Post # 1
I just read on another thread that if a marriage ends within the first year, the couple is “supposed” to return the gifts.
If you’ve read any of my earlier posts, you know that my soon-to-be-ex-husband started cheating on me 3 months into our marriage, and walked out the day after our six month anniversary.
I’ve had several people ask who was keeping this and that (some specific to wedding gifts, others not). I kept all the ‘stuff’ we got, and all the ‘stuff’ we bought with wedding money; he kept all the checks, etc. since he was supposed to have already used them to pay off the honeymoon, which he booked on his credit card.
Not sure if he did or not, since I found out later he was lying to me about finances (thousands of dollars of hidden credit card debt! good thing my lawyer is awesome…I refuse to pay a penny on his mistakes).
Anyway, in this situation, would you, as a guest, expect to receive your gift back? Or some sort of compensation if you gave something like a pan that I’ve now been using for 6+ months?
Post # 3
Whoops, I was one of the ones who mentioned that. I’m not sure where I heard it…
Anyway, first off, I’m so, so sorry to hear that. 🙁
Second… even though its “etiquette”, now that I think about a situation like that – as a friend/former wedding guest, I would definitely not expect my gift back. Maybe before the wedding, but if this happened to a friend of mine, a pan or a coffee maker would be the least of my worries for her.
Post # 4
I wouldn’t expect to get gifts back.
Post # 5
I wouldn’t, but if someone cashed a cheque from me and broke up that same week or month, I would be annoyed.
It really depends on the circumstances.
Post # 6
Eh… I think it kind of depends. If a couple broke up before the wedding I guess I would sort of feel like they should send stuff back. After the wedding I really wouldn’t expect a physical gift back because I would assume they’d be using it and trying to write checks for physical gifts you got seems like the last thing someone would want to deal with during a breakup. For cash gifts (especially ones that were more… like over 100 maybe) I’d think it was nice if it was sent back… more so the closer to the wedding they broke up. But regardless I wouldn’t “expect” it.
Post # 7
If you were my friend the last thing I would be worrying about is my gift. Of any of these people truly are about you they will want to know you are ok, not where their toaster is.
Post # 8
I wouldn’t expect the gift back and I would think it would be highly insensitive for someone to ask for their gift back.
Post # 9
In your situation I would absolutely NOT expect the gift back. A situation that I would expect gives to be returned is a particular family member I have that every couple of years gets engaged to her long term boyfriend, sets a wedding date, has showers etc, and then cancels the wedding and keeps the gifts. Most of us don’t get her gifts anymore, but some of my family feels like they have to.
Post # 10
I could be wrong about this, but it’s kinda like the engagement ring.
It’s given to the couple because they are getting married. If they get married, they completed their obligation and get to keep the “prize” (present). If they DO NOT get married, they are obligated to return the gifts because they did not fulfill their obligation.
does that make sense???
Basically, if you get married you get to keep it, if you don’t get married, you have to return it.
Again, I could be wrong, but I think that’s how it’s supposed to work….
Post # 11
I didn’t mean to make it sound like people asked me to give them back anything. Mostly people who don’t like him because he cheated were like, “But you’re keeping the toaster I gave you, right? He isn’t keeping that. I want you to keep it.”
One friend gave us a really nice coffee/espresso maker, and I don’t drink coffee. She was REALLY mad that he took it when he moved out.
Post # 12
I think it depends on the circumstances. If you break up quite soon after the relationship, and things are still in boxes… then it would be right to return them. Money too, unless it went to something really important and completely non-refundable. But it really depends on the circumstances.
On the other thread, the couple broke up during the honeymoon. In that case, they have no excuse for not returning everything.
Post # 13
In your situation, if I were your friend, I’d just be worried about you. I’m so sorry you’re going through what you are. 🙁 The kind of situation I think most people are talking about are the kind where the couple KNOWS the marriage isn’t a good idea, they’ve talked about it or something, but they do it anyway to avoid the shame, then get divorced almost immediately afterward.
Post # 14
This is why i usually wait to give the gift. My cousin cheated on her husband before they even had their huge military wedding. He figured things out about 3months in and kicked her to the curb and she moved in with the guy she was running around with. She kept everything. Alot of things hadn’t even been shipped to their new house on Base from her parents home, and she made special trip home for those items. Pissed off numerous people and when she had her second and third weddings, we never went.
Post # 15
The etiquette rule is only 6 months. When my cousin got divorced they waited until a week after 6 months to announce it so that they didn’t have to return the gifts, it sounds terrible, but they actually bought a house with the money and to return the cash would have meant my cousin wouldn’t have been able to pay the mortgage on his own by himself. However, even if it had been before that, none of us would have expected our gifts back, and my family is a stickler for etiquette. He found out she was cheating on him the entire time. I think circumstances play a big role.
Post # 16
I wouldnt expect a gift back anytime after the wedding. No matter what the situation is, if you just broke up with someone you married, you have more important things to worry about than trying to return gifts. It would be pretty selfisg to worry about a toaster i gave when a marriage just broke up.