. I fit right in with my family, and if he doesn't fit with them, he doesn't fit with me.
My MIL started a huge fight right after our wedding.
We did not go out anywhere for a honeymoon. But we also did not invite any people over to our place for the next 2-3 weeks sort of as a pseudo honeymoon.
My FIL called us after 3 weeks saying he was bored at home and wanted to come over. And he did. MIL didn't call/ask us to come over in that interim. She also cannot drive so if she has to come over, we have to go pick her up. She is more than 40 MILES away. But she started to fight about it a few weeks later that we don't want her coming over. Her and FIL have split up over a decade ago. She found out that FIL was over @ our place. (I guess BEFORE her!) So she took it out on us and is not on good speaking terms with us. Am I going to leave my hubby for that or vice-versa? No. Some ILs are IDIOTS at best. Don't have to lose your love over it.
We did not justify her tantrum with any apology. She wants me to apologize. But I am not going to. It's not worth it. Hubby has absolutely no emotional attachment to his parents because they were always busy fighting with eachother and neglecting all their kids in the process. Trying to make any kind of amends in our case is totally worthless. She will come around when she feels alone or needy. She's bee doing that tactic for YEARS.
I wouldn't be with someone who wouldn't make the effort to get along with my family, and that goes both ways. Of course there are differences in personality, preferences, ways of doing things - but it's not impossible to put those differences aside and be polite to someone, even if you don't particularly like them.
I find my FMIL and my partner's step-mother both to be a bit irritating. We have different personalities, and they wouldn't be who I would personally choose to spend a substantial amount of my time with. But they are welcoming to me, and perfectly pleasant to me at all times (especially my FMIL, who regularly offers to help me out with things since my partner and I are LDR at the moment). And above all, every member of his family has firmly embraced and welcomed my daughter into their family, which is my number one concern. So I don't love going for dinner at the FILs? So I don't love living on the same street as my FMIL? Meh. I love my partner and they're part of the package, so I'll put up with any annoyances that arise.
If they legimately acted as if they hated me - talking badly about me or my child to my partner/others, refused to include us in anything, picked fights - we'd have a different issue. I don't think it would be fair to our relationship if members of either family hated one of us, because I wouldn't expect him to cut off ties with his parents (and vice versa) and it would be terribly awkward and hurtful.
Honestly... I don't think I could have married a man that wasn't at least respectful and tolerant of my family. I don't care if he likes them, but he will get along with them and be civil. My family is pretty close and I love them very much and they are the only one I have, so I know I couldn't be one of those people who cuts their family off because their SO doesn't like them.
I have a FSIL (brother's lady) who is a loud-mouth, know-it-all bitch. She constantly talks down to all of us and treats us like we're morons. She is overly opinionated and never acts like any other perspective has any value. She's lazy and just... mean-spirited. I cannot believe that my brother allows to talk to his parents and siblings the way she does.
DH is... apathetic about my family. I don't really know if he likes them one way or the other, but he gets along fine with them and is respectful around them. I think he doesn't understand them because my family is close-knit, loves holidays, loves traditions, loves giving gifts and he didn't grow up like that. He's also never spent a ton of time around them, so I think the different family dynamic makes him a little uncomfortable still.
I got along fine with DHs parents when they were still living. His mom was a little nuts, but she liked me and was always very nice to me. DHs dad, frankly, was a control freak. I did my very best to always be respectful of his home and never to try to undermine his place with DH. In the end, he approved of our marriage and there was no issue. I guess I got lucky not to have in-law drama like a lot of people do.
One of the first things I wanted to learn about DH when we started dating, was their family dynamic. Are they nice? Does he cow-tow to them, are they accepting of me?
I grew up with toxic grandparents....no way in hell was I going to marry someone with in-laws like my mom dealt with. They either had to be nice people, or he had to be willing to cut them out.
While his parents do little things that bug me, they are not even 0.000001% of what my grandparents are, and so far, on things that I'm really unhappy about, DH has stood by my side on it. He gets along with my family, and I get along with his. I do know they will love and care for our children the way that grandparents should. They will be nothing like the people that tried to call themselves my grandparents.
My SO and I are dealing with this right now, and things around the holidays were really rough because I felt like he wasn't defending me to his parents. SO is living with them now, yet invites me over all the time. Every day that goes by, I care less and less how FFIL feels about me. It's very liberating. FFIL got rude toward me a couple of weeks ago, and SO and I left immediately and drove in the snow to my place 
. We do not speak to each other. We literally act like we are not in the same room, although I always act happy and he just scowls the entire time I am there. It's actually becoming amusing. He's just not worth getting in a tizzy over.
