split wedding cost with groom

posted 9 years ago in Money
Post # 3
Member
754 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2008

What is "traditional," isn’t the reality of the modern bride and groom.  Traditionally, the bride’s family pays for most everything, and the groom’s family pays for the reception and sometimes honeymoon.  These days, couples are taking on the finanical responsibility themselves, or seeking some help from relatives other than parents.  For example, my grandparents paid for our harpist and my parents gave a modest engagement gift.  The rest of the bill was on us.  Which was perfectly reasonable to us, I have never assumed that my parents would foot the bill (his parents are deceased).

But, honestly, it sounds like there is more going on here that a wedding budget.  Have you two sought premarital counseling?  If this issue is causing so many problems, imagine what the rest of your life is going to be like.  It will one fight after another over who pays for what.  

Post # 4
Member
2641 posts
Sugar bee

What does he think grooms traditionally do? 

Maybe he feels like he would rather put his money towards something more practical like a house?  Maybe he is nervous about money or losing his job?  If this is your only problem area, then you might get to the bottom of what’s really troubling him about paying. 

If this is something that is a pattern, and he doesn’t want to talk through issues, I agree with Niki.

Post # 5
Member
345 posts
Helper bee

I would worry that he doesn’t have a "generous heart"  it is so important, in every aspect of marriage and just in life in general.  Look deep and think about how conflicts in the past were resolved…it’s good to know about this now, so your expectations can be realistic.  If you know he doesn’t give/care/compromise/share now, and still marry him, you will at least know this and not expect a miracle later.  If you didn’t know until now, it is in time to decide if you want to live your life without that kind of heart.  Good luck.  I’m sure it will be ok.

Post # 6
Member
221 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

While he doesn’t have to pay for anything he doesn’t want to, his complete "refusal" to even discuss it seems like a red flag. Can you ask him to discuss his wedding expectations with you, and then explain how those things can only be attained with a certain amount of money- that you are not able to provide on your own?

Post # 7
Member
2293 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2008

Ummm, yeah.  One of the biggest reasons that marriages don’t work out is because couples can’t agree about, or can’t even discuss money issues.  The wedding is possibly the first big expense that you will have jointly (for us it was the engagement ring, as we agreed together on the budget for that).  And seriously, even if you’re lucky enough that your parents are going to step in and pay for everything, you should both understand what it costs. 

One of the issues they always cover in premarital counseling is money management, and how you plan to do that as a couple.  It would absolutely be worth talking about that now, and practicing with the budget for your wedding.  What you can afford to spend is going to be a function of how much your families can contribute, and how much you each can contribute, and what you think is reasonable to lay out for a wedding depending on your other financial and life goals and obligations.  And you should totally be deciding this together.

I would be concerned if I was you, and I would wonder how many other "traditional" attitudes he is going to spring on you.  For instance, if you’re planning to have children, is he ever going to change a diaper?  Or does he think that is "traditionally" your job?  Does he feel like you should have a joint checking account?  Or is he going to expect that his money is his money – and you have no say in how it gets spent?  I’m sure you see the point.  In most marriages today, people work as a team to accomplish their goals.  If that’s not your view of marriage, then may be his attitude is okay.  But if it is, you guys need to talk.

Post # 8
Member
72 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

In the past, the bride’s parents covered the cost of the weddings.  But times and traditions change.  Take my parents, they haven’t offered to help me out on anything for the wedding and I’m not about to ask them because I know that they can’t afford it.  My guy’s parents can’t help out either, so we are paying for it ourselves out of our savings and doing our best to not use our credit cards.  But we decided to do it together.

You two are going to be a couple, a team, partners and you don’t want to start your marriage off with something that can quickly turn into a resentment.  I agree with what suzanno has said, you two need to talk.  You need to figure all this stuff out before this causes an even bigger issue.

Post # 8
Member
1 posts
Wannabee

I footed the bill for our entire wedding and went into debt over $8,000 with the agreement it would be paid off jointly. It was, but now 6 years later and we are separated, this before marriage debt is hurting me because it appears I went into the marriage with a lot of debt and few assets while he had minimal debt plus assets. Luckily, I have all of the receipts proving I paid all the associated costs and my lawyer is arguing that part of my debt was shared debt. I am not able to let you know the outcome yet, but am hopeful that he will be held responsible for the wedding as I have been, and it will greatly help in my worth for asset/debt splitting. My word of advice is, if you don’t go the traditional route of parents paying for the things they used to, ensure you split the cost together. I believe that protecting yourself is extremely important because you might think you will spend the rest of your life with someone but sometimes things take a turn for the worst. I guess my post is a little late to help you, and I sincerely hope things have worked out, but maybe my experience can help someone else. 

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