Splitting Guestlist 50/50?posted 4 months ago in Guests
- 4 months ago
- Wedding: June 2018
liaeona : His mom’s aunts, uncles and cousins. Some of them are her second cousins. They live on the other side of the country and they never visit. His mom sometimes will visit them, but my fiancé doesn’t go with her so he doesn’t know them well. I’m sure he’s met them at funerals but no other occasion.
- 4 months ago
- Wedding: March 2015
In general, I think guest lists should be based on equal degrees of relationship rather than equal numbers—so, start with all the parents and siblings, then add all the aunts and uncles, and so on.
BUT there are some big red flags in the attitude that your family is taking toward his family.
First, did I understand that your father threatened to back out on his financial commitment entirely if you went with equal numbers? I.e., he agreed to pay for your wedding of 60 people, but only if more than half of those 60 are from your side, because he’s not willing to exclude your close friends for your fiancé’s extended family? That would be a big problem for me, and I’d be inclined to decline the family contribution if it’s being used to give you leverage over your fiancé. You need to get into the habit of resolving conflicts with your fiancé, and your father shouldn’t be putting you at odds with each other.
Second, I’m concerned with your position that only people you’ve met should be there, especially because it seems like that’s yet another way to give priority to your family over his. Some families are fortunate enough to live all in the same geographic area, and others aren’t so fortunate. Also, I assume this means you won’t be giving any +1s—but what about long-term relationships where you just happen not to have met the partner yet?
I agree with a PP who says you may want to revisit the general concept of your wedding to see whether you can manage to reduce the per-person budget and increase the guest count. If you personally have 40+ must-have guests, maybe a 60-person wedding just won’t work for you. It shouldn’t automatically fall to your fiancé to make the sacrifice so that you can have more than 2/3 of the guests.