When SO and I have kids, they won't be having a relationship with his dad, because his dad said something very rude about my child and that is unacceptable. SO has already laid down the line with his dad. SO told his mom if she wants to see her grandchildren, she has to come to us. No questions asked, no arguements. That's the way it is, and she has to be loving and attentive toward my son. He's not to be excluded.
My satisfaction in the relationship increased tenfold once SO started defending me and my son. I completely trust him to continue to do so.
Maybe its just the sort of relationship I have with my parents, but I'll date who I like. It has nothing to do with how well FI gets along with my parents or if they approve. I don't see marriage as two families coming together as much as I see it as two people coming together and making their own family.
Honestly both FI and I are civil and polite, even to people we don't like. I would not date someone who was the cause of drama or had the personality to start fights all the time, or who intentionally caused tension. But if I loved my FI and my family didn't (and couldn't be polite to him) then I would choose FH over my family. It would be their loss for not being able to get along.
Well This is a situation in itself... my fiance is filipino and his dad is VERY set in his ways... we have knocked heads in the past but just over a year ago we had an altercation which had me on the phone with the police... needless to say, we have not spoken since... it does bother me a lot... this is not something I wish for my wonderful fance... it definitley will not affect our future... I will try to make a mends between him and I before the wedding, but Things will never ever be 100% between us again... I will NOT ever be alone with him and I will not trust him to be around any future children we may have unless there is someone there to watch over or he goes into therapy... FI doesnt 100% agree but he sees my concern.
I dont think I could have married someone my parents didnt like, and my husband feels the same way. I dont think my parents would dislike anyone I'd choosen though unless he was a totally jackass and I was blind to it though, so if they actually spoke up about it, it must be for a reason. They've never voiced dislike for anyone that I dated. My husband has broken up with a girl before cause his family didnt like her, granted I dont think they were dating long, but family was important enough that it was taken into consideration that he didnt want to bother continuing with someone that wouldnt get along with the family. Maybe it might have been different it they'd been more serious before the family got to meet her.
Hmm. Well, FI's dad didn't like me when we first started dating because I was "taking his son away." FI moved away to school about a year after we started dating and it just happened to be close to me. He said some ugly things about me and FI totally stood up for me - he didn't speak to his dad for over a month until he felt we were both satisfied with his dad's apology. Just because his dad can be a jerk doesn't mean I'm not going to marry FI. Now we get along fine. We're cordial, we can even have some decent conversations. Why? Because he respects me and understands the role I play in his son's life now. He knows that if he crosses the line again that it's not just me he's upsetting, it's his son. If that loyalty wasn't there then we wouldn't still be together.
Now, my parents love FI and vice versa. My parents are just....well, great. They are extremely supportive and treat FI just like he's another one of their kids. He wasn't used to that, but he likes it. My brothers like him, my sister likes him, my Nanny likes him...and he likes them. I love that. I will say it's MUCH more enjoyable to be around my family, even for him.
FI's mom is pretty absent. So I tolerate her when we see her, but some of the stuff she's done in the past to FI and FBIL were crappy. We'll never be close, but they are not close anyway. She's never been rude to me, but well, she's just an interesting case.
I don't think it would have affected my decision either way. My in-laws are wonderful. But even if they weren't, I didn't marry them, I only married him. If they had hated me, AND he had failed to stand up for me, then I would have left the relationship. But in that case, it wouldn't be because of them, it would be because of him and how he had handled the situation. As for if my family hadn't approved of him, I would take their opinions into consideration but make my own decision. I am a grown woman, I don't need anybody's approval. The only two people who can affect our relationship are me and him. Nobody else could have such power.
I would have married my husband even if the whole world was against us.
My theory is that you marry him, not his family. My IL's are the scum of the earth and there is no way that I would give up what my dh and I have just b/c they don't like me or vice-versa. They abused my husband until he went to college, needless to say their opinion doesn't really matter to me.
I would still marry my SO in a heart beat if I didn't get along with his family, if they didn't like me etc. One reason being we don't live in the same city. LOL. So that's easy. I know his parents "approval" was important to him and they have always been so supportive. So I can't say we would even get to this point if there was some crazy family tension. I've never experienced that before. But just for the simple fact that we are out here alone, the in laws thing wouldnt even matter lol.
