Post # 1
This is a spinoff of if your SO knows who you have slept with.
My question is what if after becoming engaged you find out your perception was wrong. You assumed your SO only slept with a handful of people before you because of what s/he has shared. It turns out that number is 75+. What changes for you?
This does sort of apply to me. My Darling Husband and I have never gotten into specifics of our sexual histories because it does not matter to us. We both knew we were each experienced coming into a relationship. My perception from what he’s told me of him is that he’s slept with less than 10 women. I think he thinks I’m along the same lines with maybe a couple of more.
The truth is I am in the 75+ group. I’ve previously shared that I had a couple of wild summers and that I’ve had my fun. I’ve never seen any benefit in sharing any additional details beyond that. His health is not at risk, we have an excellent sexual relationship and we are very happily committed to each other.
Post # 3
@peanuthead: does your SO really care about the number? mine doesn’t. i am in the same situation as you are and my dh has never asked. in fact, he doesn’t want to know. he knows that i have had more men than he had women but he really doesn’t care. to be honest, i know that he enjoys being with someone who is more sexual.
Post # 4
@peanuthead: I wouldn’t tell him the exact number if I were you. It may be sexist but it always looks worse when a woman has slept with that many people vs. when a man does.
I’ve slept with 4 people… so has my guy. I was okay with telling him the # because a) it’s not that many and b) I suck at keeping anything secret.
I see no reason to tell him your number… as you say, he doesn’t need to know it from a health point of view or anything. I just don’t see what the point is of bringing up something from the past if it may hurt your relationship. Even though he has nothing to worry about, he might not like to hear it… so I say spare him knowing. Besides, it really is none of his business.
Post # 5
I had assumed that Fiance had slept with more people than I did (because he lost his virginity 4 years before I did) so I was really surprised to find I had slept with more people. I really don’t care about the number, it’s just a number. As long as you’ve been tested and you’re fine it is no worry to me how many people you’ve been with. Honestly, Fiance and I only know each other’s because we’ve been friends since we were 15 & 16 years old (we’re now 28 and 29) and told each other about stuff like that and have met the other people we dated while we were dating them. If they were important, they met Fiance because he was one of my best friends, likewise with Fiance.
Post # 6
@peanuthead: I’m the same situation except I don’t know my number exactly. My fiancé absolutely 100% would be bothered to find out which is why I don’t talk about it. I feel like those were my choices and in many cases mistakes. I don’t share because I don’t want to cause him needless bad feelings about it that I did before I ever knew he existe. I also not proud of that so it’s something I choose to keep to myself. Just because I’m spending the rest of my life with him doerely mean either of us need to re live my life BEFORE him
Post # 7
We’ve never spoken about exact numbers because it really doesn’t matter. We both knew the other had been involved with others in the past and we’re both clean and healthy. From what I can infer, my number is probably about double his, but again, we don’t sit around chatting about former sexual partners because it wouldn’t help anything. Sure, I’d like to pretend some of the guys I slept with never happened, but meh, it was fun at the time. :p
If it turned out that I’m totally wrong and he’d been with 75+ girls, nothing would change. He married me – none of the other women, much like I chose him over all the other men, so who cares what path we took to get to each other?
Post # 8
We’ve never traded exact numbers but we know the ballparks and we both know that my ballpark is a bit larger than his. Neither of us cares. If he suddenly announced that his number was substantially higher than I have in mind, I’d just say So What. I’m his, he’s mine, that is what matters!
Post # 9
@MsJ2theZ: ditto on the past wildness (and many mistakes). My problem is, the amount of detail I’ve given, which hasn’t been much at all, has been enough to convince Darling Husband that I’ve slept with a lot MORE people than I have — as in, he is absolutely 100% convinced that I have slept with over 100 people. And there isn’t anything I can say to change that.
So, yeah, we don’t talk about it. Ever. I’m fairly certain he’s the same or worse than me, but if his brain is lodged at 100+ and I can’t do anything about it, then the best option is to make sure this topic NEVER comes up, and to immediately shut it down if it does!
Post # 10
I’d be freaked out since Fiance and I have been together since we were 18 haha. Anyway, I wouldn’t tell him – I just don’t think any good would come of it.
Post # 11
Thanks for y’alls feedback.
I think that if I told him, he might say “wow”. Overall tho, it wouldn’t change our relationship. I agree with a previous poster that I think he’s enjoyed being with someone who’s a little more experienced.
Post # 12
Eh. This kind of stuff doesn’t bother us. FWIW, my number is about 3 times higher than Darling Husband and he knows it. Neither of us care about each others sexual history aside from being sure that we aren’t at risk for anything. While we both had our wild years, we were safe while doing it (hehehe) so it doesn’t matter. I would never judge someone (including another woman) on their sexual history because it just isn’t relevant.
Post # 13
My number embarrasses me, not because it’s ridiculously high (although according to a radio survey, it IS higher than average) but because 50% of the list are guys I really regret sleeping with for one reason or another. I am pretty sure my husband would be taken aback to hear the number and I am sure mine is higher than his.
Sometimes he makes comments about how many chicks he’s bagged, but I suspect he’s exaggerating. He did lose his virginity at a young age and was popular in high school (I was a geek in school and didn’t lose it until I was 18) but I went to college in a major party school where 10 partners was considered a good semester so our views on what is high and what is not are pretty skewed. I am going to guess his number is around 10-12, and honestly, that’s being generous. There are only 6 that I know of (long term girlfriends) and I’ll give him another 6 that I don’t know. I would be shocked if his number was higher than 12 but it wouldn’t upset me.
Post # 14
Well, if I assumed he had only been with a handful of women, and found out he’d been with 75+, I guess it would be my fault for assuming. But since we are Christians, I think the engagement would be over. At the very least, we’d have a loooooong conversation one what it means to lead a Christian life, and if there wasn’t regret there, it would be done. I am not saying non-Christians should regret having high numbers, but as Christians, we are held to different standards.
If we were married, and I found out, same thing, I guess.
Post # 15
My fiance told me in the beginning of our relationship that he only slept with a handful of people, but after we fell in love, etc, he told me it was double that. I know its not that serious, but it kind of devastated me because I was always honest with him. I should have known his was higher though. he lost his virginity before he even got in double digits in age
Post # 16
I’ll be honest, finding out that Darling Husband had actually slept with a lot more people than he’d previously told me (because we’re open about this stuff) would be hard for me.
It wouldn’t so much be the number itself or jealousy of other girls or anything, but more the fact that, if he’s slept with that many people, he obviously views sex very differently than me. And that kind of disconnect would be tough.
For me, sex is something to be shared within the confines of a committed relationship (not necessarily marriage/engagement) with someone I love and trust. And I wanted a partner who views sex the same way. If I were to learn that he didn’t, that would be tough for me.
ETA: I’m not saying that there is anything wrong with having lots of partners. What works for one person doesn’t work for others.