I would say that if my family did not like someone I was dating, I would take a good long look at the situation before proceeding. We tend to agree with the person we're sleeping with--an outside perspective is a good thing. My family is crazy but they love me and want me to be happy. But if a I were not close with my family or someone in my family was known for being a little unhinged, then I would not let it affect my love life. I mean, if my nutcase mother with apron strings issues hates my dude, I am not feeding into that sort of crazy.
@zomgwut: Great point! I have had fellow bees suggest that I leave my SO because my FFIL put me and my son down. If someone is crazy, how should that steer me away from my soul mate? This is the happiest I've ever been with anyone, and leaving SO would be letting the crazy guy win. Another PP said she would still be with her SO if the whole world was against him. That's so sweet :)
OP, you wrote: we couldn't imagine being with someone who caused tension in the family (for whatever reason).
It's not always the SO who causes tension. It is sometimes the family! It's easy to say that you would not put up with it, but if you were actually in that situation with someone you love more than anything in the world, you just might put up with it! Every situation is different and I will say, I can see clearly why someone would be with the love of their life, even when they don't get along with the family, or the family doesn't like them or whatever.
That being said, I can also see why some would not be happy for their daughter or son because of who they are with. The post is just very vague and leaves a lot of room for judging other people's relationships.
I couldn't marry someone that my parents didn't like, and FH is the same. My parents LOVE FH and he loves them. Its the same with me and my FILs. That being said, wedding planning has been...stressful. FIL's have been annoying to an extent, but FH ALWAYS has my back and stands up for me/us in every issue that comes up - we are a united front. I know he'll always support me and our future family if the need arises and I'm greatful.
@Stammie16: What if the parents "like" you to your face but then tell your SO behind your back that they think he can do better? I found out about my FFIL's opinion of me 6 months into my r'ship... after SO and I fell in love and were extremely happy. I flirted with the idea of breaking up over it, and I told him I need a day to think, but we were both miserable without each other. I agree that it's ideal to have everyone get along, and I envy your situation! :)
@Mrs. Harmony: I'm fairly confident that I'd know if my FIL's didn't really like me. Right now I know my FMIL doesn't agree with all of my wedding decisions but I don't really care. FH's brother and his GF on the other hand...FILs did like her for most of their relationship, but recently there have been some issues, and they've now essentially told him that they'd be unhappy if he proposed to her. I know if there was anything remotely similar going on with me and FH, I'd know about it.
I think if your FIL's are at least respectful of your relationship with your FH and respectful to you, you shouldn't end your relationship if you're ready to get married. As PPs said, if your FH has your back thats important.
I posted a few days ago, but I wanted to add something.
@JewishBride: You said that you marry your SO and not the family. In some cases, this is true. Im really glad that since your DH was abused by his parents, you are both detached from them and they don't affect your everyday life in a negative way. That is the healthiest option for you guys.
However, in many cultures- you really do marry into the family as well as the SO. I'm Greek and I was always hyper-aware whenever I was seriously dating to scope out the character of my partner's family was and how my partner dealt with his family.
I've been married only 2 weeks and although my DH's family are very good people and I love them...I'm already annoyed at how often his mom calls. So I'm realizing that I would probably not be able to deal with super overbearing or wacky in-laws.
What DH's mom is doing isn't even that bad or that big of a deal...but it annoys the crap out of me.
So it seems it would cause a lot of problems in my marriage if I had to deal with very difficult in-laws.
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Beekeeper
When it comes to dealing with FIL's? I ask this because a few nights ago, I was telling hubs about something I read on here, and we both are in agreement that we could have never married someone who didn't get along and were accepted into the family. We spend a lot of time with our families (we all live within 45 mins of each other, our parents live int he same neighborhood about 15 mins from us) so we couldn't imagine being with someone who caused tension in the family (for whatever reason). We are very lucky that we all are one big happy family, and get along really, really well together. I mean, we lived with my FIL for 4 years, and he's like my second dad. And when my mom talks about her kids, she says she has 2 sons (one being my hubs).
So, my question is, would you be able to marry someone where you don't get along with the ILs, for whatever reason? If so, why? Is it because there is distance and you won't see them often? What would be your point where you would walk away from the relationship.
Just curious how others think when it comes to these dynamics, since I know not many would leave a person they love because of their family.